Showing posts from 2012

Dating Anxiety

So tonight as I was pouring over my iTunes library looking for music that fit my angsty mood, I received a text message from my friend Cassie. She's in Colorado Springs for the break visiting with her parents.

Cassie randomly wanted to know what the name of my hometown was. I told her and asked why. Turns out she was talking to her parents about me. Her parents had seen several pictures of us together on Facebook and thought that we looked good together. I laughed and told Cassie that I had several family members as well as roommates say the same thing. Then Cassie dropped a bomb on me: she thought we looked good together too (and yes in that sense).

I've known Cassie for a about a year now. She's pretty, funny, and hard working. We're good friends in the sense that we hang out a lot. I know a ton about her (from the number of people she's kissed to the mistakes she's made earlier in her life). She doesn't know much about me. She doesn't know anything …

I Knew You Were Trouble

If you're looking for uplifting post, turn away now. Click back, read some other blog that makes their life seem like a walk in the park or go to and read the latest message from the apostles. This post is not going to be happy in the least. You've been warned.

You know that moment in The Dark Knight Rises where Bruce Wayne is in prison and doing sit-ups and the prison doctor says that he is afraid of Bane? Do you remember his response? "I'm not afraid. I'm angry." Yeah that's me right now. Combine that with the bitch Miranda sticking a knife in his side while his back is turned.

Honesty is something that has always been important to me. My dad cheated on my mom. My ex-girlfriend (who I was practically engaged to) cheated on me with at least two other guys while we were dating. I don't trust people easily, but when I do, I trust them with everything. Lose my trust, you're gonna have to work your ass off to earn it back.

One of my charms/c…

Merry Christmas 2012

It's that time of year again. The year has come to a close and I get to not only reflect on the past year but also on the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

We know the story of a faithful and righteous couple who trusted in God, expressed great faith. An angel appeared to the virgin Mary and told her she would conceive a son. Her son would be the Savior, the literal son of God. Very willingly and at a young age mind you she obeyed. Joseph whom Mary was espoused to, discovered Mary was pregnant and was going to quietly put her way. Then an angel appeared Joseph and told him what Mary had told him was true.

The couple made their way by donkey to the city of Bethlehem to be taxed. There they went inn to inn looking for a place to stay. One inn had no room but found pity in the young couple. He put them up in his stable.

There Jesus Christ, the King of Kings was born. Not in a palace nor place of importance. No, the Savior of the World was born in a stable amongst cows and c…

Emotional Overload

Have you ever had your life moving along quite nicely and then were completely blindsided by something? I have, multiple times. The most recent was Thursday as I was riding in the car with my Mother on the way to the chiropractor.

A couple months ago I asked my parents if I could order some new shoes and a couple new shirts. They said yes and they gave me their card to pay for it. I order the shoes and then ordered the five shirts that we agreed upon from Express. I got an email from Express saying that one of the shirts was out of stock so they refunded the money and shipped me the other four. One of the four I didn't like and sent it back. So instead of buying two more shirts, I bought three pairs of chinos from American Eagle instead that cost the same as one button-up from Express.

Now my younger sister is a pathological liar and lives a lifestyle contrary to that she was raised. She thinks we don't know what she does, but we do. My parents finally wised up about my siste…

But a small moment...

I had originally thought that this blogpost was going to be about me making a joke about being gay to my parents, which at the time was really funny and it was cool to be able to joke with my parents and have both of them know. But my mind has fallen on heavier matters.

I have never in my life questioned if the Church was true. I've gone through my stages of rebellion, whether that be wearing tight dark pants with a studded belt, vans, and a beanie over dark hair in high school, or shaving my head into a mohawk at BYU to directly defy the honor code. I've always had a knack for doing things for shock value, but it has never been about the Church.

I know the Church is true and always have. I have a mother who would become the next prophet if females held the priesthood. She raised me to know and love the church. I have my complaints and doubts at times but always and unwavering I know it to be true.

I've experienced other churches and dabbled in "other' lifestyles…

Watch Your Back

Don't get me wrong... I think that it's awesome that there is this whole community within the Church of gay guys who blog, as well as North Star. It's awesome that guys like myself don't have to deal with this by ourselves. We can reach out and learn from each other. We can receive messages of hope and know that there are other guys out there going through the same things.

The downfall of it all, it IS the gay community even if it is members of the church. The gay community is freaking dramatic.

Being gay tends to harbor feelings of loneliness, neediness, jealousy, and pettiness. Gay guys are typically more emotional then your average straight guy. Those heavy emotional needs lead to behavior I would compare to those of a teenage girl.

I'm a very private person. When it comes to Facebook, I post pictures and sarcastic status'. There's nothing personal on there. When it comes to people knowing about my life, there are very few that I talk to and even fewer …

Come Back... Be Here

You said it in a simple way,
4 AM, the second day,
How strange that I don't know you at all.
Stumbled through the long goodbye,
One last kiss, then catch your flight,
Right when I was just about to fall

I told myself don't get attached,
But in my mind I play it back,
Spinning faster than the plane that took you...

And this is when the feeling sinks in,
I don't wanna miss you like this,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
I guess you're in New York today,
I don't wanna need you this way,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.

The delicate beginning rush,
The feeling you can know so much,
Without knowing anything at all.
And now that I can put this down,
If I had known what I'd known now,
I never would have played so nonchalant.

Taxi cabs and busy streets,
That never bring you back to me,
I can't help but wish you took me with you...

And this is when the feeling sinks in,
I don't wanna miss you like this,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
I guess you're …


Life often deals you cards that catch you by surprise. I at least seem to always have a specific vision of what I believe my life should be. I am very type A when it comes to planning and organizing. I do it with academics, I do it with my daily schedule, I do it with church, I even do it with friends.

After months of frustration in particular friendships with people, I came to a crossroads. I was done feeling like I wasn't good enough, I was done feeling like just an option, I was done feeling like I was not a priority. I stopped trying in some of friendships I really held dear because I was so tired of feeling hurt. I was so done. I still consider these friends to be dear to me, but they need to realize what they've been doing. They need to take the incentive now, I'm not going to be burned anymore.
To deal with the lack of communication with certain friends. I threw myself that much more into my school work and church things. I was being the perfect home teacher, givin…

I Dreamed a Dream...

Les Miserables is one of my all time favorite musicals. The music is beautiful and so powerful. My favorite song is I Dreamed a Dream and it is performed in the first act by the character Fantine.
Some background information: Fantine is a working class French woman very much in love with a man named Félix Tholomyès. Tholomyès abandons Fantine, leaving her to to care for Tholomyès' daughter, Cosette, by herself. Fantine out of lack of means to provide for Cosette, is forced to leave her in the care of the corrupt and selfish Thénardiers. She sends money to pay for Cosette's keep. 
Unbeknownst to Fantine, Cosette is being abused and used as labor for the Thénardiers' inn. The Thénardiers lie to Fantine about the costs of Cosette and use the money for their own selfish wants.
Fantine is later fired from her job at Jean Valjean's factory, because of the discovery of her daughter, who was born out of wedlock. Meanwhile, the Thénardiers' letters and monetary demands cont…

Stock Market

Friendships are like the Stock Market. It's dangerous, risky, and you're not always guaranteed a return. Invest too much into a bad stock and you'll lose everything. Invest into the right stock, you become rich. Continuous trading of your stocks will put you at a stand still, you will not progress in the marketplace and will become quite discontent with your situation.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past week or so just evaluating friendships and people in my life, or more accurately stated attempted friendships in my life. I take an interest in someone and will generally want to be their friend. In doing so I'm investing anything and everything I have to that friendship. Texts, Facebook, phone calls, little favors just because, going to lunch, hanging out. I sincerely care about a person. I have a theory that my intensity with friendship is a sort of compulsive behavior which overwhelms people. So more often than not I make this investment and instead of t…

I Love To See The Temple

Today was a big day. I went to the temple with my sister. It's the first time I've been to the temple in a long time. It's the first time that I've done an endowment session in over a year. It has taken me so long to come back to the temple because of mistakes that I made acting out on my attractions a year ago. I never confessed them to a Bishop and though I've never done those things again, I have still felt constant guilt and unworthiness.

Today was different. Today I went in feeling that I truly needed the upliftment and peace that only comes with the Temple. For one thing, I hate Black Friday. When I say hate, I mean LOATHE ENTIRELY. I feel like it's complete hypocrisy. Thursday we're giving thanks and putting others ahead. Then the next morning people are literally crawling over each other to buy things for themselves. It's disgusting. Plus all the people gives me so much anxiety, but I digress.

I wanted to withdraw from the world and find peace.…

Thanksgiving 2012

I swear I'm not meaning to sounding like Debbie the Downer especially since this is Thanksgiving and all. This should be a post where I express my gratitude for everything that I have in this life.

I do have plenty to be thankful for. I have parents that love me and are still together after 30 plus years of marriage and are actually happily married. I have a Mother who is one of the most spiritual if not most spiritual faithful women I have ever met. I have a Father who has taught me how to work hard and provides continually for his family. I have the opportunity to attend a Church sponsored school where my education is high quality but at low cost. I have the gospel, I have friends, I have my intelligence, I have my siblings, I have not only a working car, but a beautiful working car, I have a laptop, iPod, iPhone, I have nice clothes, I am able to fly home and see my family several times a year.

But still none of this seems to fill me right now. It's the end of the day and …

Blogging from a Mile High

This evening I had about 45 minutes before I had to leave to go to the airport to catch my flight to go see my sister for Thanksgiving. I ran outside to go move my car so it would be out of the way while I was away over the holiday. I turn on my headlights and nothing happens. No lights on the outside of the car come on, though the inside lights up just fine. I call my parents to let them know what's going on. My mom chews me out and makes a comment about wanting to know what she is supposed to do about it. We both know that any repairs made on my (rather expensive to fix) SUV, will be paid by her. I have no money. I go to school full time, year round. I'm preparing to graduate and take the MCAT. So it makes sense that I would call her and tell her what was up with the car since she was the one cutting the check.

I get off the phone with my mother and ask my grandmother if she can follow me over to the shop so I can drop off my car and have them work on it while I'm gone.…

Same Sex Attraction: Reconciling Faith & Feelings

This weekend I was privileged to attend a conference put on by the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists (AMCAP) called Sex Attraction Conference: Reconciling Faith & Feelings. It was "the first-ever public presentation brings together anumber of people who have experienced same-sexattraction, including several persons who now havesuccessful opposite-sex marriages. They will offerinsights into how they have reconciled their challenges and their traditional moral values, includingthe teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ ofLatter-day Saints. Other therapists and scholars willprovide additional perspectives." 

Before I talk about the conference, let me preface with an apology. This blog post is going to be pretty bipolar and all over the place because I'm going to be copying down my notes from my journal, so bear with me.

I was initially super apprehensive about going to the conference because of my previous experience with Journey into Manhood. Long st…

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

When I was in elementary school I didn't have a lot of friends. I was quiet, not athletic, and blissfully ignorant. I was the definition of "nerd". I wore the pants thats you could zip off the bottoms and become shorts. I would wear the white socks half way up my shin. I had large round glasses, I was pudgy, I wore my Old Navy Tech Vest almost every day - yes I was that guy.

My favorite thing to do was to read. I would devour any book that I could lay my hands on. Harry Potter was by and large my favorite. I have easily read each of the books in the series over a dozen times. Not only did I like to read. But I was usually the teacher's pet and top of my class.

My less than desirable traits ostracized me from the guys (lack of interest or understanding in sports). My lack of athletic talent or body removed me from the interest list of any of the girls. Anyone that was left was then turned off by my teacher's pet qualities.

So I didn't have any friend. When yo…

My (Gay) Mormon Moment

I'm an Exercise Physiology Major, and as such I am required to enroll in the Exercise Physiology class and corresponding lab. Today for lab we were required to do the skin fold test on our classmates and then have them do it on us.

I was dreading having the skin fold test done on myself. I was always the fat kid in elementary school and middle school. My body fat percentage was always a considerable amount higher than all the Ethiopian bean poles I went to school with. I'm in some of the best shape I've been in a long time right now, but I still have flash back nightmares of being teased and called fatty. So I was very shy about removing my shirt and showing my stomach. I quickly put on my shirt as soon as I could once I was done.

Then came the next part of the lab...

Each person in our group was supposed to find two people outside of class to do the skin fold test on. I called up a buddy I just met this semester, (who I do find attractive) and then I wandered into the fi…


My older brother got married a couple years ago. Due to distance and serving a mission, I haven't had the opportunity to meet his wife until very recently. His wife came into town for a visit this past weekend. We were able to meet up for the first time and chat over some hot coco. We were both laughing because it felt like a date.

My brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia many years ago. He has tried to kill himself several times. My family has been dealing with the trial that it is for over ten years now. We tried many experimental treatments to try to help and "cure" my brother, but to no avail.

My brothers medications have caused him to put on a lot of weight and lose the body he used to be so proud of (he was studying to be a personal trainer for a while).

My brother has a college degree and is a genius (like most people who struggle with mental illness), but his disease debilitates him, dumbs him down and makes it so he is unable to hold down a steady job. He is…

Marilyn Monroe

I must have this huge disclaimer on me that I can't see that apparently says "take advantage of me."

I'm a gay mormon, so I already the tendency to be more emotional than most guys. I give and give and give with all the relationships in my life. At times I do it from the good of my heart, and at other times I admit I do it because I want a friend to feel obligated to reciprocate that love and care to me. 
If some people would just look outside themselves and see that there is a person who genuinely loves them and cares about them. I stand there and most of the times these people just look right through me to other people in their lives who aren't even that great. 
I know I'm not perfect. I know I make mistakes. I know I have truly crazy moments of attachment from being gay. I also know that I'm a damn good friend to people. I have always prided myself on the caliber of friend I am to people. I am the best friend that you see in movies, on TV, that you al…

I Love Priesthood Blessings!

I know that I am far from perfect. I know that I have so many short coming and things that I need to work on, but one thing I do have a testimony of and do have perfect faith in is Priesthood blessings. What I love about Priesthood blessings is that anyone can have one, you don't have to be worthy to receive comfort from our loving Father in Heaven.

I spend the majority of Saturday in bed with a terrible migraine. I've gotten migraines since I was at least 7 years old. They usually incapacitate me. I get a terrible headache, I can't stand noise, light, or motion. I tend to get nauseated, flushed, and dizzy. I can't sleep and try to lay perfectly still with a bunch of pain killers in me and a cold washcloth on my face.

Ever since I was little, I would ask for a blessing once I got migraine. I knew that if I got a blessing, I would be healed no matter what. I always did all I could for myself before I would ask for a blessing because we are supposed to help ourselves be…

Spiritual 2x4's

This past Sunday was the first awesome Sunday I've had in a really long time. I've really felt like I was in a rut spiritually and just didn't know what to do about it.

I helped teach Mission Prep for my ward and was able to share experiences from my mission of people I found and baptized. I shared pictures from when I first met them and then their baptismal date.The spirit was so intense and made me feel so blessed to have been a small part of bringing those people to the fold.

I then gave a talk in sacrament meeting on the Priesthood. I hate giving talks. I feel like I am rubbish at getting my thoughts across and I am never able to quite convey what I want to. I have always said that I'd much rather sing that speak, which is exactly what I did at my mission farewell.

I used Elder Uchtdorff's The Joy of the Priesthood as the basis for my talk. My talk actually turned out to be one of the better talks that I have ever given. I was able to take up the complete time …


For the first time in a long time, I am really happy.

I just got back from the most amazing weekend. My buddy and I to spent the weekend with my family. My parents had flown in to spend time with their grandkids. I was able to spend so much time with my friend which I haven't been able to do in such a long time. I usually only get to see him for short periods of time. But this weekend, it was just him and I. I didn't have to share him or compete with others for him. It meant the world to me that he set aside the weekend for my family and I.

In addition to that, he got along really well with my family. First thing he did when he met my mother was hug her. Then when we got ready to leave to head back to school, he hugged both my mom AND my dad. My family was so kind to my friend. They really loved him. There were no awkward moments or pauses. Everything just felt so relaxed and right. What makes this all so significant is that my parents know that both my buddy and I are gay.



I'm currently enrolled in a Preparation for Eternal Marriage class at the Church sponsored University I attend. The majority of the class is those who are you guessed it, engaged and then those who soon will be engaged. Then there's me, GMSW. Most definitely and certainly single.

At the beginning of every class for the first twenty minutes my professor has engaged couples go up and tell their story. They show pictures, stories, when they knew they loved each other, why they loved each other and how they got engaged. 
I can usually handle these okay. I like to see the pictures and see these two people so truly in love with each other. For one reason or another though, today's couple who presented really shook me up. For one thing, they were both beautiful. They loved each other so much! All I could feel the whole time was a growing pit of misery and sadness as the thought kept screaming in my mind "I can't help but feel that I will never get to do that." I fe…

Me, cool? Huh? When did that happen?

It's funny how one person can say something to you and it means nothing, then another can say the same thing and it means the world to you. I'm always going off on how I feel lonely and don't feel like people love or appreciate me, I haven't felt that way the past couple of days that's for sure.

My roommate was supposed to go with me and some friends to a movie. He bailed to go hang out with this girl that he really likes. I was a little irritated but more disappointed. When I got home from the movie, he came into my room like a dog with a tail in between his legs. He told me he felt awful for what he did. He regretted it as soon as he left. He said the rest of the night he felt like crying and that he was afraid he had damaged our friendship. It really upset him because in his own words "I want to be you best friend". It was a very flattering gesture and did move me. I felt loved that's for sure. I forgave him immediately. I would do anything for ot…

You Belong With Me

I'm tired. I'm tired of working my ass of for our friendship. I'm tired of saving your ass with school. Always bailing you out because you procrastinate and go have fun instead of being responsible. I'm sorry you feel like we're not really friends, but I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to want to do something with me. You're always with your brain dead girlfriend. I don't want to be just an unappreciated homework source for you. I'm sorry. I have more dignity than that.
And to you, I don't know what else to do for our friendship. I've worked really hard to show you that I care. To show you that I'm genuine and want a real friendship with you, but you can't seem to reciprocate. It's always when it's convenient for you. I'm sick of always being the one to text you and asking you about how you're doing. I wish you would just give me the time of day.
And to you, you hurt me. You and I are the same person. We w…

Homeboy is feeling lonely tonight...

Let me preface this with the statement that I fully believe in and support The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am an active member (though far from perfect), I do want to follow the teachings of modern day prophets and do what is necessary for me to reach exaltation.

Last night I went to a movie with some friends called Pitch Perfect. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. It's a bit crude but I was laughing the entire time. Rebel Wilson is hilarious. Think of the movie has Mean Girls + Glee and a dash of Bridesmaids.

The main character of the movie is Beca. She is a sort of rebel, whose a bit cynical and feels out of place. She meets this guy Jesse who treats her like gold. He really cares about her and is there for her when no one else in the movie was. She kept pushing him away but he continued to love her. In the end they end up together, and I admit that I developed a crush on Jesse.

As I was driving home from the movie, I just kept thinking about …


Today in my religion class we talked about the law of chastity and its significance. First of all we discussed why we were given standards. Standards are important for security and consistency. One can simply look around at the current state of the world and see the result of the disintegration of standards. Something for me that was worthwhile noting is that the law of chastity is the same for gay people as it is for straight people. The Lord has the same consequences set in place for those who violate this law.

My religion teacher relayed the story of David. The same David who slew the giant Philistine Goliath. David was a great man. But because of his choices (he committed murder), he at best can hope for the telestial kingdom.

David shirked his duties and instead of going to war with his men he stayed home. It is worth noting that we are tempted the most when we are alone, where we would do things by ourselves that we never would in front of others. David ignored his duties and S…

What goes around comes around...

Karma... you are a beautiful thing. I don't want to sound prideful or mean, but it makes me happy to know that no one can run from consequences, that bad people will have their comeuppance whether that be sooner or later.

There was this guy Mac who reached out to me when I first came out on North Star. We started communicating and it was really nice. It was completely healthy and strictly a friendship. Given I was really needy and needed someone there for me in dealing with all this. Mac told me he had been through a lot and made plenty of mistakes. He had been kicked out of a church sponsored school twice for acting out.

We would text and occasionally talk on the phone. I made some mistakes over this period of time. It made me lose all trust in gay men, especially in the church. So I decided to remove any traces of them from my life. I deleted Mac from my Facebook and from my phone contacts.

I returned to school and ran into a mutual friend of Mac and I. I had been struggling an…

Tragedy or Destiny?

Image - Support Materials Chapter - Tragedy or Destiny?

I suggest reading this talk for anyone who is going through a hard time. It doesn't just have to be because your gay.

Two things stood out to me:

1.) Should all prayers be immediately answered according to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment, or even death, and if these were not, there would also be no joy, success, resurrection, nor eternal life and Godhood.

“For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things … righteousness … wickedness … holiness … misery … good … bad. …” (2 Nephi 2:11.)

2.) Fifty years later, Elder Spencer W. Kimball, then a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, found himself far away from home, recovering from major surgery. Unable to sleep, he recalled the day his mother died: “I feel like sobbing again now … as my memory takes me over those sad paths.

It is okay to cry. It is okay to experience hardship wh…