Watch Your Back

Don't get me wrong... I think that it's awesome that there is this whole community within the Church of gay guys who blog, as well as North Star. It's awesome that guys like myself don't have to deal with this by ourselves. We can reach out and learn from each other. We can receive messages of hope and know that there are other guys out there going through the same things.

The downfall of it all, it IS the gay community even if it is members of the church. The gay community is freaking dramatic.

Being gay tends to harbor feelings of loneliness, neediness, jealousy, and pettiness. Gay guys are typically more emotional then your average straight guy. Those heavy emotional needs lead to behavior I would compare to those of a teenage girl.

I'm a very private person. When it comes to Facebook, I post pictures and sarcastic status'. There's nothing personal on there. When it comes to people knowing about my life, there are very few that I talk to and even fewer that actually know everything about me. It's not that I don't have a ton of friends. In the vernacular, I would be what one deems as "popular". But of all my friends, maybe one or two do I actually speak to on a deep level.

I've stated several times before, I'm a damn good friend. I go out of my way to go above and beyond for all my friends. Texts, phone calls, Facebook, little things just because. That's what I believe by definition to be a good friend. In doing all that for someone, I expect a friend to reciprocate some of those same things. When they don't, I tend to become disappointed, and I know that.

What really pisses me off is when others use my desire/needs to be a good friend against me. There's no hidden agenda, there's no hidden motive. When I do or say something, it's from my heart. I don't want to compete with other guys for friendships. I also don't want my intentions turned against me.

The gay community just gossips and perpetuates things. Instead of talking to someone about an issue and being sincere, they go around to each other spreading things like a group of high school girls. I'm just over it.

It feels like more often than not there's a lot of people who are unhappy with their own lives, so they use their negative feelings to bring down others. I don't care what other people do with their lives. But when they bring themselves and their negative energy into my life, I'm not okay with it. I expect to live my own life and mind my own business and do the best I can. I wish others would too.



  1. I've really enjoyed your blog, because I've dealt with a lot of the same issues myself. I can especially relate to the feeling of constantly reaching out to people and being a good friend and feeling like no one ever reciprocates. I read this quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson a few weeks back, and it really helped me to look at this issue in a new light. And I immediately thought of your posts and felt like I should share it with you:

    "It has seemed to me lately more possible than I knew, to carry a friendship greatly, on one side, without due correspondence on the other. Why should I cumber myself with regrets that the receiver is not capacious? It never troubles the sun that some of his rays fall wide and vain into ungrateful space, and only a small part on the reflecting planet. Let your greatness educate the crude and cold companion. If he is unequal, he will presently pass away; but thou art enlarged by thy own shining, and, no longer a mate for frogs and worms, dost soar and burn with the gods of the empyrean. It is thought a disgrace to love unrequited. But the great will see that true love cannot be unrequited. True love transcends the unworthy object, and dwells and broods on the eternal, and when the poor interposed mask crumbles, it is not sad, but feels rid of so much earth, and feels its independency the surer. Yet these things may hardly be said without a sort of treachery to the relation. The essence of friendship is entireness, a total magnanimity and trust. It must not surmise or provide for infirmity. It treats its object as a god, that it may deify both."

    Thanks for the blog, and I hope you keep it up!

  2. Thanks for that quote Josh. I really enjoyed it. Glad to hear that my blog is able to reach someone out there.




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