The false face of this has all come crashing down.
In the past 48 hours I have cried more than I knew to be physically possible. I'm not that difficult to read, my emotions are usually on my sleeve, and not that I ask for or want attention for it, people can usually tell when something is wrong. My roommates have watched me come in and out of the apartment with puffy tear filled eyes for the past two days. They haven't seen or watched me cry, so as I lay here sobbing at 5 in the morning as sleep escapes me, I'd like to keep it that way.
I've been hurt by friends more times than I could count. Everyone makes mistakes, including myself. But I seem to have a knack for attracting people who know how to hurt me the deepest (whether they mean it or not).
Without going into complete detail for I fear I might break my computer with the waterworks, I want to explain myself.
My best friend did something I never thought he would; He lied to me and it wasn't a superficial lie. He lied to me about something pretty huge. He made some mistakes, as we all do. But he did so and rocked me to my very core. When he originally called to tell me, I was overcome with emotion. I sobbed through the night till exhaustion won over and I fell asleep. I shook violently, I couldn't stand up straight, it was hard to breath, impossible to see straight... This was the person who was everything in the world to me. This is my best friend. His Frodo to my Sam. He is supposed to be the best man at my wedding... How could he do this? Why did he do this?
Suicide crossed my mind, I wanted to end the intensity of the pain I was feeling. I didn't want to hurt so bad. Seriously contemplating suicide hadn't happened to me since my freshmen year of college, before I was diagnosed with depression, and before I was on anti-depressants.
During classes yesterday, I found myself unable to focus. I kept replaying what he told me over and over again in my mind. I couldn't turn it off even if I wanted to. Each time it went through my mind was like a fresh stab to the heart. I heard nothing in my classes and instead cried in them silently.
I'm going to go speak to my advisor this morning and drop one of my classes citing medical reasons. This event with my best friend was the tipping point on an already stressful, sleep deprived, lonely, extremely loaded semester. I haven't dropped a class in college since my very first semester when I was diagnosed with depression.
I feel like a failure. I feel so weak. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel confusion.
My heart is torn apart, pieces shattered on the ground.