Thursday, February 14, 2013

Regression


I'm 23 and yet the past 48 hours have made me feel like I'm 18 again. It's like I'm a freshmen in college. All the progress the past 5 almost 6 years seems to be all just a sham I've convinced myself of. I convinced myself I had a handle on my mental illness (OCD, depression, anxiety).

The false face of this has all come crashing down.

In the past 48 hours I have cried more than I knew to be physically possible. I'm not that difficult to read, my emotions are usually on my sleeve, and not that I ask for or want attention for it, people can usually tell when something is wrong. My roommates have watched me come in and out of the apartment with puffy tear filled eyes for the past two days. They haven't seen or watched me cry, so as I lay here sobbing at 5 in the morning as sleep escapes me, I'd like to keep it that way.

I've been hurt by friends more times than I could count. Everyone makes mistakes, including myself. But I seem to have a knack for attracting people who know how to hurt me the deepest (whether they mean it or not).

Without going into complete detail for I fear I might break my computer with the waterworks, I want to explain myself.

My best friend did something I never thought he would; He lied to me and it wasn't a superficial lie. He lied to me about something pretty huge. He made some mistakes, as we all do. But he did so and rocked me to my very core. When he originally called to tell me, I was overcome with emotion. I sobbed through the night till exhaustion won over and I fell asleep. I shook violently, I couldn't stand up straight, it was hard to breath, impossible to see straight... This was the person who was everything in the world to me. This is my best friend. His Frodo to my Sam. He is supposed to be the best man at my wedding... How could he do this? Why did he do this? 

Suicide crossed my mind, I wanted to end the intensity of the pain I was feeling. I didn't want to hurt so bad. Seriously contemplating suicide hadn't happened to me since my freshmen year of college, before I was diagnosed with depression, and before I was on anti-depressants.

During classes yesterday, I found myself unable to focus. I kept replaying what he told me over and over again in my mind. I couldn't turn it off even if I wanted to. Each time it went through my mind was like a fresh stab to the heart. I heard nothing in my classes and instead cried in them silently.

I'm going to go speak to my advisor this morning and drop one of my classes citing medical reasons. This event with my best friend was the tipping point on an already stressful, sleep deprived, lonely, extremely loaded semester. I haven't dropped a class in college since my very first semester when I was diagnosed with depression.

I feel like a failure. I feel so weak. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel confusion.

My heart is torn apart, pieces shattered on the ground.

If anyone asks,I'll tell them we both just moved onWhen people all stareI'll pretend that I don't hear them talkWhenever I see you,I'll swallow my prideand bite my tonguePretend I'm okay with it allAct like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?Can I open my eyes?Is this as hard as it gets?Is this what it feels like to really cry?Cry
If anyone asks,I'll tell them we just grew apartYeah what do I careIf they believe me or notWhenever I feelYour memory is breaking my heartI'll pretend I'm okay with it allAct like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?Can I open my eyes?Is this as hard as it gets?Is this what it feels like to really cry?Cry
I'm talking in circlesI'm lying, they know itWhy won't this just all go away
Is it over yet?Can I open my eyes?Is this as hard as it gets?Is this what it feels like to really cry?CryCry

GMSW

9 comments:

  1. I feel for you GMSW. So sad, So hard. But a relapse doesn't mean all your progress has gone.

    I've recently gone back into old habits, one's i thought i'd licked, and been clean from fro 3+ years. Well, while i did fall into them again. I've over come it, and i think im stronger now.

    The great thing about it is I know how to deal with it, sure in a moment of weakness i went back to them, but i can get over it. That is what is different about then and now. Not that i have the weaknesses, but that i now know how to deal with it.

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    1. j4k,

      Thank you for your support. It's just hard to be where I am right now.

      -GMSW

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  2. I am so glad you are seeking help. That is something I never did while I was dealing with depression in college, and I regret never taking those steps.

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  3. I'm sorry bud. That sounds really rough. I'm sorry your friend hurt you as bad as he did. But try and remember that if he loves you as much as you've made it sound, then he probably feels awful about it too. Maybe you could let this one go, let yourself heal from it and then move past it? You sound like you really need a friend and I'd bet he does too.

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    1. He's incredible. I love him so much. I'm just hurting like I've never hurt before. I was eating breakfast this morning and I just burst into tears randomly. The pain and ache that my heart feels is nothing like I've ever felt before. It's not that I'm not his friend, I still am. He's my best friend. Everything is just so hard right now.

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  4. I'm so sorry that this has happened, but like Evan, I'm glad to hear that you're seeking help and that you've written about it here. During my time of suicidal depression--more than a decade ago, but also so unforgettable that it seems much closer than that at times--writing was one of the things that helped me hold on. So, too, were exercise, counseling, meds and, yes, some wonderful but flawed friendships, which sometimes sustained me and sometimes did not. Today is Saturday. It's now been a few days since you're friend's disclosure. I hope your are doing better and I hope you'll return here to let us know.

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    1. Ned thank you for your kind words and your experiences. I find it's all about keeping the right balance. I need to get better at that. Once again, thank you for your concern.

      -GMSW

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  5. I really do know the difference between your and you're, but apparently my fingers do not.

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