Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Change Your Mind



It's been a while since I've written... So this post is gonna be just thoughts and catching up. I apologize for the sporadicness...

A couple days ago I was sitting in the front room of my apartment with my roommates. We glanced out the window and discovered our apartment building was surrounded by cop cars and police tape. No one knew what was going on. There was no ambulance, and what looked like a Bishopric in suits showed up and walked passed our apartment. While we were sitting there debating about what was going on, our doorbell rung and we opened it. A group of men with a full body bag had accidently hit it on their way down the stairs.

I knew immediately what had happened; someone had committed suicide. I recognized the situation from seeing it countless times growing up with my older brother. He had attempted to commit suicide more than once and thankfully had never been successful with it.

Over the next couple of days, details came about the incident. The guy who had committed suicide lived in the apartment above mine. He had shot himself in the head. His roommates found him, hence no ambulance. They knew he was dead when they found him.

The guy left a note about why he did it. He said he was sick of people calling him gay, sick of being called chubby and he had been having problems with a girl.
            
Hearing all of this broke my heart and shook me up. It was tragic to think of someone feeling so alone, like things we’re so terrible that the only way to get out was to take your own life.
           
When I found out he committed suicide, my first thought was maybe he had been gay. Then thoughts crossed my mind about bullying. I know that I joke around a lot with people and like to have fun. I could never live with myself though if my bullying unknowingly led someone to do something so tragic.

***
In addition to this, Kim’s roommate sent me a text over the weekend to let me know that Kim had a boyfriend down in California. It sucked to hear that, not that I was really into her, but it gave me an easy way out of a relationship I felt uncomfortable with. Kim shot me a text during the super bowl and said, “I miss you!” I texted her back and said I was confused that she was telling me she missed me when she had a boyfriend. She denied it and tried to play it off but when I didn’t respond, she tried calling me and I ignored her. Her roommates talked to me later that night and told me that she had had this boyfriend since Christmas and had been semi-dating me at the same time. I mean we kissed, cuddled, and had expressed feelings towards one another. So all that sucked. Just trying to get over that. 

***

I’m in a weird place right now. I got a wonderful calling that I feel the spirit in; that people tell me they’re able to get something from it. I’ve got wonderful roommates that I love. For the most part I’m surviving in my classes. I went a whole month without looking at porn or jacking off. Screwed up this morning but I don’t really feel bad about it. I made it a month. Overall, I’m pretty happy I guess. My biggest thing is that I watch all these wonderful people in my life that I care so much for. I give and give and give and that’s fine. And for once I have wonderful friends who do the same thing for me. It’s still hard to just feel alone. I can fix other’s problems; I can be there for them. But at the end of the day, I feel alone. I have that feeling that everyone has someone, and I’m alone. I know I can’t make people care or want to talk to me or spend time with me, but I wish I could.


Last night my date (a girl) cancelled on me. I was feeling so alone and upset with everything. I got one of my migraines that completely renders me useless. I was aching, I was hurt, and any thought or sight of another person with their significant other cut me like a knife. 



It got to midnight and I still wasn't asleep and feeling really sick. So I texted my roommate to come give me a blessing. I didn't say anything to him other than I needed a blessing of healing. The interesting thing... the blessing said nothing at all about healing. The blessing first talked about the importance of being worthy. It then talked about the temptations and things that I'm experience right now have a purpose. My Heavenly Father loves me and know's that I'm doing right now. It brought me some comfort to know that the wants/desires of my hearts (strong, powerful, and realistic at this point), have a purpose other than just make me want to cry and hurt. 



***

When you wake up wanting me
And you can’t go back to sleep
Change your mind


When your weak and alone
And you’re reaching for the phone
Change your mind

Keep on going ’till you’re gone
Even when you think it’s wrong
When you look back in regret
The moment that you left

Change your mind
Baby don’t come back this time
Don’t wanna have to say goodbye, all over again
So if you think there’s still a chance to make it right
And I’m the only one you want tonight
Change your mind
Change your mind

In the early morning haze
When my kiss is all you crave
Let it go
Cause I don’t wanna do that dance
The push and pull, the second chance
I already know, yea I know

You’ll just promise me forever
And then you’ll take it back, just like that
Saying you can’t live with out me
Then you’ll…

Change your mind
So baby don’t come back this time
Don’t wanna have to say goodbye, all over again
So if you think there’s still a chance to make it right
Change your mind


Cause I don’t wanna have to say goodbye, all over again
So if you think there’s still a chance to make it right
And I’m the only one, the one you want tonight
Change your mind
Change your mind
Change your mind

Cheers,
GMSW

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