Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Family: A Proclamation to the World



WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.
ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.
IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.
THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.
WE DECLARE the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.
HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.
THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.
WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.
WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

All Too Well

If you've been following my blog, you've noticed that this semester has been the semester from hell for me. There's been a lot that has gone on and the majority of it has been out of my control. Twice now this semester I have found myself suicidal, the most recent being two weeks ago. I didn't realize how far along I was with my thought process until I came across the warning signs of suicidal behavior and it scared me:

5 Warning Signs of Suicidal Behavior:
-Talking about having no purpose
-Withdrawing or isolating oneself
-Displaying extreme mood swings
-Abruptly ending relationships
-Avoiding work, school or jobs 

I fit every single one of these warning signs. I've felt beaten and have frequently retreated to my room to be by myself and away from everyone. My moods have gone from happy to extreme depression and loneliness. I have felt frustrated with friendships in my life and felt like people didn't care about me and weren't putting any effort into our friendship. In the process of all this, I was avoiding the gym and doing homework because I just didn't want to deal with it. 

There are very few people who I have told just how close to suicide I was because I don't want people to make a big deal out of it. I don't want to screw up my schooling or future by having to get checked into a facility. I don't want people to treat me differently either. 

For whatever reason, I feel emotions so deeply. So much deeper than anyone I have ever met. Things really effect me when it has to do with anyone that I know and love. I don't have an explanation of why. Just if my friend has really hurt me, I hurt and am in agony. If my friend is going through a hard time, I ache to fix their pain and make things better. If my friend is happy, I'm right there with them ecstatic as can be. 

The only person that I can think of whose emotions mirror mine is Taylor Swift (I know, how stereotypically gay). One reason why I love her so much is her ability to convey honest raw emotions so explicitly. Her songs speak to me. When her voice quivers in a song, mine does too. When she is lying on the bathroom floor crying singing You're Not Sorry, I am too. When she bemoans the guy who doesn't know she exists and how much she wants him with her Teardrops On My Guitar, I'm right there on my bed hugging my pillow crying with her. 

Music has always spoken to me. So when I'm feeling a strong emotion (good or bad) she's my go to girl.

I've always thought my capacity to love and express emotion so deeply was a gift. More recently and in communicating with friends, I see that not everyone can handle it. It can put people off. For a lot of people it's not something they understand and it overwhelms them.

I realize that I have a lot of work to do. I realize that I need to not let others dictate my happiness and that's something that I'm working on. It's really hard.

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,
But something about it felt like home somehow.
And I left my scarf there at your sister's house,
And you still got it in your drawer even now.

Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.
We're singing in the car, getting lost Upstate.
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,
And I can picture it after all these days.

And I know it's long gone,
And that magic's not here no more,
And I might be okay,
But I'm not fine at all.

'Cause there we are again on that little town street.
You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over me.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red.
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-size bed
And your mother's telling stories about you on the tee ball team
You tell me about your past, thinking your future was me.

And I know it's long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to...

'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.
We dance around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
And maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise.
So casually cruel in the name of being honest.
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well.

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can't get rid of it 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well


Sunday, March 10, 2013

Notice me, take my hand. Why are we strangers when...

Driving home from the gym today, I broke. My iPod was on shuffle and Marilyn Monroe by Nicki Minaj came on:

Truth is we mess up
Till we get it right
I don't want to end up losing my soul

I can get low, I can get low
Don’t know which way is up
Yea I can get high, I can get high
Like I could never come down

Call it a curse
Or just call me blessed
If you can’t handle my worst
You ain’t getting my best
Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt?
Must be how Marilyn Monroe felt

All the emotions from the past week or so came flooding in as I gasped for air and felt tears flood my eyes and stream down my face. 

I arrived home and went straight to my room. I shut the door and in the dark I collapsed against it and just let myself cry alone. 

This breakdown has been a long time coming, but the straw that broke the camels back today was failing an Organic Chemistry Exam (again, second in a row, and if its possible, I did even worse). I studied my ass off, and gave up sleep, a social life, and food. And I go in and completely get destroyed. I don't want to have to retake the class, and right now at the point where I am, I'm thinking that might be one of my last options. I feel so overwhelmed with the class. Can I even do freaking Organic Chemistry? Will I ever get to Med School? I'm stupid, I can't do it. I'm burnt out. No school will ever want me. 

My best friend Adam and I are in some weird unspoken funk right now. He's been going through his fair amount of shit, and I don't want to do anything to add to his stress or anxiety. I'm having a hard time because I feel like I'm not has much of a priority anymore. We haven't had a real conversation on the phone in a long time. He gets to spend all this time talking to other people and devoting attention elsewhere. I'm hurting. I feel like I used to mean so much more to him and I don't right now. I miss him like hell and wish he missed me too. I love him, I just don't know or really understand what's going on. 

Stephen continues to flip and flop about being my friend. One minute he wants to talk to me a ton, and then the next he texts me when it's convenient for him. He's told me that he feels like people don't love him and he feels alone. So I try to be his friend and let him know I'm there and he jumps down my throat saying that's not what he needs right now. He said for our friendship to continue, that's something I need to understand. 

I messed up with my friend Benji and did something pretty selfish. My actions were completely for my own gain, to hide pain or feelings I was experiencing. He has trust issues and because of that, is having a hard time forgiving me. I have apologized numerous times, but he still is conflict about it. To add to that, he's hanging out with Mac... YES, THAT MAC. 

Luke only talks to me when it's convenient. He's always busy with student counsel, friends, and being the stalwart guy that he is among other things. I feel like a charity friend with him, like I'm not good enough to be a real friend.

Kyle speaks to me when he needs something, like a ride. He is full of himself and superficial and he admits those things. In the past I told him that I felt attracted to him, and more or less he told me that I was ugly.

David... he used to be one of my closest friends. I haven't spoke to him in almost two months. He's made no effort to see or talk to me and we used to communicate daily and hang out a couple times a week. He's in love with this guy who hates me because David and I were friends. David whether meaning to or not has always made me feel runner up to this guy. David has always put this guy before me in everything. They've acted out together and continue to. David's made his choice and priorities clear, and I'm simply not one of them. I've been thinking about him a lot and I miss him. It makes me sad. 

Combine school, all these relationship troubles, my calling, plus normal day to day life being a gay Mormon, I just feel like my light has been extinguished. I feel defeated. I feel like I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm fat. I feel like that's why guys never like me. I feel like there's something inherently wrong with me, people don't want to be my friend. I have wanted more than nothing the past couple hours for life to just end so I could escape the pain, the failure, the loneliness. 

I wanted my friends to call me up and let me know that they love me, to let me know that I'm important. I wanted to have someone come over and hold me while I cry. I wanted to have my friends tell me they wanted to hang out with me. I wanted to have positive enforcement and words of affirmation. But I haven't gotten it.

I wish I could conclude this with some uplifting message or gospel connection, but I can't.  All I can say is I'm sad. I'm really sad. 


Wednesday, March 6, 2013

These Times

These times will try hard to define me,
And I'll try to hold my head up high.
But I've seen despair here, from the inside,
It's got a one track mind.

And I have this feeling in my gut now,
And I don't know what it is I'll find.
Does anybody, ever feel like, you're always one step behind

Now I'm sitting alone here in my bed,
I'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I'm failing
I'm telling you, these times are hard but they will...

And I know there's someone out there somewhere
That has it much worse than I do.
But I have a dream inside, a perfect life, I'd give anything just to work
It's like I'm only trying to dig my way out of all these things I can't
And I am,

Sitting alone here in my bed,
I'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I'm failing
I'm telling you; these times are hard but they will pass

They will pass, they will pass...

These times are hard but they will...

These times will try hard, to define me.
But I will hold my head up high

Sitting alone here in my bed,
I'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I'm failing
I'm telling you; these times are hard but they will pass
And I know there's a reason, I just keep hoping it wont be long 'til I see
And maybe if we throw up our hands and believe it,
I'm telling you these times are hard, but they will pass

They will pass, they will pass...

These times are hard but they will pass