Sunday, March 10, 2013

Notice me, take my hand. Why are we strangers when...


Driving home from the gym today, I broke. My iPod was on shuffle and Marilyn Monroe by Nicki Minaj came on:

Truth is we mess up
Till we get it right
I don't want to end up losing my soul

I can get low, I can get low
Don’t know which way is up
Yea I can get high, I can get high
Like I could never come down

Call it a curse
Or just call me blessed
If you can’t handle my worst
You ain’t getting my best
Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt?
Must be how Marilyn Monroe felt

All the emotions from the past week or so came flooding in as I gasped for air and felt tears flood my eyes and stream down my face. 

I arrived home and went straight to my room. I shut the door and in the dark I collapsed against it and just let myself cry alone. 

This breakdown has been a long time coming, but the straw that broke the camels back today was failing an Organic Chemistry Exam (again, second in a row, and if its possible, I did even worse). I studied my ass off, and gave up sleep, a social life, and food. And I go in and completely get destroyed. I don't want to have to retake the class, and right now at the point where I am, I'm thinking that might be one of my last options. I feel so overwhelmed with the class. Can I even do freaking Organic Chemistry? Will I ever get to Med School? I'm stupid, I can't do it. I'm burnt out. No school will ever want me. 

My best friend Adam and I are in some weird unspoken funk right now. He's been going through his fair amount of shit, and I don't want to do anything to add to his stress or anxiety. I'm having a hard time because I feel like I'm not has much of a priority anymore. We haven't had a real conversation on the phone in a long time. He gets to spend all this time talking to other people and devoting attention elsewhere. I'm hurting. I feel like I used to mean so much more to him and I don't right now. I miss him like hell and wish he missed me too. I love him, I just don't know or really understand what's going on. 

Stephen continues to flip and flop about being my friend. One minute he wants to talk to me a ton, and then the next he texts me when it's convenient for him. He's told me that he feels like people don't love him and he feels alone. So I try to be his friend and let him know I'm there and he jumps down my throat saying that's not what he needs right now. He said for our friendship to continue, that's something I need to understand. 

I messed up with my friend Benji and did something pretty selfish. My actions were completely for my own gain, to hide pain or feelings I was experiencing. He has trust issues and because of that, is having a hard time forgiving me. I have apologized numerous times, but he still is conflict about it. To add to that, he's hanging out with Mac... YES, THAT MAC. 

Luke only talks to me when it's convenient. He's always busy with student counsel, friends, and being the stalwart guy that he is among other things. I feel like a charity friend with him, like I'm not good enough to be a real friend.

Kyle speaks to me when he needs something, like a ride. He is full of himself and superficial and he admits those things. In the past I told him that I felt attracted to him, and more or less he told me that I was ugly.

David... he used to be one of my closest friends. I haven't spoke to him in almost two months. He's made no effort to see or talk to me and we used to communicate daily and hang out a couple times a week. He's in love with this guy who hates me because David and I were friends. David whether meaning to or not has always made me feel runner up to this guy. David has always put this guy before me in everything. They've acted out together and continue to. David's made his choice and priorities clear, and I'm simply not one of them. I've been thinking about him a lot and I miss him. It makes me sad. 

Combine school, all these relationship troubles, my calling, plus normal day to day life being a gay Mormon, I just feel like my light has been extinguished. I feel defeated. I feel like I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm fat. I feel like that's why guys never like me. I feel like there's something inherently wrong with me, people don't want to be my friend. I have wanted more than nothing the past couple hours for life to just end so I could escape the pain, the failure, the loneliness. 

I wanted my friends to call me up and let me know that they love me, to let me know that I'm important. I wanted to have someone come over and hold me while I cry. I wanted to have my friends tell me they wanted to hang out with me. I wanted to have positive enforcement and words of affirmation. But I haven't gotten it.

I wish I could conclude this with some uplifting message or gospel connection, but I can't.  All I can say is I'm sad. I'm really sad. 

-GMSW 

3 comments:

  1. That all sounds really uncomfortable. I'm sorry. :/

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel for you. I'm sure I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I know I've felt emotionally beaten before, where I just want to give up. But when I just hold on, things get better. Storms pass. People mature. Perspectives change. But it is still not fun while I'm holding on.

    Know that people are pulling for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Best wishes - you are not alone.

    ReplyDelete

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