Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Thinking All Love Ever Does Is Break And Burn And End...


At the beginning of each school year growing up, I would receive a father's blessing. When I got to high school and my dad left the church, it changed to being given from one of my Young Men's leaders or my Bishop. Now that I'm in college (almost done actually!), I have close friends give me my blessings.

I hadn't gotten around to getting a blessing yet this semester because I kept forgetting, and then my friend who was supposed to give it to me kept flaking out. I felt like really needed to get one, with my class load being so heavy and being in the process of graduating and applying for Med School.

I decided to ask my friend Rast. Rast showed up early in the morning before school and gave me a blessing. In the blessing it talked about the expectations given to me by myself and by others. I was told to forget them and to focus on each of my classes, one assignment at a time, specifically focusing on larger assignments. I was instructed to concentrate on now instead of the future (Med School). I was also told to make new friends as well as continue my friendships. As I improve in these areas of my life, other areas will improve as well.

I told my mother while I was home for Christmas that I was over being nice to people and trying to make friends. I'd had my heart broken 8 months ago and have never really recovered from that. I'm still in the healing process. I've had a lot of people that I thought were my friends hurt me and screw me over, and just lose interest in me. I've been cheated on and backstabbed. I've cried more tears than I knew was physically possible.

I've told myself to turn off emotions, friends, and just focus on school, my family, and the dog I will get one day.

Then something happened. I met this kid in one of my classes. His name is Walker. And other than having freaking amazing hair, and being really attractive (he's straight), he's genuine and super nice. I started talking to him because he had a really nice watch.

We talked about our exercise routines. I expressed that I was bored with the gym and wanted to switch things up (I had just gotten Insanity a while ago but had never used it). He said he just started Insanity. So we decided to start doing Insanity together. The first time we worked out together, he took off his shirt (you're killing me bro) because he got too hot.

Insanity six days a week plus our classes together, has led to Walker and I spending a lot of time together. We've started having real conversations about things which has been cool, because it has allowed me to see him as a person, and not an object. And the more I get to know as a person, the more that I like and respect him.

This weekend I planned a double date with two girls I'm friends with and Walker. The girls left to go grab some things from their apartment while Walker and I stayed to do dishes.

Walker: "Can I ask you a question?"

Me: "Sure."

Walker: "Why have you been so nice to me and inviting me to do things? It's really cool and I appreciate it. We haven't known each other that long, it's just rare for people to do that, especially guys."

I explained to Walker about my blessing and how the majority of my friends are now gone or married and I'm lacking. I saw thought he was cool and saw him as a person worth investing in.

After the double date, everyone had left and I texted Walker to see if he had had a good time. He told me he had a lot of fun. We chatted a little bit more, and then he had to go, but before he did he told me "Love you bro." My body felt warm and tingly. His words resonated in my heart. I hadn't initiated the "Love you bro," he had. He made sure to give me a hug when he first came to my apartment and then again right before he left.

For the first time in months I felt genuinely, innocently happy. I was having my needs met. I had a solid, good-influence guy express emotion and love towards me, and it sure as hell felt awesome.

I've been so emotionally turned off these past couple of months, I didn't realized what I was missing. I do feel that Walker is an answer to part of the blessing that Rast gave me.

#blessed.

Cheers,
GMSW