Saturday, September 29, 2012

Tragedy or Destiny? - Support Materials Chapter - Tragedy or Destiny?

I suggest reading this talk for anyone who is going through a hard time. It doesn't just have to be because your gay.

Two things stood out to me:

1.) Should all prayers be immediately answered according to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment, or even death, and if these were not, there would also be no joy, success, resurrection, nor eternal life and Godhood.

“For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things … righteousness … wickedness … holiness … misery … good … bad. …” (2 Nephi 2:11.)

2.) Fifty years later, Elder Spencer W. Kimball, then a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, found himself far away from home, recovering from major surgery. Unable to sleep, he recalled the day his mother died: “I feel like sobbing again now … as my memory takes me over those sad paths.

It is okay to cry. It is okay to experience hardship while trying to press through something. I know that I've had this mistaken belief that I have to be perfect and just pretend like everything is okay. I know now that I am allowed to cry when things are hard. I am allowed to ask for help. I am allowed to pray to my Heavenly Father and say "Heavenly Father, I am just so sad." What I am not allowed to do is give up. This is absolutely essential. 

I hope that someone is able to benefit from this as it has helped me greatly.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Greenie Theory

In my religion class I was introduced to an idea that my professor had labeled "The Greenie Theory". Members of the Church know that new Elders in the mission field are often called "greenies". Greenies tend to be awkward. They stick their foot in their mouths, they don't know how to talk to people. They make mistakes. They are constantly learning and growing. Two questions that new missionaries are always asked are  "Where are you from?" and How long have you been out?" As a missionary progresses in the field, they become more and more comfortable. The feelings of homesickness and inadequacy go away. They are able to lead and excel as a missionary. What happens when you become a good missionary? The Lord sends you home. He makes you uncomfortable again.

My professor applied this idea of being green from not only a missionary standpoint, but from a life standpoint. Are we not all green? We are all learning and growing. We are all new to some area of our life. We serve a mission, get comfortable and are sent home. We go to college and are comfortable and then we graduate. We get married and are comfortable and then we have children. We move into a new ward and get comfortable and then we are given a calling. The Lord does not want any one of us to be stagnant. He wants his children to continue to progress. It's all part of the plan.

It is so easy to become comfortable in a way of life and argue that it's easy, it's what one is used to. The Lord never promised easy, he just promised that it would be worth it. Our greatest growth comes in times of struggle, in times where our faith is put to the test, our character is held to the light.

Instead of dragging our feet and complaining about the discomforts. Learn to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Find joy in the journey.


Tuesday, September 25, 2012


Today I experienced a first. I had my first real taste of cyber bullying. I'm not out of the closet, but you could say I'm also not your stereotypical guy. Being gay tends to lead one to have more extreme emotions and greater levels of attachment.

As I've stated in a previous post, my friends are my everything. i love them and would do anything for them. Because of this, I love to have pictures of myself and friends. Guys and girls. I like to do projects with pictures of my friends. I don't know if one would call it a hobby as much as one would call it a validation mechanism that my friends are real.

Anyway. I posted this photo of my best friend and I on Facebook. A couple of douchecakes from my mission leaped upon the opportunity to pick on me like sharks smelling blood in the water. There was the four of them making petty and rude comments. Comments that went past the point of mean, to the point of where it was bullying.

It upset me greatly. First thing I did was delete the comments and then delete them from my friends. I have no intention of having people on my Facebook who are going to pick on me.

It isn't even the fact that I'm gay. It's the fact that them hinting at that and making fun of me made it seem like I was the one that was so incredibly wrong. I truly believe if I was out, they would have done the same thing, but just been more rude.

I cried a fair amount today over it but decided that I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of bringing me down. I chose to continue to be me and pursue my dreams.

Bullying is wrong. Period. It is never okay. You may have different religious viewpoints from someone. But it is never okay to bully someone.

This feels like a "It Get's Better" message. But I want y'all to know that it really does. Screw these single minded petty people.


Sunday, September 23, 2012


Every child in the LDS faith can tell you the story of the Book of Mormon Prophet Lehi. How he was commanded to leave Jerusalem with his family because it was going to be destroyed.

"And it came to pass that he departed into the wilderness. And he left his house, and the land of his inheritance, and his gold, and his silver, and his precious things, and took nothing with him, save it were his family, and provisions, and tents, and departed into the wilderness." - Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 2:4

Now this scripture may not jump out with spiritual profoundness to anyone, but today while I was in Priesthood it really stood out to me. I realized that this scripture is very much a metaphor for each and every one of us as children of our Heavenly Father. Like Lehi and his family, we left our home (the premortal life) because we were asked by God to. God presented us with the opportunity to have eternal increase, to go to the land of Bountiful where we would have everything we ever desired and more. But first we were to go into the wilderness to prove ourselves; to be tested. In the wilderness we experience challenges such as sickness, death, sadness, disappointment, heartache, etc. At times we feel like we want to go back to the comforts of home because life just gets too hard. We feel alone. It is important for us to remember that we are not alone. Like Lehi we also have our family, our provisions (the scriptures), and we have a Liahona (the Prophet, our own patriarchal blessing). 

This scripture stuck out as another testament to me that I was supposed to have the trials that I do. Being gay is hard. Especially as a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints... but I can do it. I accepted this trial and Heavenly Father has provided the provisions that I need to get through the wilderness to the land of Bountiful. 

I recall another scripture later on in 2 Nephi 33:3

"But I, Nephi, have written what I have written, and I esteem it as of great worth, and especially unto my people. For I pray continually for them by day, and mine eyes water my pillow by night, because of them; and I cry unto my God in faith, and I know that he will hear my cry."

Like Nephi I frequently find mine eyes watering my pillow at night, crying unto God in faith. Like Nephi, I too can testify that God will and does hear my cry. I am never alone.


Saturday, September 22, 2012

Dating... just not for me

My major is Pre-Med. I'll graduate in the spring and then take the MCAT and apply for Med School. I've always been really serious about my school work. It comes before anything and everything. It has really worked to my advantage on the dating scene during college especially since I'm an RM and supposed to be diligently seeking out an eternal companion. I use my studies as an excuse as why I don't date. It's partially true. I do feel I'm just supposed to focus on my school work and not worry about that right now. But it's also because I have no interest in dating girls currently. In all honesty, most girls annoy the crap out of me. Especially college freshmen girls. They are so loud and clueless sometimes.

Anyways, tonight I was working on my homework (like I always do) when two of my roommates come in and ask me if I wanted a date tonight. They said they had these girls they were taking on dates and the girls didn't want their roommate to be left out. So I was the chosen one to fill that obligation. It didn't take me long to figure out that this girl wasn't that attractive. So it felt a bit like I was getting shafted which pissed me off. I said no because I had a mission thing tonight and I also wanted to hang out with my best friend. I had no desire to go on a date let alone a date with the fat roommate that the other roommates feel sorry for.

So I continued with my night and in that time I had to do laundry. There were a bunch of people at my apartment waiting to go out on the group date that I was supposed to go on. One guy (very attractive mind you) would talk to me each and every time I went out the door and always said I'll miss you jokingly. His friends kept giving him a hard time saying he kept hitting on any guy or girl that came through the door. They jokingly told him that he needed to decide if he was gay or not. Then one of his friends proceeded to ask him if he was broken... which stung a lot. Not that they know I'm gay, but it made me sad to think that those people have the mistaken belief that being gay means you're broken.

I feel like I should end this post with some conclusion that wraps things together, or with some spiritual insight, but I don't have anything. Just random thoughts.


Friday, September 21, 2012

Freight Train

Sometimes you're going so fast, you don't realize how much you're hurting. Sometimes you get so busy with classes and homework, home teaching, relationships with friends, relationships with family, that you forget about yourself.

Sometimes you get 4-5 hours sleep a night and it becomes normal. Sometimes you just push through it to make it to the weekend. Sometimes you are so intent on helping everyone else around you, that you forget about yourself.

Sometimes when it's friday afternoon you go home and lay down for a nap because you actually have time to.You lock the door, shut the blinds and as you're falling asleep you heart starts aching terrible. It hits you by surprise like a freight train at night that forgot to turn on it's lights. You miss your friends and wish they missed you like you missed them. You know they love you, you just wish they could show it more. You see everyone around you and it appears they all have someone they can't live without. You see all these people with people they have romantic feelings for and would do anything for. But you have no one and this you never forget.

Sometimes when this happens, you just let yourself silently cry, hold your pillow, and fall asleep.


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Someone Like You...

I signed onto Facebook today before my A&P class since I had some time to spare. As I was browsing my newsfeed, a post came up of a girl I used to date: she was engaged. I felt my stomach drop. Though I identify myself as gay, I've had a couple of relationships with girls. This particular girl was in a chem class with me a couple of semesters ago. I instantly thought she was attractive, smart, and funny. We really hit it off. I found myself for the first time in a long time wanting to ask a girl out on a date. It was the first time since my mission actually. I had so much anxiety because I felt so much pressure with dating a girl considering the LDS environment at the school that I am surrounded by. Our first date went pretty well. For the rest of the semester we continued to go on dates and spend a lot of time together. Around Thanksgiving, I felt like the relationship was progressing nicely and decided to have a 'DTR' with her. She told me that I was an awesome guy, but she wasn't interested in a serious relationship right then and so we ended things.

Seeing her engaged to another man feels like another reminder of how I feel like a failure. It's brought up all my insecurities and memories of my relationships with people currently and formerly.

I had my first and only girlfriend when I was 18. We dated for a year and a half. I loved the feeling of having someone to call mine. I love that someone was telling me I love you all the time. I loved that someone cared about me so much. But in reality, I think that I liked the idea of a girlfriend better than the actually thing. I supposed I should have clued into being gay when we would kiss and I would feel more of an obligation than enjoyment. Our relationship wasn't healthy. Don't get me wrong, she taught me some wonderful things; to respect myself and be proud of who I was and have confidence. She taught me that I could do anything that I set my mind to. She also taught me what I didn't want in a wife. She cheated on me while we were dating and discussing marriage (we already had the names of our kids picked out and our wedding date). She had sex with three different guys and it all came to light right when I was preparing to go on a mission and caught her in a web of lies.

Though my girlfriend did so much to hurt me, I still never got over her. She was my first and still only girl that I've kissed. We were the type of people that we always had a thing for each other. We would get back together when we were both single. She wrote me my entire mission. I guess I held onto the hope that we would both grow and change and that maybe one day we would end up together. She too became engaged a couple of months ago.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm rambling. This renewal of pain and the constant painful reminder that I am alone and may very well be for the rest of my life came throbbing back center stage.

Will I ever find my wife? Or will I be destined to be the old creepy single guy in the ward?

As all this is going on, my friend is dealing with his feelings for another guy. He knows what he wants and that is to stay in the church. I'm there for him 100%. But I can't help but feel super jealous. I don't want a relationship with him. But like I said in a previous post... I wish that he felt romantic about me like that. To know that I meant that much to him. I would never ever compromise my friendship with him. I can't explain it. Sometimes I just wish he would grab my face and kiss it. Then I could somehow heroically tell him that we can't.

I know that I should find my happiness in the Lord and not need someone else to make me feel happy. But shit, who can blame a person for just wanting to feel their phone vibrate and see a message from someone expressing their love for you. Then you just smile because it makes you so happy.

Acknowledge that it hurts. Give it the attention that it needs, and moving forward.


Teardrops on My Guitar

Today in my religion class we talked about true love, what it was and what it wasn't. I thought I had a good understanding of what love was. But I came to realize there were some things that I do that tend to lean more to the side of infatuation instead of love. It made me realize just how imperfect I am and how I'm not nearly in the place I thought I was.

I still find myself pining over one of my friends, hoping that he will say he loves me, that he will do things for me, that he will send me a random text message or Facebook post. I've found myself wishing that he would fall in love with me just so I could have someone who cared about me that much. I don't want a relationship with a man, but the thought of having him love me that much makes me feel weak.

I still find myself hoping that I will hear back from certain people and they will want from me what I want from them. I find myself wishing for things that I can't force on people. I can't make people love me and I can't expect them to do the same things for me as I would for them, that's unrealistic.

I'm selfish. I tell myself I give so much for my friends. I do so much. But what is my real motivation behind it? Can I honestly say that I always do it because I want to? Or is there a part of me that hopes that I can benefit from it by hearing an I love you?


Sunday, September 16, 2012

My Beautiful Heartbreak

Today I had a friend contact me and say he needed to talk. We live in the same apartment complex and had just met the week before. He just so happens to be gay as well. He has very recently came to accept his feelings and deal with them. He picked me up and we drove to a nearby church parking lot so we could talk. He told me everything he was feeling... how he's made mistakes in the past, how part of him feels guilty, how part of him doesn't. He expressed a lot of the same feelings and emotions that I too experienced. We discussed what he really wanted and what he didn't. I told him I would support him in whatever he chooses but if he asks my opinion, I will give it and not sugarcoat it.

Then came the realization as I was talking to him. Wow GMSW! It was as if I was talking to myself a year ago. I couldn't believe how far I've come! I have grown so much over the past year and not even noticed. I had made several mistakes mostly because I was looking for love, comfort and understanding in the wrong places. But now I have finally made it to a point where I feel like the fact that I'm gay doesn't control my life. My Savior has enabled me to use it as a teacher and a tool to meet other's needs. I am much more perceptive and sensitive. I still have days where I feel lonely and have the thoughts to act out, but I am able to meet those needs in a much healthier way. I have loved ones (friends and family) who show me love but also accountability. My Savior has turned my struggle into a strength.

I recall something my mother told me last time I went home and visited. She said "GMSW, you have changed. You are much more forgiving and calm. You seem to understand people a lot better. I can see the power of the Lord's atonement in your life." It is so true. When one experiences the sanctifying and healing power of the glorious and infinite atonement, one is much quicker to forgive and much slower to judge.

I am so thankful for a Savior who has given me this experience to learn and grow from. To be able to become clay in his hands, so he can mold me into the man that I need to be. I'm thankful for the opportunity I have to build up other people and bring them to Christ.


Friday, September 14, 2012

We Are Never Ever Ever Ever Getting Back Together

It's currently 3:00 a.m. and I have to get up in three hours to start getting ready for my first class of the day. I'm gonna be screwed for class, but honestly right now I really could care less. I have so many emotions running through me right now. I'm so angry and upset right now with other people. I'm upset with myself, I just can't believe I'm in this position again.

Since I was 7 years old, I've always had this complex about friends; more specifically friends that were male. I struggled to have friends that were the same sex all the way up till high school. One reason because I was a really shy kid (Lord knows I don't have that problem anymore) and two because I was just different. I suppose I should have known then that I was gay, but I was very sheltered and ignorant.

I'm just always been overly emotional. I get so attached to people when they show the slightest bit of love towards me. This tendency usually causes me to get pretty crazy and attached to them. I get this hero complex where I feel like I have to do and be everything for them. I want to be their number one, the person they love and come to for anything. (Side note, this is always and only with guys). I somehow sickly relish the feeling of feeling so needed and loved.

Why did I start this blog? I did it again. I came across a blog of a fellow brother fighting the good fight. I reached out to this person and we began communicating daily by email. After over a month of communicating I became attached and wanted to have an actual friendship. He questioned my motives and called me out for needing some sort of validation for a friendship, that I needed it. Which I guess in part is right, but doesn't make it any easier. I wanted to have this real friendship with this guy who was in a similar position as me. But like I've done to myself to so many times, I've built myself up to mean a lot more to someone than I actually am. Being told more or less, you're just another cog in the machine hurts like hell to say the least. For me this person was an actual friend, dare say a best friend who I told everything in the world to. But for this person, I was just another reader and a crazy one at that.

I'm sick of it. Sick of putting it all out there and being shafted. For once I'd like to mean as much as someone as they mean to me. I sound super gay and emotional right now but whatever. I want to tell myself and my emotional attachment that "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together". I want to be able to be strong enough to not need people. I want to be able to just press forward with my day and stay optimistic. But alas, that's not the case.

Right now I feel like my psychotic tendencies just drive away people even when I have the best intentions. I would usually deal with this by putting on some depressing music and moping, but since school can't be put on hold, especially right now, it will have to wait.