Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Someone Like You...


I signed onto Facebook today before my A&P class since I had some time to spare. As I was browsing my newsfeed, a post came up of a girl I used to date: she was engaged. I felt my stomach drop. Though I identify myself as gay, I've had a couple of relationships with girls. This particular girl was in a chem class with me a couple of semesters ago. I instantly thought she was attractive, smart, and funny. We really hit it off. I found myself for the first time in a long time wanting to ask a girl out on a date. It was the first time since my mission actually. I had so much anxiety because I felt so much pressure with dating a girl considering the LDS environment at the school that I am surrounded by. Our first date went pretty well. For the rest of the semester we continued to go on dates and spend a lot of time together. Around Thanksgiving, I felt like the relationship was progressing nicely and decided to have a 'DTR' with her. She told me that I was an awesome guy, but she wasn't interested in a serious relationship right then and so we ended things.

Seeing her engaged to another man feels like another reminder of how I feel like a failure. It's brought up all my insecurities and memories of my relationships with people currently and formerly.

I had my first and only girlfriend when I was 18. We dated for a year and a half. I loved the feeling of having someone to call mine. I love that someone was telling me I love you all the time. I loved that someone cared about me so much. But in reality, I think that I liked the idea of a girlfriend better than the actually thing. I supposed I should have clued into being gay when we would kiss and I would feel more of an obligation than enjoyment. Our relationship wasn't healthy. Don't get me wrong, she taught me some wonderful things; to respect myself and be proud of who I was and have confidence. She taught me that I could do anything that I set my mind to. She also taught me what I didn't want in a wife. She cheated on me while we were dating and discussing marriage (we already had the names of our kids picked out and our wedding date). She had sex with three different guys and it all came to light right when I was preparing to go on a mission and caught her in a web of lies.

Though my girlfriend did so much to hurt me, I still never got over her. She was my first and still only girl that I've kissed. We were the type of people that we always had a thing for each other. We would get back together when we were both single. She wrote me my entire mission. I guess I held onto the hope that we would both grow and change and that maybe one day we would end up together. She too became engaged a couple of months ago.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm rambling. This renewal of pain and the constant painful reminder that I am alone and may very well be for the rest of my life came throbbing back center stage.

Will I ever find my wife? Or will I be destined to be the old creepy single guy in the ward?

As all this is going on, my friend is dealing with his feelings for another guy. He knows what he wants and that is to stay in the church. I'm there for him 100%. But I can't help but feel super jealous. I don't want a relationship with him. But like I said in a previous post... I wish that he felt romantic about me like that. To know that I meant that much to him. I would never ever compromise my friendship with him. I can't explain it. Sometimes I just wish he would grab my face and kiss it. Then I could somehow heroically tell him that we can't.

I know that I should find my happiness in the Lord and not need someone else to make me feel happy. But shit, who can blame a person for just wanting to feel their phone vibrate and see a message from someone expressing their love for you. Then you just smile because it makes you so happy.

Acknowledge that it hurts. Give it the attention that it needs, and moving forward.

Cheers,
GMSW

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