Sunday, February 9, 2014

I'm sure your heart breaks when some people still say...


Friday morning as I was getting ready for my morning classes, my roommate Scott called me into his room. He was working on a discussion board for his online religion class. 

Scott: "Dude I'm on here gay bashing!"

Me: (exasperated) "Dude..."

Scott: "Not really. But read what I wrote."

(I had him email me a copy)

"People aren't naturally gay. They are naturally straight. It's mind boggling that people actually believe that. It's your lustful desires that actually make you believe that you are feeling attracted to the same sex. God has clearly stated that marriage is for man and woman. Men are attracted to women and I know I've had temptations for them as well. Women have temptations to be with men, and it's true that the desire people have to be gay are also in that same category of sin: that they are attracted and lusting after something that they want. This is not what they were forced to have, these 'natural' feelings as this 'gay' guy says or any other gay person. I'm not bashing on them but clearly stating the obvious. Anyone is a fool to believe you were made to be someone other than who god created you to be and you were not created to be 'gay.' I'm only being bold and honest. Think about it a little please. 

Elder Maxwell gave a talk entitled 'According to the Desire of Our Hearts' and this quote is perfect for the situation on how we will be judged. 'Desire denotes a real longing or craving. Hence righteous desires are much more than passive preferences or fleeting feelings. Of course our genes, circumstances, and environments matter very much, and they shape us significantly. Yet there remains an inner zone in which we are sovereign, unless we abdicate. In this zone lies the essence of our individuality and our personal accountability.'

The Environment shapes people, it's true, but we will be judged upon the desire of our heart. If our desire is to do something contrary to god then it's simple, you will be judged by him and only him (strait or gay). So for me to summarize, do what you want with your life. I accept everyone and all people for what they believe. I find good in everyone. I will not tolerate people coming up with random excuses to sin. It is ridiculous."

I was earth shattered. My heart ached and I felt myself shift to being upset and sad. Scott doesn't know about me. And since I was literally leaving for class in ten minutes, then was not the time to out myself or have a political debate about his post.

I spent the day allowing my thoughts to process. What he said was so ignorant, so bigoted, so hurtful. Believe me, I didn't choose this. I would have never chose this. It was given to me. The way Scott feels about girls, is the way I feel about men. He doesn't understand that though. What he said wasn't correct reguarding the Church's doctrine. The Church has no official statement on what they believe does or doesn't cause people to experince SSA. 

I called my mom later that day after my classes were finished. She empathized with me. She was upset. She wants me to speak with him and show him mormonsandgays.org. In her words "how will people change if they aren't ever taught anything different?" 

This is just the latest facet of the inner turmoil that I'm experiencing right now. My friend Walker uses offensive words such as "gay" and "fag" to describe things all the time. His roommates do too. They continually bash gay people. I sat in their apartment and listened to it for 20 minutes and never felt so awkard and upset before in my life. 

The topic of homosexuality comes up almost every day here at school. It's usually a loaded discussion and quite honestly I'm really sick of it. I'm split on the issue obviously being a gay man in the Church. I feel as if the majority of people I'm surrounded by are so ignorant and aggressive on the topic. None of these Church members are actually practicing charity. Christ would never behave this way.

Watching the Grammys was torture. Macklemore's performance of Same Love upset me so much. Half of me was waiting for the Savior to smite down the entire building with lightening. The other half of me was longing to marry a man that I could call mine and spend the rest of my life with. 

I need to speak with Scott and with Walker eventually. 

But as of right now, I'm exhausted.

I'm sure your heart breaks,
When some people still say, 
Somewhere down the line you lost your faith. 
How much can one heart take?

Cheers,
GMSW 



6 comments:

  1. You'll be in my prayers. He will, too. I'm praying for your well being and I'm praying that he'll get a clue! Glad you wrote about this, it will help others, and I hope it helped you, too.

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  2. I am so sorry. This is just the worst. It makes going home, a place that should be a refuge from the world, feel like a continuous place of battle and pain. I wish your roommates had more sense and sensitivity to know better.

    I do hope you are able to talk to them soon and that their hearts will be softened.

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  3. WOW. I am SO sorry that you have to go through that. I, too, have friends and family that are prone to gay-bashing, and the only thing that has helped is to talk to them about it. I hope that you can talk to them soon. Best of luck, my friend.

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  4. Bigotry is so common in the church. There was a relief society president a couple years back when I was going to church that was openly gay bashing at church while she was promoting prob 8 stuff during announcements. so not cool. Lots of my mormon family really don't get what I'm about and some have said they will never speak to me again. very very sad when the understanding is not there.

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  5. My heart hurt for you while I read this. I wish more people in the church (and people in general) would follow the Savior's example and treat everyone with kindness and respect. Never forget that you are a son of God and that he loves you. Be strong. It will get better.

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