Gay Mormon Stripling Warrior

At the beginning of each school year growing up, I would receive a father's blessing. When I got to high school and my dad left the church, it changed to being given from one of my Young Men's leaders or my Bishop. Now that I'm in college (almost done actually!), I have close friends give me my blessings. I hadn't gotten around to getting a blessing yet this semester because I kept forgetting, and then my friend who was supposed to give it to me kept flaking out. I felt like really needed to get one, with my class load being so heavy and being in the process of graduating and applying for Med School. I decided to ask my friend Rast. Rast showed up early in the morning before school and gave me a blessing. In the blessing it talked about the expectations given to me by myself and by others. I was told to forget them and to focus on each of my classes, one assignment at a time, specifically focusing on larger assignments. I was instructed to concentrate on now in...

This past week has been my Spring Break away from school. So I've been able to spend some down time with my family, sleep in, and think about my life. Saturday as I sat on the airplane home, I felt severe anxiety about my friends in my life. I felt like one by one they were either disappointing me or falling as a casualty to the war against Satan: Adam and I have drifted somehow. Our schedules have both been insane. I've been preparing for finals and job hunting while Adam has been preparing for finals, graduation and finding a stable first career job. In addition to that, he's just distanced himself from me which has made me more frustrated. It seems like we used to be able to talk forever and never get tired of it, but now whenever I ask him how he's doing, his response is always "good". He never divulges or goes in depth like he used to. It's like he's shut himself off to me. He recently told me he doesn't believe the Church is true anym...

Driving home from the gym today, I broke. My iPod was on shuffle and Marilyn Monroe by Nicki Minaj came on: Truth is we mess up Till we get it right I don't want to end up losing my soul I can get low, I can get low Don’t know which way is up Yea I can get high, I can get high Like I could never come down Call it a curse Or just call me blessed If you can’t handle my worst You ain’t getting my best Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt? Must be how Marilyn Monroe felt All the emotions from the past week or so came flooding in as I gasped for air and felt tears flood my eyes and stream down my face.  I arrived home and went straight to my room. I shut the door and in the dark I collapsed against it and just let myself cry alone.  This breakdown has been a long time coming, but the straw that broke the camels back today was failing an Organic Chemistry Exam (again, second in a row, and if its possible, I did even worse). I studied my ass off, and gave up sleep, a ...

It's been a while since I've written... So this post is gonna be just thoughts and catching up. I apologize for the  sporadicness... A couple days ago I was sitting in the front room of my apartment with my roommates. We glanced out the window and discovered our apartment building was surrounded by cop cars and police tape. No one knew what was going on. There was no ambulance, and what looked like a Bishopric in suits showed up and walked passed our apartment. While we were sitting there debating about what was going on, our doorbell rung and we opened it. A group of men with a full body bag had accidently hit it on their way down the stairs. I knew immediately what had happened; someone had committed suicide. I recognized the situation from seeing it countless times growing up with my older brother. He had attempted to commit suicide more than once and thankfully had never been successful with it. Over the next couple of days, details came a...

If you're looking for uplifting post, turn away now. Click back, read some other blog that makes their life seem like a walk in the park or go to LDS.org and read the latest message from the apostles. This post is not going to be happy in the least. You've been warned. You know that moment in The Dark Knight Rises where Bruce Wayne is in prison and doing sit-ups and the prison doctor says that he is afraid of Bane? Do you remember his response? " I'm not afraid. I'm angry." Yeah that's me right now. Combine that with the bitch Miranda sticking a knife in his side while his back is turned. Honesty is something that has always been important to me. My dad cheated on my mom. My ex-girlfriend (who I was practically engaged to) cheated on me with at least two other guys while we were dating. I don't trust people easily, but when I do, I trust them with everything. Lose my trust, you're gonna have to work your ass off to earn it back. One of my ...

Life often deals you cards that catch you by surprise. I at least seem to always have a specific vision of what I believe my life should be. I am very type A when it comes to planning and organizing. I do it with academics, I do it with my daily schedule, I do it with church, I even do it with friends. After months of frustration in particular friendships with people, I came to a crossroads. I was done feeling like I wasn't good enough, I was done feeling like just an option, I was done feeling like I was not a priority. I stopped trying in some of friendships I really held dear because I was so tired of feeling hurt. I was so done. I still consider these friends to be dear to me, but they need to realize what they've been doing. They need to take the incentive now, I'm not going to be burned anymore. To deal with the lack of communication with certain friends. I threw myself that much more into my school work and church things. I was being the perfect home teac...

When I was in elementary school I didn't have a lot of friends. I was quiet, not athletic, and blissfully ignorant. I was the definition of "nerd". I wore the pants thats you could zip off the bottoms and become shorts. I would wear the white socks half way up my shin. I had large round glasses, I was pudgy, I wore my Old Navy Tech Vest almost every day - yes I was that guy. My favorite thing to do was to read. I would devour any book that I could lay my hands on. Harry Potter was by and large my favorite. I have easily read each of the books in the series over a dozen times. Not only did I like to read. But I was usually the teacher's pet and top of my class. My less than desirable traits ostracized me from the guys (lack of interest or understanding in sports). My lack of athletic talent or body removed me from the interest list of any of the girls. Anyone that was left was then turned off by my teacher's pet qualities. So I didn't have any friend. ...

I must have this huge disclaimer on me that I can't see that apparently says "take advantage of me." I'm a gay mormon, so I already the tendency to be more emotional than most guys. I give and give and give with all the relationships in my life. At times I do it from the good of my heart, and at other times I admit I do it because I want a friend to feel obligated to reciprocate that love and care to me.  If some people would just look outside themselves and see that there is a person who genuinely loves them and cares about them. I stand there and most of the times these people just look right through me to other people in their lives who aren't even that great.  I know I'm not perfect. I know I make mistakes. I know I have truly crazy moments of attachment from being gay. I also know that I'm a damn good friend to people. I have always prided myself on the caliber of friend I am to people. I am the best friend that you see in movies, ...

For the first time in a long time, I am really happy. I just got back from the most amazing weekend. My buddy and I to spent the weekend with my family. My parents had flown in to spend time with their grandkids. I was able to spend so much time with my friend which I haven't been able to do in such a long time. I usually only get to see him for short periods of time. But this weekend, it was just him and I. I didn't have to share him or compete with others for him. It meant the world to me that he set aside the weekend for my family and I. In addition to that, he got along really well with my family. First thing he did when he met my mother was hug her. Then when we got ready to leave to head back to school, he hugged both my mom AND my dad. My family was so kind to my friend. They really loved him. There were no awkward moments or pauses. Everything just felt so relaxed and right. What makes this all so significant is that my parents know that both my buddy and I are gay...

It's funny how one person can say something to you and it means nothing, then another can say the same thing and it means the world to you. I'm always going off on how I feel lonely and don't feel like people love or appreciate me, I haven't felt that way the past couple of days that's for sure. My roommate was supposed to go with me and some friends to a movie. He bailed to go hang out with this girl that he really likes. I was a little irritated but more disappointed. When I got home from the movie, he came into my room like a dog with a tail in between his legs. He told me he felt awful for what he did. He regretted it as soon as he left. He said the rest of the night he felt like crying and that he was afraid he had damaged our friendship. It really upset him because in his own words "I want to be you best friend". It was a very flattering gesture and did move me. I felt loved that's for sure. I forgave him immediately. I would do anything for...