Saturday, December 29, 2012

Dating Anxiety

So tonight as I was pouring over my iTunes library looking for music that fit my angsty mood, I received a text message from my friend Cassie. She's in Colorado Springs for the break visiting with her parents.

Cassie randomly wanted to know what the name of my hometown was. I told her and asked why. Turns out she was talking to her parents about me. Her parents had seen several pictures of us together on Facebook and thought that we looked good together. I laughed and told Cassie that I had several family members as well as roommates say the same thing. Then Cassie dropped a bomb on me: she thought we looked good together too (and yes in that sense).

I've known Cassie for a about a year now. She's pretty, funny, and hard working. We're good friends in the sense that we hang out a lot. I know a ton about her (from the number of people she's kissed to the mistakes she's made earlier in her life). She doesn't know much about me. She doesn't know anything about me being gay. As far as she's concerned, I'm just a guy who likes to dress well and spends a tedious amount of time on his hair in the morning. She's asked a lot about how I'm doing and usually regardless of what's going on in my life I tell her I'm fine. I've gotten the vibe over the past couple of weeks that she may have feelings for me but I brushed them off as paranoia from Finals.

So... Cassie likes me and is interested in pushing our friendship past friendship. In all honesty I'm freaked. I feel awkward when one on one with most girls. I've been looking for reasons why I couldn't date her when the fact of the matter is I'm afraid. I'm afraid I can't reciprocate her feelings towards me which realistically right now, I really don't think I can.

The thought of being a boyfriend or something like that to a girl gives me severe anxiety. Of course that's what I want in the long run, but right now the thought of making out with let alone kissing a girl feels extremely uncomfortable. I know how to be a good boyfriend; opening the doors, cuddling, cute text messages, flowers, dates, movie nights, holding hands, etc. But I don't know how to be a REAL boyfriend. In other words, I like the idea but not the biggest fan of the execution of it.

I told her that we will go on a date when I get back to school. I figure no harm can come from one date, so we will see what happens.

I'll keep y'all posted.


Friday, December 28, 2012

I Knew You Were Trouble

If you're looking for uplifting post, turn away now. Click back, read some other blog that makes their life seem like a walk in the park or go to and read the latest message from the apostles. This post is not going to be happy in the least. You've been warned.

You know that moment in The Dark Knight Rises where Bruce Wayne is in prison and doing sit-ups and the prison doctor says that he is afraid of Bane? Do you remember his response? "I'm not afraid. I'm angry." Yeah that's me right now. Combine that with the bitch Miranda sticking a knife in his side while his back is turned.

Honesty is something that has always been important to me. My dad cheated on my mom. My ex-girlfriend (who I was practically engaged to) cheated on me with at least two other guys while we were dating. I don't trust people easily, but when I do, I trust them with everything. Lose my trust, you're gonna have to work your ass off to earn it back.

One of my charms/character flaws is that I am always honest. I say what I think and hold no bars with it. I'm not gonna pretend to like someone if I don't like them, but I'm also going to stick by my word if I do something. People always come to me if they want an honest opinion. They know I will level with them. My sisters do it all the time when they're trying on clothes.

My youngest sister is a pathological liar. She's so frustrating because she attempts to convince our family that she is living like she was taught when we all know she's living with her boyfriend, having sex, partying, drinking, etc. What makes me more angry than anything is that she doesn't own up to what she does. Don't pretend to be something your not.

My sisters actions and my feelings toward them pretty much sum up how I feel right now about other people in my life. I've had a couple of people come into my life recently who seem to have no problem pointing out my faults, mistakes and shortcomings. They seem to be under the mistaken delusion at times that I was romantically attracted to them (don't flatter yourself honey). I was being a good friend. You know what that means? Honesty, loyalty, compassion, and love. Don't bull shit me and accuse me of behaving a certain way or having other motives when I've always been upfront and honest. It's funny how they can be so quick to point the finger and then turn around and go do the thing that they were so worried that I was going to do to them.

People make mistakes and I get that. But don't tell me one thing and go around and do another, because the thing you feared so much with me is the thing you're now doing. Your word is all you have and once you go past your word, you have nothing.

From For The Strength of Youth

"Everyone needs good and true friends. They will be a great strength and blessing to you. They will influence how you think and act, and even help determine the person you will become. They will help you be a better person and will make it easier for you to live the gospel of Jesus Christ. Choose friends who share your values so you can strengthen and encourage each other in living high standards.
To have good friends, be a good friend. Show genuine interest in others; smile and let them know you care about them. Treat everyone with kindness and respect, and refrain from judging and criticizing those around you. Do not participate in any form of bullying. Make a special effort to be a friend to those who are shy or lonely, have special needs, or do not feel included.
As you seek to be a friend to others, do not compromise your standards. If your friends urge you to do things that are wrong, be the one to stand for the right, even if you stand alone. You may need to find other friends who will support you in keeping the commandments. Seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost as you make these choices."


Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas 2012

It's that time of year again. The year has come to a close and I get to not only reflect on the past year but also on the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

We know the story of a faithful and righteous couple who trusted in God, expressed great faith. An angel appeared to the virgin Mary and told her she would conceive a son. Her son would be the Savior, the literal son of God. Very willingly and at a young age mind you she obeyed. Joseph whom Mary was espoused to, discovered Mary was pregnant and was going to quietly put her way. Then an angel appeared Joseph and told him what Mary had told him was true.

The couple made their way by donkey to the city of Bethlehem to be taxed. There they went inn to inn looking for a place to stay. One inn had no room but found pity in the young couple. He put them up in his stable.

There Jesus Christ, the King of Kings was born. Not in a palace nor place of importance. No, the Savior of the World was born in a stable amongst cows and chickens, in a manger.

From the most humble of beginnings came the great Prince of Peace. The one who would later perform the greatest act of love that has ever, and will ever occur; the atonement.

What hit me while I pondering the birth of our Savior was that though he was a God. He had to be born  like we did. He had to experience the growing pains of life just as every one does. He had to learn and grow, he didn't just come to earth and start performing miracles and doing Heavenly Father's work. He had to work his way there.

Like him, I must go through my earthly trials and experiences to reach my eternal potential. Though born under less than ideal circumstances (being born with gay tendencies), I can and will through the Savior reach where I need to be.

Looking back over the past year, I'm so grateful for the experiences that I've had. I've gone through some hard things but always made it out on top. I've had some incredible people enter into my life that make wonder how I ever lived without them. I'm so blessed to have members of my family as well as the greatest friends that one could hope for who not only love me but support me in my challenges.

To everyone who reads my blog, I hope each of y'all have a Merry Christmas. May you feel the love and blessings of the Savior in your life.


Saturday, December 22, 2012

Emotional Overload

Have you ever had your life moving along quite nicely and then were completely blindsided by something? I have, multiple times. The most recent was Thursday as I was riding in the car with my Mother on the way to the chiropractor.

A couple months ago I asked my parents if I could order some new shoes and a couple new shirts. They said yes and they gave me their card to pay for it. I order the shoes and then ordered the five shirts that we agreed upon from Express. I got an email from Express saying that one of the shirts was out of stock so they refunded the money and shipped me the other four. One of the four I didn't like and sent it back. So instead of buying two more shirts, I bought three pairs of chinos from American Eagle instead that cost the same as one button-up from Express.

Now my younger sister is a pathological liar and lives a lifestyle contrary to that she was raised. She thinks we don't know what she does, but we do. My parents finally wised up about my sister and stopped giving her money or helping her altogether.

While riding in the car, my Mother accused me of lying to her and my Dad and using their card for more than what they said I could use it for. I tried to explain but she kept accusing me and shouting about the extra charges on the card with all the exchanging at Express and American Eagle purchase. It was hurtful because she was accusing me of acting like my dishonest little sister and then not even giving me the chance to defend myself.

Up to this point, I was so happy because I had been more honest with my parents over the past year and a half then I'd been in my entire life. Then here they are thinking I'm fraudulently using their credit card.

Her next accusation was that I bought the clothes to look like my buddy (who is also gay). She said that the clothing was flamboyant (colored pants) and she didn't want me to try to be someone else. Then I tried to explain to her that I bought the clothes because I like them, they were what was in style and I'm more than confident in myself at 23 years old and don't follow the crowd to fit in. I haven't done that shit since middle school. I told her I've loved clothes and fashion forever (stereotypical gay I know) and how was this any different.

To top off the conversation, she said that the weekend that that same buddy and I came down to hang out with her, my dad and my sister's family, my sister thought I was coming out of the closet (I haven't told her about me) and introducing my partner to my family. She told my mom that she loved me no matter what but she didn't want "that behavior" around her children. I was hurt and furious. My parents never said anything to me because they knew that my buddy and I were just friends. But my mother did make the comment that we have a lot of pictures together and that we drape are arms around each other a lot.

I explained that I've been that way since High School. I played on sports teams, plus serving a mission and just being a touchy person. I like to touch people. I hug people, I put my arm around them. I always have. It's never been a gay thing, that's just me. It's freaking society who says that guys can't express emotion and love towards one another without being gay.

So instead of my sister pulling me aside and asking me about it. She was completely rude and bitchy about it the whole weekend. She went and spoke to everyone about it but me.

Anyways... I digress.

To say the least, I was blind sided completely. My mom proceeded to tell me that my little brother asked her if I was gay as well as other people.

I don't even know how to feel right now. It's like I came home for Christmas and my family was holding this all against me and was waiting for the moment to dump it on me. It's like GMSW's big coming out party to his family.

Kinda at a point right now where I wish I didn't come home.

I thought my family trusted me and my parents were cool with the whole gay thing. Apparently I was wrong.


Wednesday, December 19, 2012

But a small moment...

I had originally thought that this blogpost was going to be about me making a joke about being gay to my parents, which at the time was really funny and it was cool to be able to joke with my parents and have both of them know. But my mind has fallen on heavier matters.

I have never in my life questioned if the Church was true. I've gone through my stages of rebellion, whether that be wearing tight dark pants with a studded belt, vans, and a beanie over dark hair in high school, or shaving my head into a mohawk at BYU to directly defy the honor code. I've always had a knack for doing things for shock value, but it has never been about the Church.

I know the Church is true and always have. I have a mother who would become the next prophet if females held the priesthood. She raised me to know and love the church. I have my complaints and doubts at times but always and unwavering I know it to be true.

I've experienced other churches and dabbled in "other' lifestyles at times, but nothing has brought me happiness and peace as the Church has. That being said, things have been and still are hard.

It's so difficult to want to be intimate with another man, or to want to marry another man and know that that's not God's will. Being gay gives you these inexplainable wells of deep rooted emotion. An aching daily heart is just something that you get used to living with, if at times it is stronger/weaker than others.

One who is not a member of the church may make the suggestion to just forget the church and go live the gay lifestyle. Hell, go marry a man. Why wouldn't you want to be happy?

First of all, let me be the first to say that though I struggle with reconciling my faith and my feelings, I am happy. The majority of my time is spent smiling and laughing. I find joy in this life. It's those moments that come up and I have time to dwell on being alone that I become disheartened.

Marrying and being intimate with a man is not an option. We know that because of the scriptures and modern day prophets. I firmly believe them and know that this was a trial that I was given. It took me a long time to be okay with that, but I do.

I could never marry a man because 1.) Anal sex is dangerous. The rectum is not lubricated like the vagina and you risk tearing that could lead to infection and possibly aids. 2.) Acting out with a man disqualifies me from ever donating blood or plasma ever again. 3.) I would be excommunicated from the Church and any marriage or adoption of Children would be a temporal thing in this life. 4.) Once the Savior came, I would be alone and in a lower kingdom. I would be shut out of heaven. 5.) Our Heavenly Father says it's wrong.

I know that this life is but a moment in the eternal scheme of things. I know that the trials and things that we face are here to give us experience and make us better. I know that I accepted this trial of being gay. I know that I will marry a woman one day, it just might not necessarily be in this life. Most importantly, I know that I am a son of God with eternal potential and worth and that he loves me very much.


Monday, December 17, 2012

Watch Your Back

Don't get me wrong... I think that it's awesome that there is this whole community within the Church of gay guys who blog, as well as North Star. It's awesome that guys like myself don't have to deal with this by ourselves. We can reach out and learn from each other. We can receive messages of hope and know that there are other guys out there going through the same things.

The downfall of it all, it IS the gay community even if it is members of the church. The gay community is freaking dramatic.

Being gay tends to harbor feelings of loneliness, neediness, jealousy, and pettiness. Gay guys are typically more emotional then your average straight guy. Those heavy emotional needs lead to behavior I would compare to those of a teenage girl.

I'm a very private person. When it comes to Facebook, I post pictures and sarcastic status'. There's nothing personal on there. When it comes to people knowing about my life, there are very few that I talk to and even fewer that actually know everything about me. It's not that I don't have a ton of friends. In the vernacular, I would be what one deems as "popular". But of all my friends, maybe one or two do I actually speak to on a deep level.

I've stated several times before, I'm a damn good friend. I go out of my way to go above and beyond for all my friends. Texts, phone calls, Facebook, little things just because. That's what I believe by definition to be a good friend. In doing all that for someone, I expect a friend to reciprocate some of those same things. When they don't, I tend to become disappointed, and I know that.

What really pisses me off is when others use my desire/needs to be a good friend against me. There's no hidden agenda, there's no hidden motive. When I do or say something, it's from my heart. I don't want to compete with other guys for friendships. I also don't want my intentions turned against me.

The gay community just gossips and perpetuates things. Instead of talking to someone about an issue and being sincere, they go around to each other spreading things like a group of high school girls. I'm just over it.

It feels like more often than not there's a lot of people who are unhappy with their own lives, so they use their negative feelings to bring down others. I don't care what other people do with their lives. But when they bring themselves and their negative energy into my life, I'm not okay with it. I expect to live my own life and mind my own business and do the best I can. I wish others would too.


Friday, December 14, 2012

Come Back... Be Here

You said it in a simple way,
4 AM, the second day,
How strange that I don't know you at all.
Stumbled through the long goodbye,
One last kiss, then catch your flight,
Right when I was just about to fall

I told myself don't get attached,
But in my mind I play it back,
Spinning faster than the plane that took you...

And this is when the feeling sinks in,
I don't wanna miss you like this,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
I guess you're in New York today,
I don't wanna need you this way,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.

The delicate beginning rush,
The feeling you can know so much,
Without knowing anything at all.
And now that I can put this down,
If I had known what I'd known now,
I never would have played so nonchalant.

Taxi cabs and busy streets,
That never bring you back to me,
I can't help but wish you took me with you...

And this is when the feeling sinks in,
I don't wanna miss you like this,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
I guess you're in London today,
I don't wanna need you this way,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.

This is falling in love in the cruelest way,
This is falling for you and you are worlds away.

New York... be here.
But you're in London and I break down,
'Cause it's not fair that you're not around.

This is when the feeling sinks in,
I don't wanna miss you like this,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
I guess you're in New York today,
And I don't wanna need you this way,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.

I don't wanna miss you like this.
Come back... be here.
Come back... be here.

Sunday, December 9, 2012


Life often deals you cards that catch you by surprise. I at least seem to always have a specific vision of what I believe my life should be. I am very type A when it comes to planning and organizing. I do it with academics, I do it with my daily schedule, I do it with church, I even do it with friends.

After months of frustration in particular friendships with people, I came to a crossroads. I was done feeling like I wasn't good enough, I was done feeling like just an option, I was done feeling like I was not a priority. I stopped trying in some of friendships I really held dear because I was so tired of feeling hurt. I was so done. I still consider these friends to be dear to me, but they need to realize what they've been doing. They need to take the incentive now, I'm not going to be burned anymore.

To deal with the lack of communication with certain friends. I threw myself that much more into my school work and church things. I was being the perfect home teacher, giving blessings and coming once a month. I would go to the temple. I would truly seek the comfort of the spirit since I felt so alone.

Then life hands me a wild card..

I met a fellow brother fighting the good fight and something happened: we clicked. It's so easy to speak with him, I never want to stop. It sounds super gay but he makes me smile all the time. He genuinely expresses concern and reciprocates things like I've always wanted from a friend. He invests in me and wants me to invest in him. He give me the warm fuzzies. He just makes me feel so good. It feels so wonderful to not only be wanted, but to feel like there is someone out there who is thankful for the friend that you are to them. It feels good to have a healthy emotional connection with another guy. It sounds weird, but I feel like I just want him to know everything about me. I feel I can be one hundred percent open and honest and it's okay. No judgement.