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Showing posts from December, 2012

Dating Anxiety

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So tonight as I was pouring over my iTunes library looking for music that fit my angsty mood, I received a text message from my friend Cassie. She's in Colorado Springs for the break visiting with her parents.

Cassie randomly wanted to know what the name of my hometown was. I told her and asked why. Turns out she was talking to her parents about me. Her parents had seen several pictures of us together on Facebook and thought that we looked good together. I laughed and told Cassie that I had several family members as well as roommates say the same thing. Then Cassie dropped a bomb on me: she thought we looked good together too (and yes in that sense).

I've known Cassie for a about a year now. She's pretty, funny, and hard working. We're good friends in the sense that we hang out a lot. I know a ton about her (from the number of people she's kissed to the mistakes she's made earlier in her life). She doesn't know much about me. She doesn't know anything …

I Knew You Were Trouble

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If you're looking for uplifting post, turn away now. Click back, read some other blog that makes their life seem like a walk in the park or go to LDS.org and read the latest message from the apostles. This post is not going to be happy in the least. You've been warned.

You know that moment in The Dark Knight Rises where Bruce Wayne is in prison and doing sit-ups and the prison doctor says that he is afraid of Bane? Do you remember his response? "I'm not afraid. I'm angry." Yeah that's me right now. Combine that with the bitch Miranda sticking a knife in his side while his back is turned.

Honesty is something that has always been important to me. My dad cheated on my mom. My ex-girlfriend (who I was practically engaged to) cheated on me with at least two other guys while we were dating. I don't trust people easily, but when I do, I trust them with everything. Lose my trust, you're gonna have to work your ass off to earn it back.

One of my charms/c…

Merry Christmas 2012

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It's that time of year again. The year has come to a close and I get to not only reflect on the past year but also on the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

We know the story of a faithful and righteous couple who trusted in God, expressed great faith. An angel appeared to the virgin Mary and told her she would conceive a son. Her son would be the Savior, the literal son of God. Very willingly and at a young age mind you she obeyed. Joseph whom Mary was espoused to, discovered Mary was pregnant and was going to quietly put her way. Then an angel appeared Joseph and told him what Mary had told him was true.

The couple made their way by donkey to the city of Bethlehem to be taxed. There they went inn to inn looking for a place to stay. One inn had no room but found pity in the young couple. He put them up in his stable.

There Jesus Christ, the King of Kings was born. Not in a palace nor place of importance. No, the Savior of the World was born in a stable amongst cows and c…

Emotional Overload

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Have you ever had your life moving along quite nicely and then were completely blindsided by something? I have, multiple times. The most recent was Thursday as I was riding in the car with my Mother on the way to the chiropractor.

A couple months ago I asked my parents if I could order some new shoes and a couple new shirts. They said yes and they gave me their card to pay for it. I order the shoes and then ordered the five shirts that we agreed upon from Express. I got an email from Express saying that one of the shirts was out of stock so they refunded the money and shipped me the other four. One of the four I didn't like and sent it back. So instead of buying two more shirts, I bought three pairs of chinos from American Eagle instead that cost the same as one button-up from Express.

Now my younger sister is a pathological liar and lives a lifestyle contrary to that she was raised. She thinks we don't know what she does, but we do. My parents finally wised up about my siste…

But a small moment...

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I had originally thought that this blogpost was going to be about me making a joke about being gay to my parents, which at the time was really funny and it was cool to be able to joke with my parents and have both of them know. But my mind has fallen on heavier matters.

I have never in my life questioned if the Church was true. I've gone through my stages of rebellion, whether that be wearing tight dark pants with a studded belt, vans, and a beanie over dark hair in high school, or shaving my head into a mohawk at BYU to directly defy the honor code. I've always had a knack for doing things for shock value, but it has never been about the Church.

I know the Church is true and always have. I have a mother who would become the next prophet if females held the priesthood. She raised me to know and love the church. I have my complaints and doubts at times but always and unwavering I know it to be true.

I've experienced other churches and dabbled in "other' lifestyles…

Watch Your Back

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Don't get me wrong... I think that it's awesome that there is this whole community within the Church of gay guys who blog, as well as North Star. It's awesome that guys like myself don't have to deal with this by ourselves. We can reach out and learn from each other. We can receive messages of hope and know that there are other guys out there going through the same things.

The downfall of it all, it IS the gay community even if it is members of the church. The gay community is freaking dramatic.

Being gay tends to harbor feelings of loneliness, neediness, jealousy, and pettiness. Gay guys are typically more emotional then your average straight guy. Those heavy emotional needs lead to behavior I would compare to those of a teenage girl.

I'm a very private person. When it comes to Facebook, I post pictures and sarcastic status'. There's nothing personal on there. When it comes to people knowing about my life, there are very few that I talk to and even fewer …

Come Back... Be Here

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You said it in a simple way,
4 AM, the second day,
How strange that I don't know you at all.
Stumbled through the long goodbye,
One last kiss, then catch your flight,
Right when I was just about to fall

I told myself don't get attached,
But in my mind I play it back,
Spinning faster than the plane that took you...

And this is when the feeling sinks in,
I don't wanna miss you like this,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
I guess you're in New York today,
I don't wanna need you this way,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.

The delicate beginning rush,
The feeling you can know so much,
Without knowing anything at all.
And now that I can put this down,
If I had known what I'd known now,
I never would have played so nonchalant.

Taxi cabs and busy streets,
That never bring you back to me,
I can't help but wish you took me with you...

And this is when the feeling sinks in,
I don't wanna miss you like this,
Come back... be here, come back... be here.
I guess you're …

Elated.

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Life often deals you cards that catch you by surprise. I at least seem to always have a specific vision of what I believe my life should be. I am very type A when it comes to planning and organizing. I do it with academics, I do it with my daily schedule, I do it with church, I even do it with friends.

After months of frustration in particular friendships with people, I came to a crossroads. I was done feeling like I wasn't good enough, I was done feeling like just an option, I was done feeling like I was not a priority. I stopped trying in some of friendships I really held dear because I was so tired of feeling hurt. I was so done. I still consider these friends to be dear to me, but they need to realize what they've been doing. They need to take the incentive now, I'm not going to be burned anymore.
To deal with the lack of communication with certain friends. I threw myself that much more into my school work and church things. I was being the perfect home teacher, givin…