Wednesday, December 19, 2012
But a small moment...
I had originally thought that this blogpost was going to be about me making a joke about being gay to my parents, which at the time was really funny and it was cool to be able to joke with my parents and have both of them know. But my mind has fallen on heavier matters.
I have never in my life questioned if the Church was true. I've gone through my stages of rebellion, whether that be wearing tight dark pants with a studded belt, vans, and a beanie over dark hair in high school, or shaving my head into a mohawk at BYU to directly defy the honor code. I've always had a knack for doing things for shock value, but it has never been about the Church.
I know the Church is true and always have. I have a mother who would become the next prophet if females held the priesthood. She raised me to know and love the church. I have my complaints and doubts at times but always and unwavering I know it to be true.
I've experienced other churches and dabbled in "other' lifestyles at times, but nothing has brought me happiness and peace as the Church has. That being said, things have been and still are hard.
It's so difficult to want to be intimate with another man, or to want to marry another man and know that that's not God's will. Being gay gives you these inexplainable wells of deep rooted emotion. An aching daily heart is just something that you get used to living with, if at times it is stronger/weaker than others.
One who is not a member of the church may make the suggestion to just forget the church and go live the gay lifestyle. Hell, go marry a man. Why wouldn't you want to be happy?
First of all, let me be the first to say that though I struggle with reconciling my faith and my feelings, I am happy. The majority of my time is spent smiling and laughing. I find joy in this life. It's those moments that come up and I have time to dwell on being alone that I become disheartened.
Marrying and being intimate with a man is not an option. We know that because of the scriptures and modern day prophets. I firmly believe them and know that this was a trial that I was given. It took me a long time to be okay with that, but I do.
I could never marry a man because 1.) Anal sex is dangerous. The rectum is not lubricated like the vagina and you risk tearing that could lead to infection and possibly aids. 2.) Acting out with a man disqualifies me from ever donating blood or plasma ever again. 3.) I would be excommunicated from the Church and any marriage or adoption of Children would be a temporal thing in this life. 4.) Once the Savior came, I would be alone and in a lower kingdom. I would be shut out of heaven. 5.) Our Heavenly Father says it's wrong.
I know that this life is but a moment in the eternal scheme of things. I know that the trials and things that we face are here to give us experience and make us better. I know that I accepted this trial of being gay. I know that I will marry a woman one day, it just might not necessarily be in this life. Most importantly, I know that I am a son of God with eternal potential and worth and that he loves me very much.