Saturday, December 29, 2012
So tonight as I was pouring over my iTunes library looking for music that fit my angsty mood, I received a text message from my friend Cassie. She's in Colorado Springs for the break visiting with her parents.
Cassie randomly wanted to know what the name of my hometown was. I told her and asked why. Turns out she was talking to her parents about me. Her parents had seen several pictures of us together on Facebook and thought that we looked good together. I laughed and told Cassie that I had several family members as well as roommates say the same thing. Then Cassie dropped a bomb on me: she thought we looked good together too (and yes in that sense).
I've known Cassie for a about a year now. She's pretty, funny, and hard working. We're good friends in the sense that we hang out a lot. I know a ton about her (from the number of people she's kissed to the mistakes she's made earlier in her life). She doesn't know much about me. She doesn't know anything about me being gay. As far as she's concerned, I'm just a guy who likes to dress well and spends a tedious amount of time on his hair in the morning. She's asked a lot about how I'm doing and usually regardless of what's going on in my life I tell her I'm fine. I've gotten the vibe over the past couple of weeks that she may have feelings for me but I brushed them off as paranoia from Finals.
So... Cassie likes me and is interested in pushing our friendship past friendship. In all honesty I'm freaked. I feel awkward when one on one with most girls. I've been looking for reasons why I couldn't date her when the fact of the matter is I'm afraid. I'm afraid I can't reciprocate her feelings towards me which realistically right now, I really don't think I can.
The thought of being a boyfriend or something like that to a girl gives me severe anxiety. Of course that's what I want in the long run, but right now the thought of making out with let alone kissing a girl feels extremely uncomfortable. I know how to be a good boyfriend; opening the doors, cuddling, cute text messages, flowers, dates, movie nights, holding hands, etc. But I don't know how to be a REAL boyfriend. In other words, I like the idea but not the biggest fan of the execution of it.
I told her that we will go on a date when I get back to school. I figure no harm can come from one date, so we will see what happens.
I'll keep y'all posted.