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Showing posts from January, 2013

Good Things to Come

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I have been so incredibly blessed over the past couple of months. My life has continued to move in a positive direction. I've met obstacles and have overcome them. I've had one or two stalwart people come into my life who have really changed it.

With all the good that has happened, I will still every once in a while express frustration and anger at my Heavenly Father for things that aren't the way I want them to be. Without going into specifics, I've really asked questions about why things have to be a certain way. I often find myself day dreaming about how things could be and then shake myself with sadness that they aren't that way and never will be.

I don't have an answer as to why I experience SSA.

I can't tell you why many good people are diagnosed with cancer every day.

I can't tell you why a young mother loses her little baby girl to a deformity of the heart.

I can't tell you why the Sandy Hook Shooting happened.

Things happen in our lives an…

Haunted

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I spent the holiday weekend with my buddy Brian who doesn't know that I'm gay. We went snowmobiling, watched movies, and ate a ton of junk food.

Brian had gotten two new roommates this semester and they spent the weekend with us having fun and (unfortunately) avoiding homework.

One of the roommates Josh had recently returned home from his mission. The entire time I was there Josh got up early and went to bed early (missionary schedule). He would stay for hours on campus doing homework. He spent his Saturday at the temple. In general he seemed pretty quiet and Peter Priesthoodie.

Sunday night Brian was annoying the hell out of me. He's hyper and immature. I love the kid, but he doesn't know how to take things seriously when he needs to. I needed to do a huge amount of homework, so I went into Josh's room and worked on homework while he was writing in his journal.

At first we exchanged meaningless conversation about music, and then things took a turn.

I told him tha…

Good Conversation

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This semester I'm putting myself through hell by taking the first half of organic chemistry. It is one of the many hoops I have to jump through in order to apply for med school.

I spend countless hours every day working on o-chem homework and getting minimal amounts of sleep. It's only 9:30 am right now and I'm already nodding off.

There's this guy named Tucker who sits by me in o-chem. He's really smart and pretty much understands everything. I on the other hand don't. So he as been very gracious and allow me to work with him on homework every night so that I can understand the class.

A couple of nights ago we were working on o-chem late into the night when the subject of Facebook came up. We both came to the conclusion that we did similar things with it: pictures or things that contain sarcasm or are uplifting.

Tucker made the comment that for a Mormon he is liberal, which surprised me. Tucker has always seemed very clean cut, perfect peter priesthood mormon…

Dating a Kardashian

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Earlier last week I saw over Facebook that one of the girls I home taught had gotten back into town. I then decided that I was going to ask her (Kim) out and headed over to her apartment. I was surprised with my boldness. This girl is beautiful, talented, smart, funny, independent aka way too good for me. Kim literally looks like she could be a long lost Kardashian sister. Why would she want anything to do with GMSW?

I built up the courage and went over and asked her out, more than ready to be turned down. She surprised me because she said yes. We planned on going rock climbing (Friday night). After I went back to my apartment, I suddenly felt no interest in going on a date anymore. It was almost like I wanted to see if I could do it, which once I did I lost interest. I'm not attracted to girls and would much rather spend my time with my buddies.

As the date drew near, I began to dread it. I thought about canceling and using the excuse (though believable) that I was too swamped w…

A Good Middle Ground

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Do you know how you have a good friendship with someone? You know how you know they are a positive influence? They make you want to be better. You are better with them. Because of them you feel the need to try harder, to care more, to judge less. Your relationship is healthy and others notice it.

You know how you know how your friendship is unhealthy? There is constant drama, contention. Everyone else in your life does't approve. You're not happy, though you may claim to be. You succumb to peer pressure and go against things that you've been taught and believe your entire life. 
There is often times in the gay community of the Church the mistaken idea that just because you're gay and someone else is gay, you have to be friends. That is not the case. More often than not, being gay may be the only thing you have in common. You will probably have different interests, different feelings about the Church, and different life paths. 
On the flip side of that, there are a lot…

Some Nights.

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Today (Monday the 7th) I began my first day of my senior year of my undergraduate. I will graduate later this year and move out into the "real" world.  I've been really stoked for school to be back. I like being on a schedule and having things to do despite being completely stressed out of my mind most times.

Since I am a senior, all my classes are upper level and quite smaller than the at times 80-100+ GE courses. Most of my classes have 20 people in them. The cool thing is all my professors will know my name and I will have the opportunity to sit next people more than once and actually develop relationships.

My first class today just rocked me in a way I wasn't expecting. The professor is awesome, the course seems like it will be interesting. But out of the 20+ people in the class, it looks like I'm the only guy that's not married. That being said, I attend a church sponsored university and the fact the I'm not married or even dating is abnormal. There…

Hey GMSW! This is Brother ________ from the Bishopric...

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Friday I was on my way to pick up my roommate from the airport when my phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize. I answered it and it turned out to be the 1st Counselor in the Bishopric. He wanted to meet with me on Sunday (today) during Sunday School. 
A couple of thoughts crossed my mind. I'm in the same Ward as I was in last semester so the Bishopric already knows me pretty well (not about the gay stuff, but just where I'm at spiritually). Since today was the first Sunday of the semester, I figured they were going to give me a calling. 
What scared me is that they don't give out Ward Greeter the first Sunday of the semester. This is when they give out the big callings. I could literally be called to be the new Elders Quorum President, Executive Secretary, Sunday School Teacher. All of these callings call for a lot of time, devotion, and in my opinion serious righteousness and spirituality.
I met with the Bishop and the 1st Counselor. Turns out they want me to…

Begin Again

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It's January 1st, 2013. The ending of one chapter of my life and the beginning of the next. 
Over the course of the past year, I have grown more than any year previous. It has seem some of my highest highs and lowest lows. It has seen my heart broken and scarred, only to be shown new and greater light. 
In 2012:
I made fewer mistakes in regards to my SSA. 
I made progress with acceptance of my sexuality. I am more at peace with myself, being able to meet my needs; healthy physical intimacy, being told I love you. 
I made it through 4 straight semesters of college (with good grades mind you).
My temple attendance has increased. 
I had some of the most incredible, honest people enter my life. Wonderful men that are here by my side through my struggle, who understand and love me just the same.
I started this blog. 
Looking forward to 2013, I have much hope. There is so much to look forward to and experience. It will be once again a year of transition for me:
I have two semesters of …