Some Nights.

Today (Monday the 7th) I began my first day of my senior year of my undergraduate. I will graduate later this year and move out into the "real" world.  I've been really stoked for school to be back. I like being on a schedule and having things to do despite being completely stressed out of my mind most times.

Since I am a senior, all my classes are upper level and quite smaller than the at times 80-100+ GE courses. Most of my classes have 20 people in them. The cool thing is all my professors will know my name and I will have the opportunity to sit next people more than once and actually develop relationships.

My first class today just rocked me in a way I wasn't expecting. The professor is awesome, the course seems like it will be interesting. But out of the 20+ people in the class, it looks like I'm the only guy that's not married. That being said, I attend a church sponsored university and the fact the I'm not married or even dating is abnormal. There is the idea that if you leave this university without getting married not only is there something wrong with you, but there's no hope for you.

I'm hurting so bad. Longing for that eternal companionship. If I could make myself straight I would. I really do try to like girls in the romantic physical sense... but I'm always drawn back to men. I was sitting in another one of my classes between a guy and a girl that I know. The guy is married and I'm not attracted to him at all, but I found myself naturally gravitating towards him and talking to him more than the girl.

It's hard not to feel hopeless. It's so damn hard to not want to just quit somedays over the frustrations that lay in my heart. The deep rooted heart ache that NEVER goes away. It is muffled at times, but it is always there.

I can deal with it most days. I can attend the temple, attend my classes, go home teaching, workout, be surrounded by all my friends who don't know, fake a smile and pretend that I have the greatest life in the world. But at times when I'm alone and the thoughts come back full force and the tears start steaming.

***

In the process of writing this post a couple of things have happened. This semester is my hardest yet and I am getting coursework dumped upon me. I simply have no time. It took me a day or so to come back to this post.

I received an up-lifitnting email from my dear mother. I've included it here:

Dear GMSW,

I hope your first and second day of this semester went well!  I have been praying for you!  I listened to a conference talk today that made me think of you as you had this conversation with me before you went back. 

 Elder Anderson talks about his friend, 

"a friend served....a mission...followed by rigorous academic training.  He hoped to have a family.  His trial of faith: feelings of same-sex attraction.  He wrote me recently: "I am promised in my patriarchal blessing that I will have my own family someday. Whether that will occur in this life or the next, I do not know.  But what I do know is that I don't want to do anything that will jeopardize the blessings God has promised both me and my future posterity....Living the law of chastity is a challenge, but did we not come to earth to confront challenges and to show our love and respect for Him by keeping His commandments?  I am blessed with good health, the gospel, a loving family, and loyal friends.  I am grateful for my many blessings."  Elder Anderson goes on, "The world protests, how can you ask so much?  The Lord responds: "my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways....for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."  "This follower of Christ and tens of thousands like him have felt the Savior's promise: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Love you son and pray daily for you to understand the things you are studying and for you to feel the Lord's love for you!

Love, MOM

This email was very appreciated. Though my mom has tried to understand what is happening with me, she still struggles a lot. This Christmas break was particularly difficult for our relationship. I felt hurt and distrusted, I wanted to be away from my family.

In addition to my email from my mother, I had a very tender experience with my roommate. We caught his girlfriend cheating on him and he took it pretty hard. He came into my room where I was relaxing on my bed. I asked him what was up and he asked if he could join me on the bed. He laid down next to me, turned on his side, wrapped his arms around me and started sobbing into my chest. He caught me so off guard. He's a super manly man and while he was crying he kept apologizing for tears. It was a special moment for me because I realized that not only did he trust me, but he knew that I was there for him and could understand him emotionally. This... a blessing of being gay.

I know this post has been all over the place, but my point here is that I have my good days, I have my bad days. Some days I am completely happy and optimistic about the future. Other days I feel hopeless and like I want to die or hurt myself.

No matter what though, I am extremely blessed. I have a Savior who is there for me unconditionally. Who knows what I'm going through because he has gone through it, he alone atoned for my earthly experience. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me so much and pours out blessings upon me continually. I have a dysfunctional, non-traditional, but wonderful family. They do love me though we can fight and have our times of discontent. I have wonderful friends who love and support me; including the world's greatest best friend. I seriously don't know how I lucked out with him. 

Cheers,

GMSW