Today (Monday the 7th) I began my first day of my senior year of my undergraduate. I will graduate later this year and move out into the "real" world. I've been really stoked for school to be back. I like being on a schedule and having things to do despite being completely stressed out of my mind most times.
Since I am a senior, all my classes are upper level and quite smaller than the at times 80-100+ GE courses. Most of my classes have 20 people in them. The cool thing is all my professors will know my name and I will have the opportunity to sit next people more than once and actually develop relationships.
My first class today just rocked me in a way I wasn't expecting. The professor is awesome, the course seems like it will be interesting. But out of the 20+ people in the class, it looks like I'm the only guy that's not married. That being said, I attend a church sponsored university and the fact the I'm not married or even dating is abnormal. There is the idea that if you leave this university without getting married not only is there something wrong with you, but there's no hope for you.
I'm hurting so bad. Longing for that eternal companionship. If I could make myself straight I would. I really do try to like girls in the romantic physical sense... but I'm always drawn back to men. I was sitting in another one of my classes between a guy and a girl that I know. The guy is married and I'm not attracted to him at all, but I found myself naturally gravitating towards him and talking to him more than the girl.
It's hard not to feel hopeless. It's so damn hard to not want to just quit somedays over the frustrations that lay in my heart. The deep rooted heart ache that NEVER goes away. It is muffled at times, but it is always there.
I can deal with it most days. I can attend the temple, attend my classes, go home teaching, workout, be surrounded by all my friends who don't know, fake a smile and pretend that I have the greatest life in the world. But at times when I'm alone and the thoughts come back full force and the tears start steaming.
In the process of writing this post a couple of things have happened. This semester is my hardest yet and I am getting coursework dumped upon me. I simply have no time. It took me a day or so to come back to this post.
I received an up-lifitnting email from my dear mother. I've included it here: