Monday, January 14, 2013

Dating a Kardashian


Earlier last week I saw over Facebook that one of the girls I home taught had gotten back into town. I then decided that I was going to ask her (Kim) out and headed over to her apartment. I was surprised with my boldness. This girl is beautiful, talented, smart, funny, independent aka way too good for me. Kim literally looks like she could be a long lost Kardashian sister. Why would she want anything to do with GMSW?

I built up the courage and went over and asked her out, more than ready to be turned down. She surprised me because she said yes. We planned on going rock climbing (Friday night). After I went back to my apartment, I suddenly felt no interest in going on a date anymore. It was almost like I wanted to see if I could do it, which once I did I lost interest. I'm not attracted to girls and would much rather spend my time with my buddies.

As the date drew near, I began to dread it. I thought about canceling and using the excuse (though believable) that I was too swamped with school.

Friday came and I picked Kim up. I feared the car ride was going to be a load of awkwardness... it wasn't. We listened to some music in the car and it was super chill. It was easy enough to talk to her, for Kim being a girl. We got to the gym and it was packed, so we left and grabbed hot chocolate instead.

We went back to my apartment and spent time alone talking. Then we watched a movie together with two other couples (who were cuddling the whole time while we were sitting next to each other). I confess I felt super uncomfortable being so close to a girl. I wanted nothing more than to text and talk to my (guy) friends.

Overall the date went alright I thought. I took her home and while I was getting ready for bed, I received a text message from her. Kim told me that she had a great time and she wanted to know if it would be weird if she asked me out on a date. I told her no. So we made plans to have dinner together Saturday night.

Saturday arrived and we had to cancel because Kim was sick.

Sunday morning Kim wasn't at church. So I went over to do my monthly home teaching and check up on her. I shared the message I had prepared and then she broke some news to me: Her father was dying of cancer and she was flying home the next morning to California to be with him until he passed.

I was completely blindsided. I guess my face showed it too. She told me I was completely emotionless. It's not that I had expected us to go anywhere, I mean the date was pretty good but I still have the whole gay thing to deal with. I thought that of course this had to happen to me. Of course I would go on a date with a girl and then she would move away.

She asked me to come over later that night and so I did. We spent a good majority of the evening packing and sitting on the couch across from each other holding each other's hands. We talked a lot about each other. I told her in all honesty I was caught off guard by how much I had enjoyed our time together and was still trying to figure out how I felt. I told her everything about her that made her attractive and that it sucked she was leaving, but she was going where she needed to be.

She told me she was always attracted to my looks and how I dressed, but she didn't realize that I had this emotional side to me (hahahaha). She thought I was always hard and cool acting. I told her it was a defense mechanism to protect me from being hurt, I'm a real tender bear when you get to know me.

One thing that bothered me is that she took away my phone. She said I was with her, and it was rude. It rubbed me the wrong way.

While we were talking about everything, she kept commenting on how I was so nervous and shaking. Which I was because I out of my element and uncomfortable.

Oh, get this: Her mother is a lesbian. So Kim already has feelings and knowledge about the gay world. Weird huh?

I got up to leave because it was getting late. We hugged and then hugged again. I could tell she wanted me to kiss her. I did, but on the forehead because I didn't want her to feel taken advantage of or like she was doing something driven by emotion.

She texted me after I left and said that she wanted to kiss me.

Which is where we arrive to now. I took her to the bus stop a little while ago. As we were waiting for the bus, she kept commenting on how it felt like a breakup. She said she wanted to keep in contact via Skype, texting, phone calls, Facebook, etc (which was all a little overwhelming for me coming from a girl). Then... we kissed. I felt nothing. No heavens opening, no fireworks, nothing.

As I sit here and type my thoughts, she is texting me flirting with me and saying she already misses me. This is where I feel awful. It was so easy for me to say goodbye. I was pretty indifferent for me. If I were saying goodbye to my best friend or one of my buddies I would be an emotional wreak. But here I am getting annoyed with all the communication as I attempt to write a blogpost and work on organic chem homework.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to drag her along. I also don't know how I feel about her. If I like it or not. I know I still am super attracted to guys and connect with them on every level better than women. There is a huge emotional connection lacking between Kim and I. But I love the way she makes me feel.

What to do what to do?

Cheers,
GMSW




4 comments:

  1. It seems that you do know how you feel. You feel indifferent and don't like her. You like the idea of having someone who likes you. This relationship is already completely onesided and you would be forever miserable in it. She needs a shoulder to cry on, but you are annoyed by her clinginess. Being clingy is only annoying if you are not interested otherwise it is an amazing connection. This same situation happened to me with a guy, I'm a lesbian. I realized it wasn't going to work out when I was hiding in my room when he came over and all I really wanted to do was be with the girl I was in love with. Just be you.

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  2. I've never been in either side of this situation, but just recently a friend of mine was. She ended up being kinda pissed with him because it felt like he was using her.

    So are you using this girl? If so, stop. If you're really interested in pursuing a relationship with her, then tell her you're gay and see what happens.

    . . . is my advice.

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  3. I agree with lesbianonymous and Matt. I recently told one of my gal pals that I was gay and while she reacted with love, I could tell she wished she'd known sooner. She was really attracted to me and felt as though I was attracted to her, which impression I made on her by being reckless with my feelings. If I'd made sure my actions matched my emotions, then all we'd have is a great friendship, but because I acted like I had emotions that were't there, she was hurt and our friendship has taken a slight downturn.

    If you have feelings of any sort for her, then go for it! Just don't let your actions write checks that your emotions can't cash.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you gay-nonymous for your comments. Especially that quote at the end. It certainly had a profound affect on me.

      -GMSW

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