Friday, July 18, 2014

From The Other Side

I found out about GMSW through a mutual friend. Our friend was the one who first found the blog and told me about it. I read it and could not hold back my tears. All the pain my best friend had gone through and I had NO idea. It was something that ate at me constantly. I could not believe all the things he had gone through and the worst thing was that he had to keep it to himself because nobody knew about him and wouldn’t understand. It broke my heart. After reading it I realized that it didn’t bother me at all. GMSW was still the exact same person. I still loved him with all my heart and wanted to let him know that I had no issue with this.

About a month into our last semester at college I confronted GMSW and told him that I knew about his secret. Little did I know… he already knew that. During our conversation I could not contain my tears. I felt as if I was crying for him. I let out all my emotions that night. I told him that I felt so bad for not being able to help him through his hard times. I couldn’t imagine going through that alone. I’m so glad that I was able to talk to GMSW about this because it was a weight lifted off my shoulders and because of this, GMSW and I became closer than we have ever been. Knowing about this has truly opened my eyes to view his side. I am now very careful with how loosely I use certain words. I do not fully understand the struggles he faces every day because I have never had to deal with them. Instead of reacting negatively, the way most people do, I lift him up. I let him know that there are people out there with kind hearts willing to still love him for his imperfections regardless of what they may be.

GMSW has always been a strong person. He has always held his own and never allowed others to see him struggle. This is one of the many things I admire about him. He had to live with this secret because others around him were “homophobes”. It was so sad to see the reaction from people that were against same sex attractions. People made it seem as if gay people were a different species. They aren’t! They just have a different lifestyle. GMSW never belittled anyone or made them feel bad for the way they felt. I remember times when I needed him the most he would drop everything he was doing to come comfort me in any way that he could. That right there ladies and gentlemen is an act of love and charity. I will NEVER forget that about him.

He is still the exact same person to me. It truly made us closer. I love GMSW with all my heart. He is and will forever be one of my best friends. Another thing I love so much is the fact that he fights those tendencies as hard as he can. Gay or not, he has a tender heart and feels the exact same way we do. He has feelings just like you and I and who are we to judge? It’s just like the parable of the adulterer. Everyone wanted to stone her because of the sin she commitment. Christ said to the crowd, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Not a single person was able to cast their stone. We are NOBODY to place judgment. Our job is to love another and nothing more or less than that.


Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Silence

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Not a day goes by that it isn't killing me inside. 

You taught me what real true love was. I've never been able to love or be loved by someone like I did when I was with you. 

Your face still haunts me. I can hear your voice, damn I miss your voice. I still see us close together, feeling the warmth of your body, your wonderful hugs, dancing around the dark kitchen, your incredible smile. The happiness and excitement I always felt receiving your texts or talking to you on the phone. 

I'm still not over you and I honestly don't know if I ever will be. I've tried to replace you, but I just ended up hurting people because I'm still stuck on you. 

I love you. 

You lift me up and knock me down,
I'm never sure just what to feel when you're around,
I speak my heart but don't know why,
'Cause you don't never really say what's on you mind.

It's like I'm walking on broken glass,
I wanna know but I don't wanna ask.

So say you love me or say you'll leave me,
Don't let the silence do the talking,
Just say you want me or you don't need me,
Don't let the silence do the talking.

You let me in but then sometimes,
Your empty eyes just make me feel so cold inside,
When I'm with you, it's like rolling dice,
Don't know where or how you're gonna make me cry.

So say you love me or say you'll leave me,
Don't let the silence do the talking,
Just say you want me or you don't need me,
Don't let the silence do the talking.

It's killing me, the silence,
It's killing me, the silence,
The silence.

It's like I'm walking on broken glass,
If this is the end then please just make it fast.

So say you love me or say you'll leave me,
Don't let the silence do the talking,
Just say you want me or you don't need me,
Don't let the silence do the talking.

The silence, the silence, the silence,
The silence, the silence, the silence,
You lift me up and knock me down,
I'm never sure just what to feel when you're around.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

I'm sure your heart breaks when some people still say...

Friday morning as I was getting ready for my morning classes, my roommate Scott called me into his room. He was working on a discussion board for his online religion class. 

Scott: "Dude I'm on here gay bashing!"

Me: (exasperated) "Dude..."

Scott: "Not really. But read what I wrote."

(I had him email me a copy)

"People aren't naturally gay. They are naturally straight. It's mind boggling that people actually believe that. It's your lustful desires that actually make you believe that you are feeling attracted to the same sex. God has clearly stated that marriage is for man and woman. Men are attracted to women and I know I've had temptations for them as well. Women have temptations to be with men, and it's true that the desire people have to be gay are also in that same category of sin: that they are attracted and lusting after something that they want. This is not what they were forced to have, these 'natural' feelings as this 'gay' guy says or any other gay person. I'm not bashing on them but clearly stating the obvious. Anyone is a fool to believe you were made to be someone other than who god created you to be and you were not created to be 'gay.' I'm only being bold and honest. Think about it a little please. 

Elder Maxwell gave a talk entitled 'According to the Desire of Our Hearts' and this quote is perfect for the situation on how we will be judged. 'Desire denotes a real longing or craving. Hence righteous desires are much more than passive preferences or fleeting feelings. Of course our genes, circumstances, and environments matter very much, and they shape us significantly. Yet there remains an inner zone in which we are sovereign, unless we abdicate. In this zone lies the essence of our individuality and our personal accountability.'

The Environment shapes people, it's true, but we will be judged upon the desire of our heart. If our desire is to do something contrary to god then it's simple, you will be judged by him and only him (strait or gay). So for me to summarize, do what you want with your life. I accept everyone and all people for what they believe. I find good in everyone. I will not tolerate people coming up with random excuses to sin. It is ridiculous."

I was earth shattered. My heart ached and I felt myself shift to being upset and sad. Scott doesn't know about me. And since I was literally leaving for class in ten minutes, then was not the time to out myself or have a political debate about his post.

I spent the day allowing my thoughts to process. What he said was so ignorant, so bigoted, so hurtful. Believe me, I didn't choose this. I would have never chose this. It was given to me. The way Scott feels about girls, is the way I feel about men. He doesn't understand that though. What he said wasn't correct reguarding the Church's doctrine. The Church has no official statement on what they believe does or doesn't cause people to experince SSA. 

I called my mom later that day after my classes were finished. She empathized with me. She was upset. She wants me to speak with him and show him In her words "how will people change if they aren't ever taught anything different?" 

This is just the latest facet of the inner turmoil that I'm experiencing right now. My friend Walker uses offensive words such as "gay" and "fag" to describe things all the time. His roommates do too. They continually bash gay people. I sat in their apartment and listened to it for 20 minutes and never felt so awkard and upset before in my life. 

The topic of homosexuality comes up almost every day here at school. It's usually a loaded discussion and quite honestly I'm really sick of it. I'm split on the issue obviously being a gay man in the Church. I feel as if the majority of people I'm surrounded by are so ignorant and aggressive on the topic. None of these Church members are actually practicing charity. Christ would never behave this way.

Watching the Grammys was torture. Macklemore's performance of Same Love upset me so much. Half of me was waiting for the Savior to smite down the entire building with lightening. The other half of me was longing to marry a man that I could call mine and spend the rest of my life with. 

I need to speak with Scott and with Walker eventually. 

But as of right now, I'm exhausted.

I'm sure your heart breaks,
When some people still say, 
Somewhere down the line you lost your faith. 
How much can one heart take?


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Thinking All Love Ever Does Is Break And Burn And End...

At the beginning of each school year growing up, I would receive a father's blessing. When I got to high school and my dad left the church, it changed to being given from one of my Young Men's leaders or my Bishop. Now that I'm in college (almost done actually!), I have close friends give me my blessings.

I hadn't gotten around to getting a blessing yet this semester because I kept forgetting, and then my friend who was supposed to give it to me kept flaking out. I felt like really needed to get one, with my class load being so heavy and being in the process of graduating and applying for Med School.

I decided to ask my friend Rast. Rast showed up early in the morning before school and gave me a blessing. In the blessing it talked about the expectations given to me by myself and by others. I was told to forget them and to focus on each of my classes, one assignment at a time, specifically focusing on larger assignments. I was instructed to concentrate on now instead of the future (Med School). I was also told to make new friends as well as continue my friendships. As I improve in these areas of my life, other areas will improve as well.

I told my mother while I was home for Christmas that I was over being nice to people and trying to make friends. I'd had my heart broken 8 months ago and have never really recovered from that. I'm still in the healing process. I've had a lot of people that I thought were my friends hurt me and screw me over, and just lose interest in me. I've been cheated on and backstabbed. I've cried more tears than I knew was physically possible.

I've told myself to turn off emotions, friends, and just focus on school, my family, and the dog I will get one day.

Then something happened. I met this kid in one of my classes. His name is Walker. And other than having freaking amazing hair, and being really attractive (he's straight), he's genuine and super nice. I started talking to him because he had a really nice watch.

We talked about our exercise routines. I expressed that I was bored with the gym and wanted to switch things up (I had just gotten Insanity a while ago but had never used it). He said he just started Insanity. So we decided to start doing Insanity together. The first time we worked out together, he took off his shirt (you're killing me bro) because he got too hot.

Insanity six days a week plus our classes together, has led to Walker and I spending a lot of time together. We've started having real conversations about things which has been cool, because it has allowed me to see him as a person, and not an object. And the more I get to know as a person, the more that I like and respect him.

This weekend I planned a double date with two girls I'm friends with and Walker. The girls left to go grab some things from their apartment while Walker and I stayed to do dishes.

Walker: "Can I ask you a question?"

Me: "Sure."

Walker: "Why have you been so nice to me and inviting me to do things? It's really cool and I appreciate it. We haven't known each other that long, it's just rare for people to do that, especially guys."

I explained to Walker about my blessing and how the majority of my friends are now gone or married and I'm lacking. I saw thought he was cool and saw him as a person worth investing in.

After the double date, everyone had left and I texted Walker to see if he had had a good time. He told me he had a lot of fun. We chatted a little bit more, and then he had to go, but before he did he told me "Love you bro." My body felt warm and tingly. His words resonated in my heart. I hadn't initiated the "Love you bro," he had. He made sure to give me a hug when he first came to my apartment and then again right before he left.

For the first time in months I felt genuinely, innocently happy. I was having my needs met. I had a solid, good-influence guy express emotion and love towards me, and it sure as hell felt awesome.

I've been so emotionally turned off these past couple of months, I didn't realized what I was missing. I do feel that Walker is an answer to part of the blessing that Rast gave me.