Friday, July 18, 2014

From The Other Side


I found out about GMSW through a mutual friend. Our friend was the one who first found the blog and told me about it. I read it and could not hold back my tears. All the pain my best friend had gone through and I had NO idea. It was something that ate at me constantly. I could not believe all the things he had gone through and the worst thing was that he had to keep it to himself because nobody knew about him and wouldn’t understand. It broke my heart. After reading it I realized that it didn’t bother me at all. GMSW was still the exact same person. I still loved him with all my heart and wanted to let him know that I had no issue with this.

About a month into our last semester at college I confronted GMSW and told him that I knew about his secret. Little did I know… he already knew that. During our conversation I could not contain my tears. I felt as if I was crying for him. I let out all my emotions that night. I told him that I felt so bad for not being able to help him through his hard times. I couldn’t imagine going through that alone. I’m so glad that I was able to talk to GMSW about this because it was a weight lifted off my shoulders and because of this, GMSW and I became closer than we have ever been. Knowing about this has truly opened my eyes to view his side. I am now very careful with how loosely I use certain words. I do not fully understand the struggles he faces every day because I have never had to deal with them. Instead of reacting negatively, the way most people do, I lift him up. I let him know that there are people out there with kind hearts willing to still love him for his imperfections regardless of what they may be.

GMSW has always been a strong person. He has always held his own and never allowed others to see him struggle. This is one of the many things I admire about him. He had to live with this secret because others around him were “homophobes”. It was so sad to see the reaction from people that were against same sex attractions. People made it seem as if gay people were a different species. They aren’t! They just have a different lifestyle. GMSW never belittled anyone or made them feel bad for the way they felt. I remember times when I needed him the most he would drop everything he was doing to come comfort me in any way that he could. That right there ladies and gentlemen is an act of love and charity. I will NEVER forget that about him.

He is still the exact same person to me. It truly made us closer. I love GMSW with all my heart. He is and will forever be one of my best friends. Another thing I love so much is the fact that he fights those tendencies as hard as he can. Gay or not, he has a tender heart and feels the exact same way we do. He has feelings just like you and I and who are we to judge? It’s just like the parable of the adulterer. Everyone wanted to stone her because of the sin she commitment. Christ said to the crowd, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Not a single person was able to cast their stone. We are NOBODY to place judgment. Our job is to love another and nothing more or less than that.

Besos,
Michelle

Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Silence


Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Not a day goes by that it isn't killing me inside. 

You taught me what real true love was. I've never been able to love or be loved by someone like I did when I was with you. 

Your face still haunts me. I can hear your voice, damn I miss your voice. I still see us close together, feeling the warmth of your body, your wonderful hugs, dancing around the dark kitchen, your incredible smile. The happiness and excitement I always felt receiving your texts or talking to you on the phone. 

I'm still not over you and I honestly don't know if I ever will be. I've tried to replace you, but I just ended up hurting people because I'm still stuck on you. 

I love you. 

You lift me up and knock me down,
I'm never sure just what to feel when you're around,
I speak my heart but don't know why,
'Cause you don't never really say what's on you mind.

It's like I'm walking on broken glass,
I wanna know but I don't wanna ask.

So say you love me or say you'll leave me,
Don't let the silence do the talking,
Just say you want me or you don't need me,
Don't let the silence do the talking.

You let me in but then sometimes,
Your empty eyes just make me feel so cold inside,
When I'm with you, it's like rolling dice,
Don't know where or how you're gonna make me cry.

So say you love me or say you'll leave me,
Don't let the silence do the talking,
Just say you want me or you don't need me,
Don't let the silence do the talking.

It's killing me, the silence,
It's killing me, the silence,
The silence.

It's like I'm walking on broken glass,
If this is the end then please just make it fast.

So say you love me or say you'll leave me,
Don't let the silence do the talking,
Just say you want me or you don't need me,
Don't let the silence do the talking.

The silence, the silence, the silence,
The silence, the silence, the silence,
You lift me up and knock me down,
I'm never sure just what to feel when you're around.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

I'm sure your heart breaks when some people still say...


Friday morning as I was getting ready for my morning classes, my roommate Scott called me into his room. He was working on a discussion board for his online religion class. 

Scott: "Dude I'm on here gay bashing!"

Me: (exasperated) "Dude..."

Scott: "Not really. But read what I wrote."

(I had him email me a copy)

"People aren't naturally gay. They are naturally straight. It's mind boggling that people actually believe that. It's your lustful desires that actually make you believe that you are feeling attracted to the same sex. God has clearly stated that marriage is for man and woman. Men are attracted to women and I know I've had temptations for them as well. Women have temptations to be with men, and it's true that the desire people have to be gay are also in that same category of sin: that they are attracted and lusting after something that they want. This is not what they were forced to have, these 'natural' feelings as this 'gay' guy says or any other gay person. I'm not bashing on them but clearly stating the obvious. Anyone is a fool to believe you were made to be someone other than who god created you to be and you were not created to be 'gay.' I'm only being bold and honest. Think about it a little please. 

Elder Maxwell gave a talk entitled 'According to the Desire of Our Hearts' and this quote is perfect for the situation on how we will be judged. 'Desire denotes a real longing or craving. Hence righteous desires are much more than passive preferences or fleeting feelings. Of course our genes, circumstances, and environments matter very much, and they shape us significantly. Yet there remains an inner zone in which we are sovereign, unless we abdicate. In this zone lies the essence of our individuality and our personal accountability.'

The Environment shapes people, it's true, but we will be judged upon the desire of our heart. If our desire is to do something contrary to god then it's simple, you will be judged by him and only him (strait or gay). So for me to summarize, do what you want with your life. I accept everyone and all people for what they believe. I find good in everyone. I will not tolerate people coming up with random excuses to sin. It is ridiculous."

I was earth shattered. My heart ached and I felt myself shift to being upset and sad. Scott doesn't know about me. And since I was literally leaving for class in ten minutes, then was not the time to out myself or have a political debate about his post.

I spent the day allowing my thoughts to process. What he said was so ignorant, so bigoted, so hurtful. Believe me, I didn't choose this. I would have never chose this. It was given to me. The way Scott feels about girls, is the way I feel about men. He doesn't understand that though. What he said wasn't correct reguarding the Church's doctrine. The Church has no official statement on what they believe does or doesn't cause people to experince SSA. 

I called my mom later that day after my classes were finished. She empathized with me. She was upset. She wants me to speak with him and show him mormonsandgays.org. In her words "how will people change if they aren't ever taught anything different?" 

This is just the latest facet of the inner turmoil that I'm experiencing right now. My friend Walker uses offensive words such as "gay" and "fag" to describe things all the time. His roommates do too. They continually bash gay people. I sat in their apartment and listened to it for 20 minutes and never felt so awkard and upset before in my life. 

The topic of homosexuality comes up almost every day here at school. It's usually a loaded discussion and quite honestly I'm really sick of it. I'm split on the issue obviously being a gay man in the Church. I feel as if the majority of people I'm surrounded by are so ignorant and aggressive on the topic. None of these Church members are actually practicing charity. Christ would never behave this way.

Watching the Grammys was torture. Macklemore's performance of Same Love upset me so much. Half of me was waiting for the Savior to smite down the entire building with lightening. The other half of me was longing to marry a man that I could call mine and spend the rest of my life with. 

I need to speak with Scott and with Walker eventually. 

But as of right now, I'm exhausted.

I'm sure your heart breaks,
When some people still say, 
Somewhere down the line you lost your faith. 
How much can one heart take?

Cheers,
GMSW 



Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Thinking All Love Ever Does Is Break And Burn And End...


At the beginning of each school year growing up, I would receive a father's blessing. When I got to high school and my dad left the church, it changed to being given from one of my Young Men's leaders or my Bishop. Now that I'm in college (almost done actually!), I have close friends give me my blessings.

I hadn't gotten around to getting a blessing yet this semester because I kept forgetting, and then my friend who was supposed to give it to me kept flaking out. I felt like really needed to get one, with my class load being so heavy and being in the process of graduating and applying for Med School.

I decided to ask my friend Rast. Rast showed up early in the morning before school and gave me a blessing. In the blessing it talked about the expectations given to me by myself and by others. I was told to forget them and to focus on each of my classes, one assignment at a time, specifically focusing on larger assignments. I was instructed to concentrate on now instead of the future (Med School). I was also told to make new friends as well as continue my friendships. As I improve in these areas of my life, other areas will improve as well.

I told my mother while I was home for Christmas that I was over being nice to people and trying to make friends. I'd had my heart broken 8 months ago and have never really recovered from that. I'm still in the healing process. I've had a lot of people that I thought were my friends hurt me and screw me over, and just lose interest in me. I've been cheated on and backstabbed. I've cried more tears than I knew was physically possible.

I've told myself to turn off emotions, friends, and just focus on school, my family, and the dog I will get one day.

Then something happened. I met this kid in one of my classes. His name is Walker. And other than having freaking amazing hair, and being really attractive (he's straight), he's genuine and super nice. I started talking to him because he had a really nice watch.

We talked about our exercise routines. I expressed that I was bored with the gym and wanted to switch things up (I had just gotten Insanity a while ago but had never used it). He said he just started Insanity. So we decided to start doing Insanity together. The first time we worked out together, he took off his shirt (you're killing me bro) because he got too hot.

Insanity six days a week plus our classes together, has led to Walker and I spending a lot of time together. We've started having real conversations about things which has been cool, because it has allowed me to see him as a person, and not an object. And the more I get to know as a person, the more that I like and respect him.

This weekend I planned a double date with two girls I'm friends with and Walker. The girls left to go grab some things from their apartment while Walker and I stayed to do dishes.

Walker: "Can I ask you a question?"

Me: "Sure."

Walker: "Why have you been so nice to me and inviting me to do things? It's really cool and I appreciate it. We haven't known each other that long, it's just rare for people to do that, especially guys."

I explained to Walker about my blessing and how the majority of my friends are now gone or married and I'm lacking. I saw thought he was cool and saw him as a person worth investing in.

After the double date, everyone had left and I texted Walker to see if he had had a good time. He told me he had a lot of fun. We chatted a little bit more, and then he had to go, but before he did he told me "Love you bro." My body felt warm and tingly. His words resonated in my heart. I hadn't initiated the "Love you bro," he had. He made sure to give me a hug when he first came to my apartment and then again right before he left.

For the first time in months I felt genuinely, innocently happy. I was having my needs met. I had a solid, good-influence guy express emotion and love towards me, and it sure as hell felt awesome.

I've been so emotionally turned off these past couple of months, I didn't realized what I was missing. I do feel that Walker is an answer to part of the blessing that Rast gave me.

#blessed.

Cheers,
GMSW

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The Cold Never Bothered Me Anyway


I just received a $2,500 MacBook Pro with Retina Display for Christmas. I graduate in April from college with my Bachelors Degree. My parents are building a huge gorgeous half-million+ dollar house that I will be able to call home and you know what? I'm still not happy. I'm tired. So very tired.

I'm tired of a father who desperately needs medication but refuses it. I'm tired of being on the receiving end of his tirades of anger.

I'm tired of a mother who always seems to be able to pick out all the things I do wrong in my life.

I'm tired of siblings who still treat me like a child, and don't appreciate or respect what I have to contribute. I'm tired of having them tell me I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to health and fitness (it's just my major right?).

I'm tired of being betrayed by ones that I used to call my friends. Is it really that hard to remain faithful to someone?

I'm tired of people having their own opinions and ideas of me before they've even met me.

I'm tired of having my education on the line because of a Big Brother acting administration that threaten your schooling with your Church conduct.

I'm tired of being single. I used to be able to answer clearly about what I wanted, but I can't anymore. I'm so lonely, and so just over it.

I'm supposed to graduate in April and then move back in with my parents while I study for the MCAT. I'm not so sure I want to do that anymore. It used to sound so inviting with the thought of free room and board in a huge house. But I don't want to be micromanaged or yelled at anymore. I also don't have any friends here.

I will not stay near school. I'm so over that environment. I've thought of moving closer to Salt Lake, but that would make me alone and I know I would get depressed and lonely.

I've thought of California and Washington but have come to similar conclusions.

I just want to live my life happily and fulfilled without fighting, without drama. Without others interjecting. I just want to go to Med School and be successful. I want the Church a part of my life, but I also want to be able to have a boyfriend and be able to introduce him as that and it's not a big deal.


The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I'm the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in; Heaven knows I tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back any more
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
the cold never bothered me anyway

It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I'm free!

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back any more
Let it go, let it go
Turn my back and slam the door
And here I stand
And here I'll stay
the cold never bothered me anyway

Standing frozen
In the life I've chosen
You wont find me
The past is in the past
Buried in the snow

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back any more
Let it go, let it go
Turn my back and slam the door
And here I stand
And here I'll stay
in the light of day
The cold never bothered me anyway

Sunday, November 24, 2013

ROAR


In my last post I shared an email that I wrote to my siblings where I outed myself. It was literally days before I would be boarding a plane for my sister's wedding. It was the first time my entire family would be together in 5 years.

After I pushed send, I felt a huge weight lifted from my chest. I felt I could breathe and relax. Like I was no longer hiding anything.

Lyn called me literally 10 minutes after I had sent the email. She and her (now) husband were on the phone. She wanted me to know that what I had told them didn't change anything. They were surprised, but they loved me just the same. They said they didn't hold any judgement towards me, they actually held more respect for having the courage to tell the whole family and then choose to stay in the Church. Lyn also asked me about my heartbreak and how I deal with that.

My sister Lindsay who had up to then been texting me about a friend of ours who had decided to leave the Church and lead a gay lifestyle. She would always use words like "queer, fag, disgusting". I think my email shook her. She sent me a single text that said "I love you". 

My older brother James never said anything about it to me, though in his defense his wife just miscarried twins. And it's the only time that they've been able to get pregnant since they've been married. My mother did say though that he was indifferent about it.

My little brother Joseph (he's only 18) sent me a message letting me know that he loved me and to stay strong. My mother told me later though that he actually had a hard time with it for the rest of the day. He was hurting because his older brother had to go through this. He wouldn't talk to my parents about it, he just kept to himself.

My sister Ashtyn sent me a wonderful email back that got me to shed a tear or two:

"I love you GMSW! I know you are scared about judgement, but I am holding my little boy on my chest and thinking of my love for him and mom and dad's love for you. We all struggle, everyone has trials. The most important thing is not giving up. You could have given up and been done with the church so many times, it would have been easier that way you know. But you keep fighting and that says a lot about who you are. Satan always attacks the strongest, he does not attack the weak because he knows they will attack themselves. I was thinking today about Eva. The church is either true and I will see her again or it's not; It's true. It's worth the fight. We all have demons to fight, but it's worth the fight. I love you, my little family loves you, and I feel to tell you Eva loves you and watches over you. Time for me to try to sleep before Jared wakes up again. See you soon, and so excited to see you! Keep fighting cuz you got the eye of the tiger and we're gonna hear you roar! Sorry, I don't know Taylor Swift lyrics so the choices was the one Katy Perry song I know or The Wheels On The Bus. The people on the bus go up and down did not work as well. I love you! It will be alright in the end, trust God and in good things to come."

I feel so overwhelmingly grateful for my wonderful siblings. Their reactions could not have been better. Things have changed between us, but in a good way. The weekend was short, but the time spent together was wonderful. Their was no tension, no fighting, just the usual stresses of a wedding. We all wanted to spend as much time as possible with each other. I was able to play with all my nieces and nephews. They were as sweet as anything.

My siblings kept pouring on me love. My little brother Joseph saw that I was still the same brother he knew before I told him I was gay. We shared a suite together and had a lot of fun.

It was really hard to say goodbye to my family. But what wonderful loving, healing weekend.

So blessed.

Cheers,
GMSW


Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Coming Out: A Family Affair


An email I recently sent to all my siblings:

My dearest family,

This email has been a long time coming. I've felt strongly prompted to write this out for a while now. 

I apologize in advance Lyn for writing this right before your wedding, I don't want this to take the focus off of you. It just felt like an appropriate time since it's the first time all six of have been together since Ashtyn's wedding. With the trials our whole family has gone through, I can't help but feel the necessity to be honest and genuine with my siblings especially with the limited time that we get to see each other, plus how fragile we have come to find life is over the past couple of years.

I'm gay, which Ashtyn and Benjamin I'm sure have already figured out a long time ago. Some people call it same sex attracted, same gender attracted, etc. A lot of people including Mom don't like to call it gay because it makes it sound like one is actively pursuing the lifestyle. To me it all means the same thing. I like men. So I say gay because it's easier and to me doesn't make it sound like I have some disease or disorder, or like I'm ashamed of that part of me. I'm not, though I used to be. 

How did I end up this way? That's debatable and highly controversial with a lot of people. Mental illness is a common thread with guys that have SSA tendencies. Another common thread is daddy issues which we are all aware of. My therapist knows that dad is a good father but he said between him and I, that "your father kind of screwed you up". I'm way past the blame game in this whole thing. I don't blame dad for anything in my life and haven't since I was 18. He's taught me how to give and how to work hard, which I'm really grateful for. 

When mom told dad about me, the very first thing he said was "I hope I didn't contribute to this." He immediately felt guilt, which honestly made me emotional. It's not his fault, it's not anyone's fault. 

No matter how complicated and crazy our lives were growing up, mom made sure we always had family nights, family prayers and scripture study. We attended church every Sunday as well as mutual during the week.

Growing up in the Church, I always did what was expected of me. I fulfilled my priesthood duties and priesthood callings. I served in leadership positions and continued to stay proactive and involved with the church as I grew.

Academically, I was a straight A student. I was involved in music, sports, and leadership.

I worked part time during school and had a group of friends that I would go out to lunch with and hang out with on the weekends.

On the outside my life seemed fairly ideal, but inside there was this inner struggle that tore me apart constantly. I found myself attracted to other men. I had this desire to be close with them and intimate in the way most other men feel about women.

Most of my adolescence I would tell myself that these feelings would go away as I progressed in the Gospel. I continued on my journey through the church, and with each ordination, calling, experience, I waited for the feelings to disappear.

Do y'all remember Suzanne? My first girlfriend, my first kiss. I told her I loved her; we talked about the future and our dreams. We even planned to get married. Deep inside, I felt a part of me was lying to her because I felt I didn’t love her with my whole heart. We would kiss and I would feel awkward and unfulfilled. 

It wasn't until my first semester up at school when I was studying the Proclamation on The Family for my religion class that I truly figured out what was up with me. I decided to read a book entitled "In Quiet Desperation" by Ty Mansfield in order to "better understand" homosexuality and being mormon. Upon completion of the book, I realized: I was gay. 

This was June 2011. Mom figured it out and told dad around this time. We had a confrontation (over the phone) and some words were exchanged that weren't exactly christlike. I had an emotional breakdown. I spent most days crying and feeling detached from the world. I felt I had no future. I felt I was an abomination in the eyes of God. I felt unloved, I wanted to kill myself. 

How could God have done this to me? I had served a mission worthily, I had received the priesthood and gone through the temple? Shouldn't that mean a girl would just walk I into my life and we would get married, have 6 kids, and live happily ever after? 

I spent many restless nights tossing and turning, feeling at a loss of what to do. I felt like a sinner because I had this attraction. Largely because terms such as "gay" and "fag" are so loosely tossed around as negative connotations in the Church and even in our family. The Church is perfect but the people in it are not. And there have been some many ignorant and hurtful things said by people in the church about gay people that are not true.

My boss last semester after DOMA was overthrown said "Gays aren't allowed to go to the temple, and even if they are they shouldn't want to because if what they are doing." I asked her if she was talking about those actively living the lifestyle of people in the Church who were active but experienced it. Her response "There's no difference." I wanted to punch her in the face. How dare she insinuate my trial was too great for the Savior's atonement? How dare she imply my eternal worth was not enough for the temple? 

Despite what misinformed people may say the Church firmly believes that same-gender attraction (involving no action) is a personal struggle and not a sin, while homosexuality (which requires action), is a sin. Faithful and worthy members of the Church who do not act on their struggle with same-gender attraction can still have a calling in the Church, hold the priesthood (if they are a male), and go to the temple

I recall the words from Elder Holland’s talk on Missionary Work and the Atonement. “You will have occasion to ask those questions. I have thought about this a great deal. I offer this as my personal feeling. I am convinced that missionary work is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy. We are The Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head. How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for Him? It seems to me that missionaries and mission leaders have to spend at least a few moments in Gethsemane. Missionaries and mission leaders have to take at least a step or two toward the summit of Calvary”. I would like to take Elder Holland’s words and apply them not only to same gender attraction, but also to any trial that we experience in this life. It is necessary for us to experience trials and temptations in this life. Our Heavenly Father wants us to be like him, and in order for that to happen, we need experience what he did. Trials, suffering, temptations are necessary for eternal progression.

The first step I took was joining a support group for men that deal with same gender attraction that upheld Church values and beliefs. This allowed me to meet other men who like myself had this attraction but were determined to live in harmony with the Church. It also gave me the opportunity to voice my struggles and receive support without judgment.

The support group acted as a double-edged sword. For me it seemed that the more I tried to live the Gospel, the more Satan attempted to force me off the path. He would tempt me to act out on my attractions (something I had never done at that point) given me false reasons and excuses such as ‘you will never get married anyways’ or ‘you will be alone forever”.

I've made the mistake of acting out on some of my attractions. I felt awful. I was not happy. I was miserable and felt like I was worthless.

I decided it was time to get professional help. I decided to speak privately with my Bishop. I was going to inform him of my attraction and confessed how I had acted out on some of my attractions. I had never been so scared to talk to someone before in my life. I feared my Bishop would look at me in disgust and would not understand.

To my complete surprise, my Bishop did not only understand, but poured out his heart to me. He wanted to help me. He told me some very important things. Things that Satan tries to make me forget. I am first and foremost a Son of God. That is my divine worth. That does not change. No matter what choices I make. Being gay had allowed my relationship with Christ and my Heavenly Father to become tangible and real. My love and appreciation for the atonement has grown, as well as my ability to express charity to those around me and the trials they go through. Being gay makes me more sensitive to things, and emotional, I can relate to things where most other guys can't. Who cares if I like Britney Spears and Taylor Swift? Who cares that I like clothes and  taking good care of myself. Who cares if I don't like sports? This is not what my worth is built upon. 

“Over and over again, the Lord assures us of our worth and value to him. In D&C 18:10–11, he admonishes us to “remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God; “For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him. 

Our eternal worth is given to us by God; it cannot be manipulated or decreased by anyone. Of course, if we are not living the commandments, we may lose sight of our divine worth and potential. Nevertheless, each soul’s inherent worth is always great in the sight of our loving Heavenly Father. I think that is imperative to know! Worthlessness is not an option for anyone."

As a missionary, I had taught continually of our divine worth, our potential as children of God, and the Lord’s infinite atonement. I allowed the clever bands of the adversary to wrap himself around me and tell me lies. I lost sight of who I was. I had allowed the adversary to make me believe that the atonement was not sufficient enough for me and this attraction that I suffered from. This is a lie. I think we as imperfect human beings with limited capacity to comprehend, don’t appreciated the atonement for what it truly is. The atonement does infinitely more than washing away our sins. The atonement has the power to heal, to give us power, to make our hearts whole again. The atonement has no beginning, it has no end. It was and is the single greatest act of love ever performed. Our Savior gave us the power to overcome our trials and our weakness if we choose to take advantage of his gift. At times we forget this, I know I have.

My journey with being gay is far from over. I love the Church and know that it's true, but I still have my good days and my bad days. I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father promise me this is a trial and that I will have my own family one day, and yet I have also felt true romantic love for another man. Knowing though it could never happen. Can you imagine that? Loving someone through and through, feeling so right? But knowing you can never be with them? It's a hard pill to swallow, and has left me with a lot of sleepless nights and Taylor Swift songs on repeat. Reconciling faith & feelings is not easy, but it is possible because of my Savior.

From you my wonderful siblings, I ask for your patience, understanding, and non-judgement. The thing I need the most is love, even if you don't understand my trial, knowing that it doesn't change how you feel about makes a world of difference. 

Also, I ask that this remain in the family, if you would like to tell  your spouses, that is fine. Please just respect that this is my journey, my trial to share when I'm ready with others. 

Love always,
GMSW