Thursday, February 28, 2013

And It Came To Pass...


And it came to pass... a simple phrase used a ton in the scriptures. In the Bible it is used 452 times and in the Book of Mormon it is used 1424 times. I know growing up I had read it so much, it just turned into something that was at the beginning of sentence while reading the scriptures just as a period falls at the end of a sentence.There is a much greater meaning to this five worded phrase.

As I have contemplated my life the past couple of weeks and those close around me, I have watched trials enter into all of our lives of varying degrees. Some trials have come because of choices that one has made, while others have entered simply because it's life and shit happens.

A scripture in particular comes to mind: 1 Nephi 16:18 "And it came to pass that as I, Nephi went forth to slay food, behold, I did break my bow, which was made of fine steel; and after I did break my bow, behold, my brethren were angry with me because of the loss of my bow, for we did not obtain food."

Nephi's bow broke not because he was a sinner or because he had made a wrong choice. It happened because it was supposed to: "sometimes in life, THE BOW JUST BREAKS." It was a trial/experience that he was supposed to go through, even though it was really hard. His brothers condemned him. His mother and even his father (a prophet of God mind you) murmured against God. Nephi had every right to complain, mourn and feel like giving up. BUT the difference is, he didn't. He put his faith in God and put his "shoulder to the wheel." He constructed a new bow out of wood and found food for his family.

Nephi is an excellent example of bad things happening to a good person. He experience what he did and did not turn his back on God. Instead he drew closer to God and moved forward.

The phrase came to pass for me is actually a promise from God. Hard times will come. Hard times filled with sorrow, pain, heartache, loss, anxiety, anger, frustration, etc. They will come, but then THEY WILL pass. These experiences are a chance to prove our character and exercise our faith. They come for us to grow and learn and then they pass so the next one will come along.

Embrace life, come what may and love it.

Cheers,
GMSW


Sunday, February 17, 2013

Stronger Than Yesterday


This past week was one of the most emotional weeks of my life. All in all though, it ended on a positive note. I went to the temple on Saturday morning to do initiatories. I wanted to find peace and know where Heavenly Father wanted me go and what he wanted me to do. I also went praying to be able to heal from the pain and truly forgive those who contributed to it.

The reason I did initatories was due to a blessing I got the night my world fell apart. I was encouraged to go to the temple and do them. It was my first time doing initatories since I did my own before my mission. I realized I had forgotten so much. My feeling though during them, mind you during the complete duration of being in the temple was of my Heavenly Father embracing me and just saying "peace my son, breathe."

I was able to come out of the temple and speak to my best friend on the phone and work through some things. The conversation though hard at certain points was raw and needed. Tears were shed, uncertainty about each other's paths were discussed. But greater love, appreciation and friendship was shown. He's my best friend and at the end of the day, that's what matters. We all make mistakes and I'm by his side no matter what.

Unexpectedly last night I spent an hour speaking with my roommate. I was leaving to head to the campus library and work on homework for the rest of the night when he appeared in my doorway and asked how I was doing. He knew that I had had a terrible week, though he didn't know specifically why. I told him I was doing a lot better, but still struggling a bit. I could tell something was upsetting him so I told him to come in and talk to me. It turns out he had a really hard week as well. He messed up with a girl (not terribly bad, but still not good). He kept beating himself up over it because he felt like he was falling back into his old ways before his mission. He then confessed to me that he attends a support group for porn and masturbation addiction. He also told me how he has some real self esteem issues. He was crying the whole time (mind you he doesn't cry). We had never had this type of discussion before. I told him that more than anything, he needs to forgive himself. He needs to apply the cleansing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ and he needs to stop guilt tripping himself about past mistakes. I relayed experiences in my own life without going into too much detail. I know that my roommate struggles with emotional issues. So I told him that he has emotional needs that aren't being met. He agreed. He doesn't talk to anyone about his issues, so I told him that at least once a week, more if he needs it, him and I will have companionship inventory like on a mission. He will tell me what's going on, allow himself to cry and register those emotions that he's been avoiding.

After our discussion he told me thank you and told me what an incredible friend I was. He told me that I'm the most loyal friend that he's ever seen. He thinks it's so cool how I give everything to my friends and that I care so much about them. He says he can see the love I have for them and he felt blessed to have me as a roommate and friend.

After such a crummy week, it was great to end on such a high note. To feel that my life was at peace again and I was able to focus outside myself and help others, that which truly makes me happy.

Cheers,
GMSW

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Regression


I'm 23 and yet the past 48 hours have made me feel like I'm 18 again. It's like I'm a freshmen in college. All the progress the past 5 almost 6 years seems to be all just a sham I've convinced myself of. I convinced myself I had a handle on my mental illness (OCD, depression, anxiety).

The false face of this has all come crashing down.

In the past 48 hours I have cried more than I knew to be physically possible. I'm not that difficult to read, my emotions are usually on my sleeve, and not that I ask for or want attention for it, people can usually tell when something is wrong. My roommates have watched me come in and out of the apartment with puffy tear filled eyes for the past two days. They haven't seen or watched me cry, so as I lay here sobbing at 5 in the morning as sleep escapes me, I'd like to keep it that way.

I've been hurt by friends more times than I could count. Everyone makes mistakes, including myself. But I seem to have a knack for attracting people who know how to hurt me the deepest (whether they mean it or not).

Without going into complete detail for I fear I might break my computer with the waterworks, I want to explain myself.

My best friend did something I never thought he would; He lied to me and it wasn't a superficial lie. He lied to me about something pretty huge. He made some mistakes, as we all do. But he did so and rocked me to my very core. When he originally called to tell me, I was overcome with emotion. I sobbed through the night till exhaustion won over and I fell asleep. I shook violently, I couldn't stand up straight, it was hard to breath, impossible to see straight... This was the person who was everything in the world to me. This is my best friend. His Frodo to my Sam. He is supposed to be the best man at my wedding... How could he do this? Why did he do this? 

Suicide crossed my mind, I wanted to end the intensity of the pain I was feeling. I didn't want to hurt so bad. Seriously contemplating suicide hadn't happened to me since my freshmen year of college, before I was diagnosed with depression, and before I was on anti-depressants.

During classes yesterday, I found myself unable to focus. I kept replaying what he told me over and over again in my mind. I couldn't turn it off even if I wanted to. Each time it went through my mind was like a fresh stab to the heart. I heard nothing in my classes and instead cried in them silently.

I'm going to go speak to my advisor this morning and drop one of my classes citing medical reasons. This event with my best friend was the tipping point on an already stressful, sleep deprived, lonely, extremely loaded semester. I haven't dropped a class in college since my very first semester when I was diagnosed with depression.

I feel like a failure. I feel so weak. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel confusion.

My heart is torn apart, pieces shattered on the ground.

If anyone asks,I'll tell them we both just moved onWhen people all stareI'll pretend that I don't hear them talkWhenever I see you,I'll swallow my prideand bite my tonguePretend I'm okay with it allAct like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?Can I open my eyes?Is this as hard as it gets?Is this what it feels like to really cry?Cry
If anyone asks,I'll tell them we just grew apartYeah what do I careIf they believe me or notWhenever I feelYour memory is breaking my heartI'll pretend I'm okay with it allAct like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?Can I open my eyes?Is this as hard as it gets?Is this what it feels like to really cry?Cry
I'm talking in circlesI'm lying, they know itWhy won't this just all go away
Is it over yet?Can I open my eyes?Is this as hard as it gets?Is this what it feels like to really cry?CryCry

GMSW

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Change Your Mind



It's been a while since I've written... So this post is gonna be just thoughts and catching up. I apologize for the sporadicness...

A couple days ago I was sitting in the front room of my apartment with my roommates. We glanced out the window and discovered our apartment building was surrounded by cop cars and police tape. No one knew what was going on. There was no ambulance, and what looked like a Bishopric in suits showed up and walked passed our apartment. While we were sitting there debating about what was going on, our doorbell rung and we opened it. A group of men with a full body bag had accidently hit it on their way down the stairs.

I knew immediately what had happened; someone had committed suicide. I recognized the situation from seeing it countless times growing up with my older brother. He had attempted to commit suicide more than once and thankfully had never been successful with it.

Over the next couple of days, details came about the incident. The guy who had committed suicide lived in the apartment above mine. He had shot himself in the head. His roommates found him, hence no ambulance. They knew he was dead when they found him.

The guy left a note about why he did it. He said he was sick of people calling him gay, sick of being called chubby and he had been having problems with a girl.
            
Hearing all of this broke my heart and shook me up. It was tragic to think of someone feeling so alone, like things we’re so terrible that the only way to get out was to take your own life.
           
When I found out he committed suicide, my first thought was maybe he had been gay. Then thoughts crossed my mind about bullying. I know that I joke around a lot with people and like to have fun. I could never live with myself though if my bullying unknowingly led someone to do something so tragic.

***
In addition to this, Kim’s roommate sent me a text over the weekend to let me know that Kim had a boyfriend down in California. It sucked to hear that, not that I was really into her, but it gave me an easy way out of a relationship I felt uncomfortable with. Kim shot me a text during the super bowl and said, “I miss you!” I texted her back and said I was confused that she was telling me she missed me when she had a boyfriend. She denied it and tried to play it off but when I didn’t respond, she tried calling me and I ignored her. Her roommates talked to me later that night and told me that she had had this boyfriend since Christmas and had been semi-dating me at the same time. I mean we kissed, cuddled, and had expressed feelings towards one another. So all that sucked. Just trying to get over that. 

***

I’m in a weird place right now. I got a wonderful calling that I feel the spirit in; that people tell me they’re able to get something from it. I’ve got wonderful roommates that I love. For the most part I’m surviving in my classes. I went a whole month without looking at porn or jacking off. Screwed up this morning but I don’t really feel bad about it. I made it a month. Overall, I’m pretty happy I guess. My biggest thing is that I watch all these wonderful people in my life that I care so much for. I give and give and give and that’s fine. And for once I have wonderful friends who do the same thing for me. It’s still hard to just feel alone. I can fix other’s problems; I can be there for them. But at the end of the day, I feel alone. I have that feeling that everyone has someone, and I’m alone. I know I can’t make people care or want to talk to me or spend time with me, but I wish I could.


Last night my date (a girl) cancelled on me. I was feeling so alone and upset with everything. I got one of my migraines that completely renders me useless. I was aching, I was hurt, and any thought or sight of another person with their significant other cut me like a knife. 



It got to midnight and I still wasn't asleep and feeling really sick. So I texted my roommate to come give me a blessing. I didn't say anything to him other than I needed a blessing of healing. The interesting thing... the blessing said nothing at all about healing. The blessing first talked about the importance of being worthy. It then talked about the temptations and things that I'm experience right now have a purpose. My Heavenly Father loves me and know's that I'm doing right now. It brought me some comfort to know that the wants/desires of my hearts (strong, powerful, and realistic at this point), have a purpose other than just make me want to cry and hurt. 



***

When you wake up wanting me
And you can’t go back to sleep
Change your mind


When your weak and alone
And you’re reaching for the phone
Change your mind

Keep on going ’till you’re gone
Even when you think it’s wrong
When you look back in regret
The moment that you left

Change your mind
Baby don’t come back this time
Don’t wanna have to say goodbye, all over again
So if you think there’s still a chance to make it right
And I’m the only one you want tonight
Change your mind
Change your mind

In the early morning haze
When my kiss is all you crave
Let it go
Cause I don’t wanna do that dance
The push and pull, the second chance
I already know, yea I know

You’ll just promise me forever
And then you’ll take it back, just like that
Saying you can’t live with out me
Then you’ll…

Change your mind
So baby don’t come back this time
Don’t wanna have to say goodbye, all over again
So if you think there’s still a chance to make it right
Change your mind


Cause I don’t wanna have to say goodbye, all over again
So if you think there’s still a chance to make it right
And I’m the only one, the one you want tonight
Change your mind
Change your mind
Change your mind

Cheers,
GMSW