Consecration

All I do is school. I live in the library, and am on campus all day every day just to do shitty on exams like I did tonight. Completely bombed my physics exam... again. Studied my ass of for it.

It's like I work so hard and have nothing to show for it.

Exhausted and stressed all the time, and when I get free time, it's like all I want to do is sleep.

What I wouldn't give to truly fall in love with a girl (be attracted to her enough to fall in love) and then marry her. To have someone to come home to at the end of these awful days.

I've shed a lot of tears myself lately, just feeling like I'm working towards my goal of med school with no one to share it with but a dog.

These were thoughts I was having as I returned home late tonight from another 12 plus hour day on campus. I expressed my frustrations to a wonderful friend who replied with something quite incredible that really lifted me:


"She's out there. And she's probably looking in the mirror on nights like tonight wondering where you are and thinking, "He's missing it. He's missing my life. Where is he?" I thought that for years. She's out there. I know she is. Can't you feel it? I could. When I was quiet, I knew there was someone--I just didn't know who or where or when. And I think love and marriage and sexual satisfaction in that relationship have little to do with natural orientation and much more to do with true charity, the bond you have with another human, and the connection of your two souls. She's out there doing her thing wishing she could share her life with you already. I mean, hey, maybe she's not a member and the Lord is working with her, bringing her slowly to that point so that she will someday embrace the gospel and you and think, 'What did I ever see in Maggie Gyllenhall's geeky brother?' It could happen. In all seriousness, though, when you're really still and listen, don't you feel that the Lord's plan for you includes a wife and children? I can totally see that for you. I see you totally happy in the future with new stresses and worries but this time with a wife and kids. And seriously, GMSW, med school and residency suck for you and your wife. I've watched it firsthand with two siblings and many friends. The least you can do is spare your wife undergrad and prereqs. So just focus on you and getting through this phase and think of it as consecration, 'I'm doing this for you, honey, so that you don't have to carry this stress with me, so that when we meet and start having children, there will be that fewer years that my children will have to have a daddy (and possibly a mommy) who work all the time to get us to a better, more stable future.'"

My dear friend's words struck me like a wave from the ocean. I was overwhelmed with the spirit as I felt it testify of the truthfulness of her words wash over me. My heart became full, my throat choked up, and with tears in my eyes I could visualize my future beautiful family. 

At times it sucks to be gay and mormon. It really does. But there are times like this, where you know it is worth it, that you feel the love of your Heavenly Father and realize just how completely blessed you are. 

Cheers,
GMSW