Showing posts from October, 2012

Spiritual 2x4's

This past Sunday was the first awesome Sunday I've had in a really long time. I've really felt like I was in a rut spiritually and just didn't know what to do about it.

I helped teach Mission Prep for my ward and was able to share experiences from my mission of people I found and baptized. I shared pictures from when I first met them and then their baptismal date.The spirit was so intense and made me feel so blessed to have been a small part of bringing those people to the fold.

I then gave a talk in sacrament meeting on the Priesthood. I hate giving talks. I feel like I am rubbish at getting my thoughts across and I am never able to quite convey what I want to. I have always said that I'd much rather sing that speak, which is exactly what I did at my mission farewell.

I used Elder Uchtdorff's The Joy of the Priesthood as the basis for my talk. My talk actually turned out to be one of the better talks that I have ever given. I was able to take up the complete time …


For the first time in a long time, I am really happy.

I just got back from the most amazing weekend. My buddy and I to spent the weekend with my family. My parents had flown in to spend time with their grandkids. I was able to spend so much time with my friend which I haven't been able to do in such a long time. I usually only get to see him for short periods of time. But this weekend, it was just him and I. I didn't have to share him or compete with others for him. It meant the world to me that he set aside the weekend for my family and I.

In addition to that, he got along really well with my family. First thing he did when he met my mother was hug her. Then when we got ready to leave to head back to school, he hugged both my mom AND my dad. My family was so kind to my friend. They really loved him. There were no awkward moments or pauses. Everything just felt so relaxed and right. What makes this all so significant is that my parents know that both my buddy and I are gay.



I'm currently enrolled in a Preparation for Eternal Marriage class at the Church sponsored University I attend. The majority of the class is those who are you guessed it, engaged and then those who soon will be engaged. Then there's me, GMSW. Most definitely and certainly single.

At the beginning of every class for the first twenty minutes my professor has engaged couples go up and tell their story. They show pictures, stories, when they knew they loved each other, why they loved each other and how they got engaged. 
I can usually handle these okay. I like to see the pictures and see these two people so truly in love with each other. For one reason or another though, today's couple who presented really shook me up. For one thing, they were both beautiful. They loved each other so much! All I could feel the whole time was a growing pit of misery and sadness as the thought kept screaming in my mind "I can't help but feel that I will never get to do that." I fe…

Me, cool? Huh? When did that happen?

It's funny how one person can say something to you and it means nothing, then another can say the same thing and it means the world to you. I'm always going off on how I feel lonely and don't feel like people love or appreciate me, I haven't felt that way the past couple of days that's for sure.

My roommate was supposed to go with me and some friends to a movie. He bailed to go hang out with this girl that he really likes. I was a little irritated but more disappointed. When I got home from the movie, he came into my room like a dog with a tail in between his legs. He told me he felt awful for what he did. He regretted it as soon as he left. He said the rest of the night he felt like crying and that he was afraid he had damaged our friendship. It really upset him because in his own words "I want to be you best friend". It was a very flattering gesture and did move me. I felt loved that's for sure. I forgave him immediately. I would do anything for ot…

You Belong With Me

I'm tired. I'm tired of working my ass of for our friendship. I'm tired of saving your ass with school. Always bailing you out because you procrastinate and go have fun instead of being responsible. I'm sorry you feel like we're not really friends, but I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to want to do something with me. You're always with your brain dead girlfriend. I don't want to be just an unappreciated homework source for you. I'm sorry. I have more dignity than that.
And to you, I don't know what else to do for our friendship. I've worked really hard to show you that I care. To show you that I'm genuine and want a real friendship with you, but you can't seem to reciprocate. It's always when it's convenient for you. I'm sick of always being the one to text you and asking you about how you're doing. I wish you would just give me the time of day.
And to you, you hurt me. You and I are the same person. We w…

Homeboy is feeling lonely tonight...

Let me preface this with the statement that I fully believe in and support The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am an active member (though far from perfect), I do want to follow the teachings of modern day prophets and do what is necessary for me to reach exaltation.

Last night I went to a movie with some friends called Pitch Perfect. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. It's a bit crude but I was laughing the entire time. Rebel Wilson is hilarious. Think of the movie has Mean Girls + Glee and a dash of Bridesmaids.

The main character of the movie is Beca. She is a sort of rebel, whose a bit cynical and feels out of place. She meets this guy Jesse who treats her like gold. He really cares about her and is there for her when no one else in the movie was. She kept pushing him away but he continued to love her. In the end they end up together, and I admit that I developed a crush on Jesse.

As I was driving home from the movie, I just kept thinking about …


Today in my religion class we talked about the law of chastity and its significance. First of all we discussed why we were given standards. Standards are important for security and consistency. One can simply look around at the current state of the world and see the result of the disintegration of standards. Something for me that was worthwhile noting is that the law of chastity is the same for gay people as it is for straight people. The Lord has the same consequences set in place for those who violate this law.

My religion teacher relayed the story of David. The same David who slew the giant Philistine Goliath. David was a great man. But because of his choices (he committed murder), he at best can hope for the telestial kingdom.

David shirked his duties and instead of going to war with his men he stayed home. It is worth noting that we are tempted the most when we are alone, where we would do things by ourselves that we never would in front of others. David ignored his duties and S…

What goes around comes around...

Karma... you are a beautiful thing. I don't want to sound prideful or mean, but it makes me happy to know that no one can run from consequences, that bad people will have their comeuppance whether that be sooner or later.

There was this guy Mac who reached out to me when I first came out on North Star. We started communicating and it was really nice. It was completely healthy and strictly a friendship. Given I was really needy and needed someone there for me in dealing with all this. Mac told me he had been through a lot and made plenty of mistakes. He had been kicked out of a church sponsored school twice for acting out.

We would text and occasionally talk on the phone. I made some mistakes over this period of time. It made me lose all trust in gay men, especially in the church. So I decided to remove any traces of them from my life. I deleted Mac from my Facebook and from my phone contacts.

I returned to school and ran into a mutual friend of Mac and I. I had been struggling an…