Monday, October 29, 2012
This past Sunday was the first awesome Sunday I've had in a really long time. I've really felt like I was in a rut spiritually and just didn't know what to do about it.
I helped teach Mission Prep for my ward and was able to share experiences from my mission of people I found and baptized. I shared pictures from when I first met them and then their baptismal date.The spirit was so intense and made me feel so blessed to have been a small part of bringing those people to the fold.
I then gave a talk in sacrament meeting on the Priesthood. I hate giving talks. I feel like I am rubbish at getting my thoughts across and I am never able to quite convey what I want to. I have always said that I'd much rather sing that speak, which is exactly what I did at my mission farewell.
I used Elder Uchtdorff's The Joy of the Priesthood as the basis for my talk. My talk actually turned out to be one of the better talks that I have ever given. I was able to take up the complete time allotted to me as well as use both scriptures, personal experiences, and words from modern day prophets to support me.
The part that stuck out to me was:
Monday, October 22, 2012
For the first time in a long time, I am really happy.
I just got back from the most amazing weekend. My buddy and I to spent the weekend with my family. My parents had flown in to spend time with their grandkids. I was able to spend so much time with my friend which I haven't been able to do in such a long time. I usually only get to see him for short periods of time. But this weekend, it was just him and I. I didn't have to share him or compete with others for him. It meant the world to me that he set aside the weekend for my family and I.
In addition to that, he got along really well with my family. First thing he did when he met my mother was hug her. Then when we got ready to leave to head back to school, he hugged both my mom AND my dad. My family was so kind to my friend. They really loved him. There were no awkward moments or pauses. Everything just felt so relaxed and right. What makes this all so significant is that my parents know that both my buddy and I are gay.
If only it was that easy with everyone.
I'm so thankful for this weekend! I'm so thankful for a wonderful friend. I am thankful for the greatest parents in the world. I am thankful for all those wonderful people in my life who love and accept me for who I am.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
At the beginning of every class for the first twenty minutes my professor has engaged couples go up and tell their story. They show pictures, stories, when they knew they loved each other, why they loved each other and how they got engaged.
I can usually handle these okay. I like to see the pictures and see these two people so truly in love with each other. For one reason or another though, today's couple who presented really shook me up. For one thing, they were both beautiful. They loved each other so much! All I could feel the whole time was a growing pit of misery and sadness as the thought kept screaming in my mind "I can't help but feel that I will never get to do that." I feel like I will never find a wife to marry. That no one will want to marry me.
I've tried dating more this semester than ever before. Dating girls! As much as I try to force myself, a girl doesn't do anything for me. I'm simply not attracted to them. I like boys. I am gay. Through and through. Add being a member of the Church and knowing its true, knowing that homosexuality is wrong leads to feelings of constant sadness, and guilt.
At the end of the presentation I was in silent tears. Longing for an eternal companion. Then my professor started his lesson. We spent a good twenty minutes talking about the evils of pornography and masturbation. So I got kicked in the balls again... I'm not perfect, I do struggle with porn and masturbation just as any other guy - gay or straight. I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't do it. During the whole class I just felt like shit because we were being railed about it.
A small part of me feels like it isn't fair. I'm gay and can't be with a guy. I will have to be celibate for the rest of my life, God couldn't just let me have one thing? Why can't I just have masturbation? I know that's completely selfish and incorrect but right now I don't give a damn.
I'm tired of being single, being the eternal wingman to the most attractive guys in a group of people. I'm tired of pretending like it doesn't hurt when I'm crying inside all the time.
Honestly, who gives a rat's ass about me? Would it really matter if I was gone? Would people even notice? Or would it be healthier for the the LDS population to have a sinner such as I removed from their midst?
Thursday, October 11, 2012
It's funny how one person can say something to you and it means nothing, then another can say the same thing and it means the world to you. I'm always going off on how I feel lonely and don't feel like people love or appreciate me, I haven't felt that way the past couple of days that's for sure.
My roommate was supposed to go with me and some friends to a movie. He bailed to go hang out with this girl that he really likes. I was a little irritated but more disappointed. When I got home from the movie, he came into my room like a dog with a tail in between his legs. He told me he felt awful for what he did. He regretted it as soon as he left. He said the rest of the night he felt like crying and that he was afraid he had damaged our friendship. It really upset him because in his own words "I want to be you best friend". It was a very flattering gesture and did move me. I felt loved that's for sure. I forgave him immediately. I would do anything for other people in my life to say that to me, I love my roommate and his friendship, but him telling me that had me going "oh that's nice of you".
In addition to this. My roommate and his friend have been inviting me to do everything. They check up on me to make sure I'm okay. They have told me now several times that "I'm really cool". If anything, it makes me blush because I do not feel cool whatsoever. I feel weird and quirky.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
I'm tired. I'm tired of working my ass of for our friendship. I'm tired of saving your ass with school. Always bailing you out because you procrastinate and go have fun instead of being responsible. I'm sorry you feel like we're not really friends, but I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to want to do something with me. You're always with your brain dead girlfriend. I don't want to be just an unappreciated homework source for you. I'm sorry. I have more dignity than that.
And to you, I don't know what else to do for our friendship. I've worked really hard to show you that I care. To show you that I'm genuine and want a real friendship with you, but you can't seem to reciprocate. It's always when it's convenient for you. I'm sick of always being the one to text you and asking you about how you're doing. I wish you would just give me the time of day.
And to you, you hurt me. You and I are the same person. We work so hard to move the world for people and they never show us the same courtesy. I have gone out of my way to be the best friend possible to you, but I always came behind others. You always cared more about them even though they treated you like shit. You stopped texting me, calling, really being my friend for whatever reason. Now you're gone for a while and have for the most part stop talking to me all together.
Last but not least, to you. Until I met you, I never knew I could love someone so much. I never knew someone could make me so happy. I know that we are just friends and that's fine with me. But at times I let my thoughts get away from me and I dream about a life together. How it could actually work and I could actually be happy. But I know that it's not the Lord's plan and I'm fine with that. But I can't help wishing that I meant more to you, like others seem to. You are the world to me. I do anything and everything for you. You're always on my mind. You smile, I smile. But I feel like a third even fourth tier. I know you still love him. I know you talk to him all the time, I know you text him all the time. I know you want to be with him all the time. I know if you had to choose it would be him over me. I'll admit that I'm insanely jealous. But also hurt because I wish I meant that much to you. That you wanted to text me all the time and talk to me all the time, spend time with me. Not that you would have to, just the thought that you would want to.
Love is blind, so you couldn't see me.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Last night I went to a movie with some friends called Pitch Perfect. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. It's a bit crude but I was laughing the entire time. Rebel Wilson is hilarious. Think of the movie has Mean Girls + Glee and a dash of Bridesmaids.
The main character of the movie is Beca. She is a sort of rebel, whose a bit cynical and feels out of place. She meets this guy Jesse who treats her like gold. He really cares about her and is there for her when no one else in the movie was. She kept pushing him away but he continued to love her. In the end they end up together, and I admit that I developed a crush on Jesse.
As I was driving home from the movie, I just kept thinking about how I wanted that special someone in my life. That relationship that the person cares about you unconditionally and always wants what's best for you. The problem is, I like boys and have no interest in having a relationship with a girl. The Church does not support homosexuality and that will never change. I know and accept this, but sometimes (like last night) it's hard.
I walked in the door to the apartment completely dark, my roommate (who happens to be the Elders' Quorum President) was laying on top of his girlfriend making out heavily. There was no one else home. It struck a nerve with me and for one reason or another it made me really pissed. He's the Elders' Quorum President, what kind of example is he setting? He is setting himself up to get into trouble.
I also couldn't help but feel bitter because I feel like I could have a stable, healthy relationship with another guy that actually means something and isn't based all on sexual tension. We would actually be able to have intelligent conversations, cuddle, hold hands, kiss without ending up in the Bishop's Office.
I know this is all a device of the adversary. Though it sucks, I'm trying to move on. I hope that everyone has been enjoying conference so far! Crazy about them lowering the age of missionary service huh? I think back to when I was 18 and no that I could have never gone then. I was plain and simply not mature enough.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Today in my religion class we talked about the law of chastity and its significance. First of all we discussed why we were given standards. Standards are important for security and consistency. One can simply look around at the current state of the world and see the result of the disintegration of standards. Something for me that was worthwhile noting is that the law of chastity is the same for gay people as it is for straight people. The Lord has the same consequences set in place for those who violate this law.
My religion teacher relayed the story of David. The same David who slew the giant Philistine Goliath. David was a great man. But because of his choices (he committed murder), he at best can hope for the telestial kingdom.
David shirked his duties and instead of going to war with his men he stayed home. It is worth noting that we are tempted the most when we are alone, where we would do things by ourselves that we never would in front of others. David ignored his duties and Satan seized an opportunity. "If the devil finds a man idle, he will put him to work."
David went up to his room and caught a glimpse of Bathsheba bathing on the roof. Like any man he gazed once, but instead of turning away and stepping away, he looked back. He lusted after her. He seduced her, made her pregnant and then placed her husband on the front lines of battle killing him to cover up his sin.
David lost his place in the celestial kingdom to cover up a sin. The thing is, adultery though wrong, is a sin that is repentable through a Bishop. David was not too far gone. He could have come back. It was when he tried to hide his sin and committed murder that he lost his place.
Had David turned away his head and not invited Bathsheba to his home, he would be exalted.
Interestingly enough, Christ comes from the lineage of David. The point of this? One does not need to be a 10th generation pioneer to be a faithful follower of the God. One can be the first, the break in the chain that makes the difference.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Karma... you are a beautiful thing. I don't want to sound prideful or mean, but it makes me happy to know that no one can run from consequences, that bad people will have their comeuppance whether that be sooner or later.
There was this guy Mac who reached out to me when I first came out on North Star. We started communicating and it was really nice. It was completely healthy and strictly a friendship. Given I was really needy and needed someone there for me in dealing with all this. Mac told me he had been through a lot and made plenty of mistakes. He had been kicked out of a church sponsored school twice for acting out.
We would text and occasionally talk on the phone. I made some mistakes over this period of time. It made me lose all trust in gay men, especially in the church. So I decided to remove any traces of them from my life. I deleted Mac from my Facebook and from my phone contacts.
I returned to school and ran into a mutual friend of Mac and I. I had been struggling and feeling alone, and decided that I needed help with my struggle. Part of my resolve to change and get help was apologizing to Mac. I texted him and he completely ignored me.
In the period of time of us not speaking, I had become friends with an amazing guy named Stephen who Mac was in love with. Mac was super jealous of our friendship and he took the opportunity over the next couple of months to talk shit about me and all the things I had screwed up with. He put on the facade that he was doing so well and was choosing the right when in reality he was cruising gay dating apps and seeking a relationship with our mutual friend Stephen.
Mac went out of his way to sabotage my relationships with people and make my life hell. It really hurt. I didn't understand why he was being so mean. I didn't understand why he was going out of his way to make my life miserable.
My mother always told me to be a bigger person and not care what other people think. So I continued to try to reach out to Mac and be his friend though his comments and actions about me often came back to me and left me in tears on my bed.
Well karma has come back around and it is a beautiful thing. Mac no longer goes to a church sponsored school. His plans to originally go to school with Stephen fell through and they are no longer friends. He sabotaged his own relationships and life because he is so lost and unhappy.
It is worth the wait! Be a bigger and better person. It makes you so much happier.
"What goes around/comes around." - JT