"Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them." - Alma 56:47
SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE
I'm currently enrolled in a Preparation for Eternal Marriage class at the Church sponsored University I attend. The majority of the class is those who are you guessed it, engaged and then those who soon will be engaged. Then there's me, GMSW. Most definitely and certainly single.
At the beginning of every class for the first twenty minutes my professor has engaged couples go up and tell their story. They show pictures, stories, when they knew they loved each other, why they loved each other and how they got engaged.
I can usually handle these okay. I like to see the pictures and see these two people so truly in love with each other. For one reason or another though, today's couple who presented really shook me up. For one thing, they were both beautiful. They loved each other so much! All I could feel the whole time was a growing pit of misery and sadness as the thought kept screaming in my mind "I can't help but feel that I will never get to do that." I feel like I will never find a wife to marry. That no one will want to marry me.
I've tried dating more this semester than ever before. Dating girls! As much as I try to force myself, a girl doesn't do anything for me. I'm simply not attracted to them. I like boys. I am gay. Through and through. Add being a member of the Church and knowing its true, knowing that homosexuality is wrong leads to feelings of constant sadness, and guilt.
At the end of the presentation I was in silent tears. Longing for an eternal companion. Then my professor started his lesson. We spent a good twenty minutes talking about the evils of pornography and masturbation. So I got kicked in the balls again... I'm not perfect, I do struggle with porn and masturbation just as any other guy - gay or straight. I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't do it. During the whole class I just felt like shit because we were being railed about it.
A small part of me feels like it isn't fair. I'm gay and can't be with a guy. I will have to be celibate for the rest of my life, God couldn't just let me have one thing? Why can't I just have masturbation? I know that's completely selfish and incorrect but right now I don't give a damn.
I'm tired of being single, being the eternal wingman to the most attractive guys in a group of people. I'm tired of pretending like it doesn't hurt when I'm crying inside all the time.
Honestly, who gives a rat's ass about me? Would it really matter if I was gone? Would people even notice? Or would it be healthier for the the LDS population to have a sinner such as I removed from their midst?
I'm an Exercise Physiology Major, and as such I am required to enroll in the Exercise Physiology class and corresponding lab. Today for lab we were required to do the skin fold test on our classmates and then have them do it on us.
I was dreading having the skin fold test done on myself. I was always the fat kid in elementary school and middle school. My body fat percentage was always a considerable amount higher than all the Ethiopian bean poles I went to school with. I'm in some of the best shape I've been in a long time right now, but I still have flash back nightmares of being teased and called fatty. So I was very shy about removing my shirt and showing my stomach. I quickly put on my shirt as soon as I could once I was done.
Then came the next part of the lab...
Each person in our group was supposed to find two people outside of class to do the skin fold test on. I called up a buddy I just met this semester, (who I do find attractive) and then I wandered into the fi…
Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Not a day goes by that it isn't killing me inside.
You taught me what real true love was. I've never been able to love or be loved by someone like I did when I was with you.
Your face still haunts me. I can hear your voice, damn I miss your voice. I still see us close together, feeling the warmth of your body, your wonderful hugs, dancing around the dark kitchen, your incredible smile. The happiness and excitement I always felt receiving your texts or talking to you on the phone.
I'm still not over you and I honestly don't know if I ever will be. I've tried to replace you, but I just ended up hurting people because I'm still stuck on you.
I love you. You lift me up and knock me down,
I'm never sure just what to feel when you're around,
I speak my heart but don't know why,
'Cause you don't never really say what's on you mind.
It's like I'm walking on broken glass,
I wanna kn…
I found out about GMSW through a mutual friend. Our friend was the one who first found the blog and told me about it. I read it and could not
hold back my tears. All the pain my best friend had gone through and I had NO
idea. It was something that ate at me constantly. I could not believe all the
things he had gone through and the worst thing was that he had to keep it to
himself because nobody knew about him and wouldn’t understand. It broke my
heart. After reading it I realized that it didn’t bother me at all. GMSW was
still the exact same person. I still loved him with all my heart and wanted to
let him know that I had no issue with this.
About a month into our last semester at college I confronted
GMSW and told him that I knew about his secret. Little did I know… he already
knew that. During our conversation I could not contain my tears. I felt as if I
was crying for him. I let out all my emotions that night. I told him that I
felt so bad for not being able to help him through hi…