"Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them." - Alma 56:47
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE
I'm currently enrolled in a Preparation for Eternal Marriage class at the Church sponsored University I attend. The majority of the class is those who are you guessed it, engaged and then those who soon will be engaged. Then there's me, GMSW. Most definitely and certainly single.
At the beginning of every class for the first twenty minutes my professor has engaged couples go up and tell their story. They show pictures, stories, when they knew they loved each other, why they loved each other and how they got engaged.
I can usually handle these okay. I like to see the pictures and see these two people so truly in love with each other. For one reason or another though, today's couple who presented really shook me up. For one thing, they were both beautiful. They loved each other so much! All I could feel the whole time was a growing pit of misery and sadness as the thought kept screaming in my mind "I can't help but feel that I will never get to do that." I feel like I will never find a wife to marry. That no one will want to marry me.
I've tried dating more this semester than ever before. Dating girls! As much as I try to force myself, a girl doesn't do anything for me. I'm simply not attracted to them. I like boys. I am gay. Through and through. Add being a member of the Church and knowing its true, knowing that homosexuality is wrong leads to feelings of constant sadness, and guilt.
At the end of the presentation I was in silent tears. Longing for an eternal companion. Then my professor started his lesson. We spent a good twenty minutes talking about the evils of pornography and masturbation. So I got kicked in the balls again... I'm not perfect, I do struggle with porn and masturbation just as any other guy - gay or straight. I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't do it. During the whole class I just felt like shit because we were being railed about it.
A small part of me feels like it isn't fair. I'm gay and can't be with a guy. I will have to be celibate for the rest of my life, God couldn't just let me have one thing? Why can't I just have masturbation? I know that's completely selfish and incorrect but right now I don't give a damn.
I'm tired of being single, being the eternal wingman to the most attractive guys in a group of people. I'm tired of pretending like it doesn't hurt when I'm crying inside all the time.
Honestly, who gives a rat's ass about me? Would it really matter if I was gone? Would people even notice? Or would it be healthier for the the LDS population to have a sinner such as I removed from their midst?