Don't you ever say I just walked away...
It's been a good minute since I've posted anything or really participated in anything with the MOHO community. I felt the need for a break for personal reasons. I didn't want this blog to turn into a bitch fest about how my life sucks because this or that. I've always wanted to be able to inspire people and give them hope. Another large problem is that more and more people that I know are aware of this blog. Which at times can make it hard to express my feelings or be completely unfiltered without repercussions.
I've looked for other ways of dealing with my pent up feelings and nothing has really seemed to work for me. If anything I shut myself off emotionally to feeling anything. I've become tired of hurting and tired of aching for the ones that I love who don't love or care for me anymore. I've made multiple mistakes over the past couple of months to try and just escape the feelings I'm trying to avoid feeling. Instead these mistakes just made me feel worse about myself and did not make me any happier. They fed habits and addictions and built up my guilt.
I had actually thought that I made progress in the past couple of months with regards to issues I deal with. I thought I had moved past people, I thought that I was stronger and more stable - and it a sense part of that is true. My doctor upped my dose on my medication and it has definitely been helping with anxiety. He even gave me emergency xanax for highly stressful situations and anxiety attacks. I'm taking my exams in my professor's offices so that I don't have panic attacks in the testing center anymore. I've been diligently doing cardio every day and eating healthy (this one is a lot harder). My body definitely feels a lot better than it has in a long time. But emotionally I'm just as torn up as ever.
There is so much going on with multiple relationships in my life right now. It's been a relief to find that there have been those friendships that have been different because of problems the other person was having... in other words it wasn't my fault. But then there's those relationships that I never thought I would have to live without, but have had to for a while now. I never stopped caring or loving and as much as it hurt, I had to let those I love make their own decisions about their life even if it didn't include me. I mourned for a long time, and it honestly sucked. There hasn't been a day that hasn't gone by that I didn't think about or miss certain people, But I felt I was able to heal and move forward. Then I randomly see them again after months and months and I fall apart. Every memory, feeling, emotion that I ever felt with them comes rushing back and I break down crying in my car. Seeing them, talking to them just makes my heart ache. It longs to feel what once was and aches as it senses the changes and as so casually cruel in the name of being honest words are said. The sad music has come back out, though this time I'm still able to live my life and perform the things that I need to at work and at school.
I've thought a lot about Jane and we've been writing ever since she left (it's been 5 months now). Her letters are always great to receive though she no longer says I love you in them. Part of me is afraid that she sending the friend zone message. If that's the case, I've put all my eggs in one basket and feel like I'm ready to throw my hands up and give up on marriage.
General Conference was this past weekend and deep down a part of me was secretly wishing/hoping that the apostles would come out and say that gay marriage was okay. I'm gotten so tired of trying to live a life that has so much hurt and loneliness in it. The thought of being with a man and having a family for the rest of my life sounds so much more fulfilling.
Thankfully the Lord knew that I needed some oil in my lamp. Traditional marriage was reiterated and reaffirmed. Multiple times it was mentioned along the lines of "God's doctrine does not change, though the world's morals do. God's doctrine is eternal and forever." Elder Richard G. Scott gave a talk in which he said something truly amazing "The Lord sees weakness differently than rebellion. When The Lord speaks of weakness it is always with mercy." The spirit resonated in my chest - something that hasn't happened in a long time. I've been beating myself up with guilt for a long time. The Lord knows that I'm struggling, but he also knows that I AM TRYING.
I got a phone call today that my brother's wife who was pregnant with twins had a miscarriage. My heart broke first for my brother and his wife. They've been through so much and it's taken so long for them to get pregnant. I've been feeling anger towards God and have been asking the question all day, "Hasn't our family been through enough?"
And as I sat listening to conference surrounded by my niece, and two nephews. I felt the love of my savior and the confirmation of my desire to have a family of my own. I will one day.