Thursday, March 21, 2013

All Too Well


If you've been following my blog, you've noticed that this semester has been the semester from hell for me. There's been a lot that has gone on and the majority of it has been out of my control. Twice now this semester I have found myself suicidal, the most recent being two weeks ago. I didn't realize how far along I was with my thought process until I came across the warning signs of suicidal behavior and it scared me:

5 Warning Signs of Suicidal Behavior:
-Talking about having no purpose
-Withdrawing or isolating oneself
-Displaying extreme mood swings
-Abruptly ending relationships
-Avoiding work, school or jobs 

I fit every single one of these warning signs. I've felt beaten and have frequently retreated to my room to be by myself and away from everyone. My moods have gone from happy to extreme depression and loneliness. I have felt frustrated with friendships in my life and felt like people didn't care about me and weren't putting any effort into our friendship. In the process of all this, I was avoiding the gym and doing homework because I just didn't want to deal with it. 

There are very few people who I have told just how close to suicide I was because I don't want people to make a big deal out of it. I don't want to screw up my schooling or future by having to get checked into a facility. I don't want people to treat me differently either. 

For whatever reason, I feel emotions so deeply. So much deeper than anyone I have ever met. Things really effect me when it has to do with anyone that I know and love. I don't have an explanation of why. Just if my friend has really hurt me, I hurt and am in agony. If my friend is going through a hard time, I ache to fix their pain and make things better. If my friend is happy, I'm right there with them ecstatic as can be. 

The only person that I can think of whose emotions mirror mine is Taylor Swift (I know, how stereotypically gay). One reason why I love her so much is her ability to convey honest raw emotions so explicitly. Her songs speak to me. When her voice quivers in a song, mine does too. When she is lying on the bathroom floor crying singing You're Not Sorry, I am too. When she bemoans the guy who doesn't know she exists and how much she wants him with her Teardrops On My Guitar, I'm right there on my bed hugging my pillow crying with her. 

Music has always spoken to me. So when I'm feeling a strong emotion (good or bad) she's my go to girl.

I've always thought my capacity to love and express emotion so deeply was a gift. More recently and in communicating with friends, I see that not everyone can handle it. It can put people off. For a lot of people it's not something they understand and it overwhelms them.

I realize that I have a lot of work to do. I realize that I need to not let others dictate my happiness and that's something that I'm working on. It's really hard.

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,
But something about it felt like home somehow.
And I left my scarf there at your sister's house,
And you still got it in your drawer even now.

Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.
We're singing in the car, getting lost Upstate.
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,
And I can picture it after all these days.

And I know it's long gone,
And that magic's not here no more,
And I might be okay,
But I'm not fine at all.

'Cause there we are again on that little town street.
You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over me.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red.
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-size bed
And your mother's telling stories about you on the tee ball team
You tell me about your past, thinking your future was me.

And I know it's long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to...

'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.
We dance around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
And maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise.
So casually cruel in the name of being honest.
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well.

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can't get rid of it 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Cheers,
GMSW 


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