Saturday, November 10, 2012
My older brother got married a couple years ago. Due to distance and serving a mission, I haven't had the opportunity to meet his wife until very recently. His wife came into town for a visit this past weekend. We were able to meet up for the first time and chat over some hot coco. We were both laughing because it felt like a date.
My brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia many years ago. He has tried to kill himself several times. My family has been dealing with the trial that it is for over ten years now. We tried many experimental treatments to try to help and "cure" my brother, but to no avail.
My brothers medications have caused him to put on a lot of weight and lose the body he used to be so proud of (he was studying to be a personal trainer for a while).
My brother has a college degree and is a genius (like most people who struggle with mental illness), but his disease debilitates him, dumbs him down and makes it so he is unable to hold down a steady job. He is stuck with these remedial minimum wage jobs.
Miraculously, he met his wife who married him knowing everything she would be getting herself into. They've been trying for a while now to have kids and nothing has proven fruitful. The doctors think that my brother may be infertile from all the medicine and treatments over the years. My sister-in-law though doesn't think so. She told me that she will have one child with my brother. Exactly one, a little boy. He's up there waiting, it's just a matter of when. She told me that she knows because she had a vision - for lack of a better word. She saw her little boy, he was not adopted because he looked like her and my brother.
Now my sister-in-law doesn't know this, but my conversation were her was needed. This past week or so has been a big pity party for myself. Given it was a hard week though; screwy friends, screwy elections, terrible test results. I've been feeling really sorry for myself and cursing God for my 'gayness'.
Yes, being gay has made me more emotional and more attached to people.
I tend to like girly music, Broadway, and Keeping up with The Kardashians.
I'm attracted to men the way that other guys are attached to girls.
I may not marry in this life.
Being gay does not prevent me from working.
Being gay does not make me really out of shape.
Being gay does not make me infertile. If I ever get married to a woman, I will still be able to have children.
Being gay does not diminish my intelligence.
Though I don't feel necessarily better about this past week. I don't feel as singled out or hated by God. Every single person in this life has their own cross to bear. Mine is just different than most.