We Are Never Ever Ever Ever Getting Back Together
It's currently 3:00 a.m. and I have to get up in three hours to start getting ready for my first class of the day. I'm gonna be screwed for class, but honestly right now I really could care less. I have so many emotions running through me right now. I'm so angry and upset right now with other people. I'm upset with myself, I just can't believe I'm in this position again.
Since I was 7 years old, I've always had this complex about friends; more specifically friends that were male. I struggled to have friends that were the same sex all the way up till high school. One reason because I was a really shy kid (Lord knows I don't have that problem anymore) and two because I was just different. I suppose I should have known then that I was gay, but I was very sheltered and ignorant.
I'm just always been overly emotional. I get so attached to people when they show the slightest bit of love towards me. This tendency usually causes me to get pretty crazy and attached to them. I get this hero complex where I feel like I have to do and be everything for them. I want to be their number one, the person they love and come to for anything. (Side note, this is always and only with guys). I somehow sickly relish the feeling of feeling so needed and loved.
Why did I start this blog? I did it again. I came across a blog of a fellow brother fighting the good fight. I reached out to this person and we began communicating daily by email. After over a month of communicating I became attached and wanted to have an actual friendship. He questioned my motives and called me out for needing some sort of validation for a friendship, that I needed it. Which I guess in part is right, but doesn't make it any easier. I wanted to have this real friendship with this guy who was in a similar position as me. But like I've done to myself to so many times, I've built myself up to mean a lot more to someone than I actually am. Being told more or less, you're just another cog in the machine hurts like hell to say the least. For me this person was an actual friend, dare say a best friend who I told everything in the world to. But for this person, I was just another reader and a crazy one at that.
I'm sick of it. Sick of putting it all out there and being shafted. For once I'd like to mean as much as someone as they mean to me. I sound super gay and emotional right now but whatever. I want to tell myself and my emotional attachment that "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together". I want to be able to be strong enough to not need people. I want to be able to just press forward with my day and stay optimistic. But alas, that's not the case.
Right now I feel like my psychotic tendencies just drive away people even when I have the best intentions. I would usually deal with this by putting on some depressing music and moping, but since school can't be put on hold, especially right now, it will have to wait.
Cheers,
GMSW
I have always been the same way. I rarely had male friends, and the ones I had became almost obsessions with me.
ReplyDeleteI had a great friend who was very blunt with me. He told me while we were still in high school that he knew I was gay. He said that he didn't care, but that he was straight and nothing would EVER happen between us. He actually encouraged me to go on a mission. I had high expectations that the mission would "change me." It did, I was able to work on becoming too attached. But it also confirmed to me that I was gay and no matter how "good" I was, I would always be gay.
When I got back, I tried maintaining friendships and was getting pretty good at it. I had my first relationship and ended up getting heart broken. The next year I completely shut off from every guy I knew. Its a hard balance to maintain. I don't think it will ever get easier, I think you just learn how to manage it.