Gay Mormon Stripling Warrior

Every night I lay staring at the ceiling, my thoughts can't help but always think of you. My body shakes, quivers as the ghost of you being close to me passes before my eyes. Shutting my eyes tight, the pain so intense as I silently cry, hoping you're out there thinking of me and missing me too. I spend my days keeping busy with but a shell of what I once was. My emotions are nothing now, I am but cold and devoid of that true happiness I rarely glimpsed. I keep myself busy with the mundane of day to day life, but how much longer can I go on with this gaping hole in my heart?  I wish I could change what happened. I wish I could undo the words I said. I wish I knew how to fix this. I wish I knew what was going on in your head.  People ask me how I'm doing. I say I'm doing fine. It's easier to try and feel nothing than to feel hurt from your absence. I concentrate my efforts on others and their lives, but somehow I always come back to you.  I driv...

I tried to find you at the bottom of a bottle Laying down on the bathroom floor My loneliness was a rattle in the windows You said you don't want me anymore And you left me Standing on a corner crying, Feeling like a fool for trying I don't even remember Why I'm wasting all these tears on you I wish I could erase our memory Cause you didn't give a damn about me Oh, finally I'm through Wasting all these tears on you These tears on you You ain't worth another sleepless night And I'll do everything I gotta do to get you off my mind Cause what you wanted I couldn't get What you did, boy I'll never forget And you left me Standing on a corner crying Feeling like a fool for trying I don't even remember Why I'm wasting all these tears on you I wish I could erase our memory Cause you didn't give a damn about me Oh, finally I'm through Wasting all these tears on you These tears ...

This past Saturday Suzanne tied the knot to the boy she has been dating for over two years. It brought a sense of closure and relief to me as I looked back on the past and my relationship with Suzanne and what might have been. My family moved during my Senior year of High School. Suzanne was my sister's best friend that she had made from our ward. First time I met Suzanne she had come over to pick up my sister because they were going downtown. I walked down the stairs to see who was at the door, and she stood there all 5'3'' of her. The first words I heard from her mouth were "I didn't even know this neighborhood existed back here." I was immediately turned off because I thought she sounded like a snob, so I turned around and headed back upstairs to my room. For whatever reason, Suzanne started coming over to our house all the time. It annoyed me because whenever she was there she would just make fun of me.We would all sit up in my sister's room...

I changed my anxiety/depression medicine from Prozac to Lexapro back in December while I was home for Christmas break. I've been on Prozac since I was 19 and it had been working up till about 6 months ago (May/June of last year). I noticed I was struggling to concentrate and my anxiety seemed to be coming back. My doctor cited the reason from my body adapting to the Prozac and so it was time to switch up medications. He put me on Lexapro and for the first little while it seemed to work. Though for the past couple of weeks, it seems to have made my symptoms worse and upon looking up the label, that is an adverse reaction to the medicine and signals a reason to stop using it. I took this semester off to give my body and mind a break from the grind but I've been having daily anxiety issues. I've had an anxiety attack each time I've gone to the Plasma Center for the past two weeks. I had one a couple days ago when I was laying on my bed that left me unable to breathe o...

Last night I went to Iron Man 3 with a new friend (Hans) I made at work and a group of his friends. The movie was awesome, but I'm not going to really talk about that in this post. We were waiting in line at Texas Roadhouse and got on the topic of dating as most Mormons often do. He's single and 25. I told him I was going on a date Saturday morning and he should find a date so we could double. He seemed somewhat apprehensive about it, like he didn't think he could find a date. Now Hans is an attractive guy, there's no reason he shouldn't get a date with a girl. I commented that it seemed he was scared of dating and there had to be a reason for it. He acknowledged that there was a reason for it (y'all know my mind immediately thought SSA). Turns out Hans was married for three years and got divorced last year. I was speechless. Hans confided in me that his wife committed adultery while being married to him several times with several different men while th...

This past weekend was somewhat of a game changer for me. There's this girl Jane. Jane and I have had the same schedule for the past four months. All of our classes are together. The first time I saw her, I judged her because I found out she was a runner up to Miss _______ (fill in the state of your choice). I made the judgement that she was a stereotypical dumb blonde that had gotten this far in college because she had cheated off people.... oh how wrong I was. Jane and I spent a lot of time over the semester getting to know each other. We would work on physics, kinesiology, and chemistry together. Turns out she was much cleverer than me. I would give her rides home from lab. I would come over to her apartment and hang out. We would in-depth conversations about life and what we wanted. We would jam out to music. All the music on my iPod she loved... she would sing along. Not only does she have an incredible voice, but she can play the piano and guitar as well. I was able to ...

This past week has been my Spring Break away from school. So I've been able to spend some down time with my family, sleep in, and think about my life. Saturday as I sat on the airplane home, I felt severe anxiety about my friends in my life. I felt like one by one they were either disappointing me or falling as a casualty to the war against Satan: Adam and I have drifted somehow. Our schedules have both been insane. I've been preparing for finals and job hunting while Adam has been preparing for finals, graduation and finding a stable first career job. In addition to that, he's just distanced himself from me which has made me more frustrated. It seems like we used to be able to talk forever and never get tired of it, but now whenever I ask him how he's doing, his response is always "good". He never divulges or goes in depth like he used to. It's like he's shut himself off to me. He recently told me he doesn't believe the Church is true anym...