Gay Mormon Stripling Warrior

If you've been following my blog, you've noticed that this semester has been the semester from hell for me. There's been a lot that has gone on and the majority of it has been out of my control. Twice now this semester I have found myself suicidal, the most recent being two weeks ago. I didn't realize how far along I was with my thought process until I came across the warning signs of suicidal behavior and it scared me: 5 Warning Signs of Suicidal Behavior: -Talking about having no purpose -Withdrawing or isolating oneself -Displaying extreme mood swings -Abruptly ending relationships -Avoiding work, school or jobs  I fit every single one of these warning signs. I've felt beaten and have frequently retreated to my room to be by myself and away from everyone. My moods have gone from happy to extreme depression and loneliness. I have felt frustrated with friendships in my life and felt like people didn't care about me and weren't putting a...

I spent the holiday weekend with my buddy Brian who doesn't know that I'm gay. We went snowmobiling, watched movies, and ate a ton of junk food. Brian had gotten two new roommates this semester and they spent the weekend with us having fun and (unfortunately) avoiding homework. One of the roommates Josh had recently returned home from his mission. The entire time I was there Josh got up early and went to bed early (missionary schedule). He would stay for hours on campus doing homework. He spent his Saturday at the temple. In general he seemed pretty quiet and Peter Priesthoodie. Sunday night Brian was annoying the hell out of me. He's hyper and immature. I love the kid, but he doesn't know how to take things seriously when he needs to. I needed to do a huge amount of homework, so I went into Josh's room and worked on homework while he was writing in his journal. At first we exchanged meaningless conversation about music, and then things took a turn. I t...

It's January 1st, 2013. The ending of one chapter of my life and the beginning of the next.  Over the course of the past year, I have grown more than any year previous. It has seem some of my highest highs and lowest lows. It has seen my heart broken and scarred, only to be shown new and greater light.  In 2012: I made fewer mistakes in regards to my SSA.  I made progress with acceptance of my sexuality. I am more at peace with myself, being able to meet my needs; healthy physical intimacy, being told I love you.  I made it through 4 straight semesters of college (with good grades mind you). My temple attendance has increased.  I had some of the most incredible, honest people enter my life. Wonderful men that are here by my side through my struggle, who understand and love me just the same. I started this blog.  Looking forward to 2013, I have much hope. There is so much to look forward to and experience. It will be ...

If you're looking for uplifting post, turn away now. Click back, read some other blog that makes their life seem like a walk in the park or go to LDS.org and read the latest message from the apostles. This post is not going to be happy in the least. You've been warned. You know that moment in The Dark Knight Rises where Bruce Wayne is in prison and doing sit-ups and the prison doctor says that he is afraid of Bane? Do you remember his response? " I'm not afraid. I'm angry." Yeah that's me right now. Combine that with the bitch Miranda sticking a knife in his side while his back is turned. Honesty is something that has always been important to me. My dad cheated on my mom. My ex-girlfriend (who I was practically engaged to) cheated on me with at least two other guys while we were dating. I don't trust people easily, but when I do, I trust them with everything. Lose my trust, you're gonna have to work your ass off to earn it back. One of my ...

You said it in a simple way, 4 AM, the second day, How strange that I don't know you at all. Stumbled through the long goodbye, One last kiss, then catch your flight, Right when I was just about to fall I told myself don't get attached, But in my mind I play it back, Spinning faster than the plane that took you... And this is when the feeling sinks in, I don't wanna miss you like this, Come back... be here, come back... be here. I guess you're in New York today, I don't wanna need you this way, Come back... be here, come back... be here. The delicate beginning rush, The feeling you can know so much, Without knowing anything at all. And now that I can put this down, If I had known what I'd known now, I never would have played so nonchalant. Taxi cabs and busy streets, That never bring you back to me, I can't help but wish you took me with you... And this is when the feeling sinks in, I don't wanna miss you like this, Come back... be here, come back......

Today in my religion class we talked about true love, what it was and what it wasn't. I thought I had a good understanding of what love was. But I came to realize there were some things that I do that tend to lean more to the side of infatuation instead of love. It made me realize just how imperfect I am and how I'm not nearly in the place I thought I was. I still find myself pining over one of my friends, hoping that he will say he loves me, that he will do things for me, that he will send me a random text message or Facebook post. I've found myself wishing that he would fall in love with me just so I could have someone who cared about me that much. I don't want a relationship with a man, but the thought of having him love me that much makes me feel weak. I still find myself hoping that I will hear back from certain people and they will want from me what I want from them. I find myself wishing for things that I can't force on people. I can't make people lo...