Gay Mormon Stripling Warrior

I found out about GMSW through a mutual friend. Our friend was the one who first found the blog and told me about it. I read it and could not hold back my tears. All the pain my best friend had gone through and I had NO idea. It was something that ate at me constantly. I could not believe all the things he had gone through and the worst thing was that he had to keep it to himself because nobody knew about him and wouldn’t understand. It broke my heart. After reading it I realized that it didn’t bother me at all. GMSW was still the exact same person. I still loved him with all my heart and wanted to let him know that I had no issue with this. About a month into our last semester at college I confronted GMSW and told him that I knew about his secret. Little did I know… he already knew that. During our conversation I could not contain my tears. I felt as if I was crying for him. I let out all my emotions that night. I told him that I felt so bad for not being able to help him t...

This past week has been my Spring Break away from school. So I've been able to spend some down time with my family, sleep in, and think about my life. Saturday as I sat on the airplane home, I felt severe anxiety about my friends in my life. I felt like one by one they were either disappointing me or falling as a casualty to the war against Satan: Adam and I have drifted somehow. Our schedules have both been insane. I've been preparing for finals and job hunting while Adam has been preparing for finals, graduation and finding a stable first career job. In addition to that, he's just distanced himself from me which has made me more frustrated. It seems like we used to be able to talk forever and never get tired of it, but now whenever I ask him how he's doing, his response is always "good". He never divulges or goes in depth like he used to. It's like he's shut himself off to me. He recently told me he doesn't believe the Church is true anym...

This past week was one of the most emotional weeks of my life. All in all though, it ended on a positive note. I went to the temple on Saturday morning to do initiatories. I wanted to find peace and know where Heavenly Father wanted me go and what he wanted me to do. I also went praying to be able to heal from the pain and truly forgive those who contributed to it. The reason I did initatories was due to a blessing I got the night my world fell apart. I was encouraged to go to the temple and do them. It was my first time doing initatories since I did my own before my mission. I realized I had forgotten so much. My feeling though during them, mind you during the complete duration of being in the temple was of my Heavenly Father embracing me and just saying "peace my son, breathe." I was able to come out of the temple and speak to my best friend on the phone and work through some things. The conversation though hard at certain points was raw and needed. Tears were shed, ...

I'm 23 and yet the past 48 hours have made me feel like I'm 18 again. It's like I'm a freshmen in college. All the progress the past 5 almost 6 years seems to be all just a sham I've convinced myself of. I convinced myself I had a handle on my mental illness (OCD, depression, anxiety). The false face of this has all come crashing down. In the past 48 hours I have cried more than I knew to be physically possible. I'm not that difficult to read, my emotions are usually on my sleeve, and not that I ask for or want attention for it, people can usually tell when something is wrong. My roommates have watched me come in and out of the apartment with puffy tear filled eyes for the past two days. They haven't seen or watched me cry, so as I lay here sobbing at 5 in the morning as sleep escapes me, I'd like to keep it that way. I've been hurt by friends more times than I could count. Everyone makes mistakes, including myself. But I seem to have a kna...

Do you know how you have a good friendship with someone? You know how you know they are a positive influence? They make you want to be better. You are better with them. Because of them you feel the need to try harder, to care more, to judge less. Your relationship is healthy and others notice it. You know how you know how your friendship is unhealthy? There is constant drama, contention. Everyone else in your life does't approve. You're not happy, though you may claim to be. You succumb to peer pressure and go against things that you've been taught and believe your entire life.  There is often times in the gay community of the Church the mistaken idea that just because you're gay and someone else is gay, you have to be friends. That is not the case. More often than not, being gay may be the only thing you have in common. You will probably have different interests, different feelings about the Church, and different life paths.  On the flip side of that, t...

I must have this huge disclaimer on me that I can't see that apparently says "take advantage of me." I'm a gay mormon, so I already the tendency to be more emotional than most guys. I give and give and give with all the relationships in my life. At times I do it from the good of my heart, and at other times I admit I do it because I want a friend to feel obligated to reciprocate that love and care to me.  If some people would just look outside themselves and see that there is a person who genuinely loves them and cares about them. I stand there and most of the times these people just look right through me to other people in their lives who aren't even that great.  I know I'm not perfect. I know I make mistakes. I know I have truly crazy moments of attachment from being gay. I also know that I'm a damn good friend to people. I have always prided myself on the caliber of friend I am to people. I am the best friend that you see in movies, ...