Gay Mormon Stripling Warrior

If you've been following my blog, you've noticed that this semester has been the semester from hell for me. There's been a lot that has gone on and the majority of it has been out of my control. Twice now this semester I have found myself suicidal, the most recent being two weeks ago. I didn't realize how far along I was with my thought process until I came across the warning signs of suicidal behavior and it scared me: 5 Warning Signs of Suicidal Behavior: -Talking about having no purpose -Withdrawing or isolating oneself -Displaying extreme mood swings -Abruptly ending relationships -Avoiding work, school or jobs  I fit every single one of these warning signs. I've felt beaten and have frequently retreated to my room to be by myself and away from everyone. My moods have gone from happy to extreme depression and loneliness. I have felt frustrated with friendships in my life and felt like people didn't care about me and weren't putting a...

Have you ever had your life moving along quite nicely and then were completely blindsided by something? I have, multiple times. The most recent was Thursday as I was riding in the car with my Mother on the way to the chiropractor. A couple months ago I asked my parents if I could order some new shoes and a couple new shirts. They said yes and they gave me their card to pay for it. I order the shoes and then ordered the five shirts that we agreed upon from Express. I got an email from Express saying that one of the shirts was out of stock so they refunded the money and shipped me the other four. One of the four I didn't like and sent it back. So instead of buying two more shirts, I bought three pairs of chinos from American Eagle instead that cost the same as one button-up from Express. Now my younger sister is a pathological liar and lives a lifestyle contrary to that she was raised. She thinks we don't know what she does, but we do. My parents finally wised up about my si...

Sometimes you're going so fast, you don't realize how much you're hurting. Sometimes you get so busy with classes and homework, home teaching, relationships with friends, relationships with family, that you forget about yourself. Sometimes you get 4-5 hours sleep a night and it becomes normal. Sometimes you just push through it to make it to the weekend. Sometimes you are so intent on helping everyone else around you, that you forget about yourself. Sometimes when it's friday afternoon you go home and lay down for a nap because you actually have time to.You lock the door, shut the blinds and as you're falling asleep you heart starts aching terrible. It hits you by surprise like a freight train at night that forgot to turn on it's lights. You miss your friends and wish they missed you like you missed them. You know they love you, you just wish they could show it more. You see everyone around you and it appears they all have someone they can't live with...

Today in my religion class we talked about true love, what it was and what it wasn't. I thought I had a good understanding of what love was. But I came to realize there were some things that I do that tend to lean more to the side of infatuation instead of love. It made me realize just how imperfect I am and how I'm not nearly in the place I thought I was. I still find myself pining over one of my friends, hoping that he will say he loves me, that he will do things for me, that he will send me a random text message or Facebook post. I've found myself wishing that he would fall in love with me just so I could have someone who cared about me that much. I don't want a relationship with a man, but the thought of having him love me that much makes me feel weak. I still find myself hoping that I will hear back from certain people and they will want from me what I want from them. I find myself wishing for things that I can't force on people. I can't make people lo...

It's currently 3:00 a.m. and I have to get up in three hours to start getting ready for my first class of the day. I'm gonna be screwed for class, but honestly right now I really could care less. I have so many emotions running through me right now. I'm so angry and upset right now with other people. I'm upset with myself, I just can't believe I'm in this position again. Since I was 7 years old, I've always had this complex about friends; more specifically friends that were male. I struggled to have friends that were the same sex all the way up till high school. One reason because I was a really shy kid (Lord knows I don't have that problem anymore) and two because I was just different. I suppose I should have known then that I was gay, but I was very sheltered and ignorant. I'm just always been overly emotional. I get so attached to people when they show the slightest bit of love towards me. This tendency usually causes me to get pretty craz...